Been here a few weeks but couldn't post a blog, but have started a dairy of sorts so will post from there until I get caught up....

I haven’t been reading for long, but I have already taken some good suggestions and put them into use in the last week and a half. And it works! I am less stressed already...so far the last several skid days have been smooth. I haven't said a word about the lack of tooth-brushing/sock changing. And I even supported SD11 a couple times too as DP wasn't really making a fair decision for her.
Background: Been with Partner (DP) for 1.5 years. He’s a great man, super kind, fun, we get along famously and talk often. We also have the ability to discuss our emotions and frustrations without fear of reprisal from the other and that is a huge deal and huge in dealing with the skids. I call them the skids for simplification most of the time because that’s what they feel like to me even if we aren’t married. I have no kids of my own.

SD11 and SD9. Great girls overall and we have them 50% of the time. But they run over DP like crazy and know exactly what they can get away with...basically almost everything. He’s a great dad, but into passive parenting. He’s not a total pushover, but close to it. And I call him on it (in private) when I see it happening; oh boy do I ever sometimes. The skids are old enough for chores/allowance but he won’t do that because it’s hard to have them do it (no follow up/no expectations). So to save my sanity I’ve created some boundaries so that I am not doing much of anything from a parenting perspective. We have agreed on the following:

* I will not correct, discipline, admonish or give any correction unless skids are in direct refusal of something and DP is not there and it can’t wait (like backtalk) or if it’s dangerous (SD9 standing on kitchen counter in filthy sneakers).
* I will not leave the living room if skids are acting up and I am involved in something (book/movie); they will leave.
* I do not clean up anything but common areas of the house, and I will only remind/ask for things to be picked up. DP will follow up if they don’t do as I ask. And if this goes on too long, then I have a plan of collecting ‘discarded’ items and putting them away in the attic myself. The bedrooms are up to the girls to take care of and DP to follow up on. This means also that I do not wash dirty clothing that is not in their laundry basket and I do not change sheets unless don’t have to move anything or step on anything to do so.
* I put a lock on my makeup box and removed my more expensive toiletries from the bathroom due to skids ignoring the rule of don’t’ touch this stuff unless you get permission first (and reasons explained) multiple times and blatantly lying about not touching my things. Problem has already been solved there.
* I do not cook for skids any longer except to put frozen stuff in the oven while I cook real food. SD11 eats like a 5 yo thanks to both DP and BM. I gave up trying to help due to lack of support. Shared meals will only happen on weekends if I feel like doing it. No last minute food requests and I don’t provide snacks unless it’s fruit or something relatively healthy. SD9 is doing great with food so I’ll give her tastes off my plate if she’s interested. I do not make weekday breakfasts if I pack their lunches (SD11 will have to start making her own lunches this spring). I make weekend pancakes once a month only.
* I do not comment or ask about hygiene issues directly of skids. This is becoming a problem; lack of bathing, lack of teeth brushing (SD11), refusal to change/wear socks, refusal to change underwear (as a result I have resorted to just throwing them away if it’s too bad), wearing dirty clothes, etc. BM is really bad at teaching them about this and DP is clueless, but getting better. He’s asked me to keep a shared log with him about hygiene problems so he has a record of it since the skids lie about what they do and BM doesn’t seem to care.
* I do not buy any clothing/shoes for them unless I feel like it. If they need something they are directed to DP or I send DP a list of things they need.
* I do not assist with bedtime routine at all. Sometimes SD9 seems to want me around when she’s brushing teeth so I’ll be there if she wants that.

He also bought a Roomba for Xmas and that’s saved so much time. I hate to vacuum, he loves to run it so I really don’t have to vacuum any longer. That was a bonus.
He’s talked with SD11 very recently about her attitude toward me (sudden change just before the holidays) and there’s been a little improvement but I don’t expect it to last. SD9 adores her sister so there’s bleed over of bad habits from her older sister happening. I do have the sincere belief that this will work especially with the plan set – and I will not veer from it. If the skids don’t realize that I have nothing but the best intentions, am fun, nice, and very generous if respect goes both ways, then it’s their problem. DP knows this already and so we go on...