Well, at least now sk12 is saying it out loud - "I don't like you"... advice on this, please?
Well, it's no secret sk12 and I aren't bff's..
We tried to talk to him a few weeks ago to get it all out.. it was a disaster that left me rattled and still with no closure. Just the same elephant in the room that we all ignore..
Sooo.. last week we are getting all our crap in the car to head out of town for thanksgiving.. since we almost lost our new kitten a few weeks ago (thanks to the skids leaving the door open once again - I was up to 1am in 20 degree weather searching the neighborhood) I kept stressing that we need to close the door each time we go out to take something to the car.. DUH!! We have had this damn talk 100's of times and you would think with the latest event and how they got talked to once again THIS WOULD BE AUTOMATIC for 12 & 15 year olds..
Sure enough, sk12 leaves the damn door open once and half ass closes it the other time and it blew open.. truthfully, I was LIVID. And truthfully, I think he is doing this on purpose now just to try to hurt me and my daughter.
The first time it happened, I told him firmly to be mindful.. the second time I yelled it.
Finally we get loaded in the car and are on our way. DH asks sk12 why he just can't get with the program and why we have to keep telling him to close the door.. as usual, nothing is his fault. He thought he closed it and he thought his brother was behind him.. same crap as always - blame and zero remorse or accountability..
Then, we have to stop by the store to get DH's prescription refill and a couple things we needed and were out of. Since it was only going to be a brief trip in the store, DH and I told the kids to stay in the car..
We come out and I open my door to a HORRIBLE smell. Sk12 farted and refused to open the doors or windows. My daughter was in the 3rd row (very back) and trapped and forced to sit there and beg sk12 & sk15 to please open the door!
Ok, some might think this is funny - like a big brother prank.. and in some circumstances, I would agree. However, sk12 isn't big brotherly to my daughter - in fact, he is a flat out jackass to her. So in this instance, it was just rude and inconsiderate - so, having enough of his shit for a day I told him how rude it was and that he was being a jerk.
What do I get in return from sk12? I get called a jerk "no, you're a jerk" from him.. then told "and you wonder why I don't like you"...
Dh was pissed and was on my side - told sk12 not to talk to me like that and that he is a jerk for doing what he did..
The kid didn't apologize for anything.. he never does. never feels bad for anything or even cares to acknowledge it.. I think he enjoys being this way.
That was the end of it for the time being.. but I am left with this bad taste in my mouth.. resentment and bitterness. I shouldn't have to live with a 12 year old brat telling me "I don't like you" - TELLING ME.. not only showing it every day and in everything he does, but now actually vocalizing this is a whole new level and it pisses me off.
I so badly want to say to him "wanna know why I don't like you" (and point out all his annoying traits that cause him to have no friends and cause people around him to go WTF is wrong with that kid).. but I won't because that would be mean.. oh, but I guess him acting like and now saying he doesn't like me isn't?
Sooooo pissed.. I know he is a kid, but damn it.. if he's going to throw grown up punches then maybe he needs one in return to know how it feels..
So, for now I guess I can just reply with "oh well.. don't care if you like me - I'm not married to you - I'm married to your dad and he LOVES me"
thoughts?
- stepmomsoon's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
He probably is "accidentally"
He probably is "accidentally" leaving the door open now because he knows how emotional it makes you.
Perhaps he should be told that his bedroom door will "accidentally" be taken away if he does it even one more time. And perhaps after that, each time it happens he will "accidentally" lose one electronic device of your choosing for 1 month. And because he doesn't like you, you have no reason not to pick his favorite ones first!
Each time it happens, additional consequence for him. Get your DH on board with this and have DH tell him what's in store for him if he keeps being a little shit and then follow through.
As for telling you he doesn't like you, your DH should not be tolerating that at all. It is disrespectful, and the skid needs to be respectful of all adults in the house regardless of whether he wants to. Liking you is optional, respecting you is mandatory. Get DH on board and develop some consequences that he will face if he breaks this rule. Tell DH that this is serious, and something needs to change.
I remember your story about having a conversation with him so he could tell you why he didn't like you. I'm with others who say that was a bad idea. You basically communicated two things to him:
1- His antics affect you and have power
2- He is on the same level as the adults
Unspoken messages are as powerful as verbal ones. And the effect of the two of you having that conversation with him just reinforced the power he thinks he has. Because of that, you will see more provocative behavior. Stop coddling him and start treating him like what he is - a child who is expected to follow the rules. Nobody cares if he likes the rules, because he is a child and you are the adults, therefore he gets no input and has to follow them. End of story.
Right now you've got a passive aggressive skid who will be torturing you because he knows that he can get away with it and because he knows it bothers you. You and DH need to seriously reconsider your strategies with this kid.
It will be difficult to change tactic, but what you are doing now clearly is not working. And you will absolutely get pushback and tantrums once you try a different strategy with him, but if you give him an inch of wiggle room you will never get any peace. Just like with BMs, set a boundary and then stick to it. No ifs, ands, or buts.
I'm sure he is.. and I think
I'm sure he is.. and I think he wants the kitten to get lost. He is already pissed that it rebuffs his attempts to pick it up and hold it.. I've even tried to show him how to hold it so it will be comfortable and not squirm to get away.. he ignores the advice and does it his way..
I agree with everything you posted and am seriously being tormented by this kid.. everyone in the house is. He even tries to bully his own father with his antics - and he's only 12!!
DH and I need to seriously put an end to his crap and adapt a zero tolerance policy. I know I can, but have some reservations about DH's ability to do so.. and when he gets lax on things it throws me into the bad cop position and that isn't fair.
And you are 100% right that if you give him any wiggle room, he exploits it and will take it as far as he can go with it.
He's more than difficult..
He's more than difficult.. but yes, I know the fart wasn't the end of the world.. I grew up with an older brother and I know they do these things...
It was just wrong of him to do.. and then be a total jerk about.. sure, it can be funny, but deep down inside you have to know it was disgusting and rude.. and believe me, if it happened to him, the entire zip code would know how HORRIBLE it was and he would probably punch the person who did it.. and yell and make a scene.
Yea, I probably shouldn't have called him a jerk, but I did.. and he was. I was pissed off and frustrated because every damn day this kid causes issues with his crap. It is constant and when he gets in one of his moods.. it is almost intolerable because he will do any and everything he can think of to torment the people around him. It's sick because he really seems to enjoy it.
Oh, I know he does.. he does
Oh, I know he does.. he does shit just to annoy me and everyone else in the home.
It is incredibly difficult to act like nothing rattles you when it's constant.. and I mean CONSTANT. Morning, noon and night and every minute in between this kid is doing something to irritate the shit out of someone in this house.
Just tonight he gets home and instantly begins asking how long sk15 played the PS3.. (because he tries to stir up shit) and then goes on to say it's his turn (we have a limit on how long you play).. DH tells him no, he had his turn. Then sk12 then goes on to try to manipulate things by saying he is going to play (even though DH said no)... of course this leads to sk12 getting yelled at by DH.
Then at dinner he complains he isn't hungry and is pretty much laying on the table like a sloth.. DH tells him to eat. Then starts the flurry of whiny "I'm not hungry's".. DH tells him to put his plate on the counter and later when he asks for a snack this is his snack.. this gets a smart ass response.
Then sk12 and sk15 attempt to play a board game.. a freaking board game! Dh is in the same room watching the news.. sk12 begins his normal bullshit yelling and making stupid noises - to play a damn BOARD GAME. Dh says "either you quiet down so I can hear the Tv or you go in the other room".. smart ass response/half yelling "I'm loud when I play board games" from sk12 followed by "I'm not leaving the room".. of course.. DH gets pissed - as any person would. Tells him to knock it off. This gets more smart ass disrespectful back talk. DH sends him to his room.
Sk12 decides he is not going to be in time out anymore.. and comes downstairs and begins to argue with DH and tell him he's not going upstairs. He then tells DH he is getting a snack. DH reminds him that he is eating his dinner and to heat it up. This gets more arguing. More shit. Dh holds the line and sk12 eats his dinner - whining and complaining with every bite.
Then he sends him back upstairs. He then comes back down and says he is getting a bowl of cereal.. uh, nope! More pushback. More arguing. More disrespect..
I could go on.. this is every day with this kid. Every freaking day..
I would love to do this, but
I would love to do this, but honestly.. I am afraid it won't have any effect on him. He is past the point of having any fear or respect for any adult. He's already gotten away with too much.
And yes, he is going to escalate and I will probably get some form of physical abuse and mark my word I will call the cops on his ass..
Fuck that noise! Time to
Fuck that noise! Time to tell the 12yo that you don't like him either and now that the truth is out you will give him plenty of reasons not to like you. Quit cooking for him. Every meal you cook don't set him a place at the table. When he bitches about being hungry hand him a frozen TV dinner and tell him to either suck on it frozen or heat it up himself.
When he gets lippy give him a choice of leaving your home or drop his drawers and bend over for an asswhoopin.
When he treats your daughter rudely open the door, grab him by the scruff of the neck and pitch him out the front door then tell him he can come back when he can treat people with courtesy and respect.
Every time he suffers a consequence for his behavior tell him he can end the pain any time he choses by pulling his head out of his ass and being pleasant.
An adult can keep up the campaign to apply consequences far longer than a kid can instigate.
I have a question. Did your DH put the lippy little shit over his knee for a butt whoopin then and there?
If he did not, he certainly should have. Our father let us know in no uncertain terms that his wife would be treated with respect and to forget that truth was to suffer significant disciplinary consequences. His wife happens to be our mother.
Not that our 5'2" southern lady mom needed any help with keeping us boys in line. She was and remains more than capable of providing clarity to her sons and her grand kids.
My own SS never had anything but clarity of how I would be treated with respect and he definately learned clarity that he would treat my wife with respect.
LOL.. I know, right? I so
LOL.. I know, right?
I so badly want to strike back verbally and tell him exactly what I think of him and that a lot of people share this opinion of him. The only reason I don't is out of respect for my DH and well, fear. This kid is a loose cannon and honestly if I told him what I thought about him, lord knows what kind of foul things would then fly out of his mouth in retaliation... if that happened, and especially if that happens in front of my daughter.. I don't know what I would do. Probably something I'd regret and would change the dynamic of our home permanently. Such as slapping him across the face or telling him to go live with his mom.
DH has not spanked him - he's 12 and a big 12 at that. He has grabbed him off the floor, couch or wherever when he has thrown a tantrum and refused to move or deliberately moved slow just to piss you off.. then sk12 will make a big production and fall down and wail like you beat him.. he is so dramatic and we all know it.
We take away electronics, but really.. I'm not sold that this is really all that effective. His doctor told us to tell him to leave, go away, you are not welcome to participate in whatever until you act right... so we send him away. Personally, I'm not a big fan of this because he just comes back when he is bored - not when he realizes what an ass he has been..
He plays the game well.. we just have to stay a step ahead of him and keep united in our stance.. something he tries to manipulate as well. DH has been great about having my back with regards to this kid.. if not, I'd probably lose my mind.