I feel this way too sometimes. My BS is 12, and my SS is 7. It is especially prevalent with my MIL and FIL... they dote on SS all the time, buying him extra presents at his birthday and Christmas and my son is old enough to see that they do this. My son has accomplished a lot, and is involved in many cool things, my SS does nothing...but still...instead of complimenting my son on all of his acheivments they will say "Oh ss..I'm so proud that you didn't pee yourself today".. you know... But you know what, they're polite to my Son.. I just think they have no idea how to be a Step family, and I don't think they do it on purpose. I was a stepkid once, and I remember my StepGrandparents would say things that they didn't mean to say.. Like "Katie is my oldest Grandchild"..but I was older than Katie and thought, "Am I not your grandchild?"..and I actually thought about those hurtful things for a long time. Truthfully though, my stepgrandparents are the nicest people, and never would have done that intentionally. Today, as an adult I am much closer to my stepgrandparents (I don't call them steps) than I am to my Bio Grandparents, and (b) then all of my cousins (35 of them)... because I am the oldest, and back in the day I spent a lot of time with them... its only as a young adult though that I started to put this into perspective.

About other people complimenting your SS and not your BS, just quietly explain to your son that SS needs the extra attention and recognition, and people are aware of this and that is why they do it.. then compliment bs to death!! haha that is what I do!

My brother has always been and still is the Golden Boy in our family. I know how it feels to be the one always in the background. But to have to watch your children go through that has to be much more painful. I'm so sorry you've had to go through that, and I wish there was something more that I could say. Just give your BS all the love he deserves. Maybe stand up to people who say those kinds of things. I remember my uncle stood up for me once to my parents, and they stumbled around and were actually embarrassed for once. It didn't last long, but it did make me feel good that someone cared enough for me to say something.

My signature quote "Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!" is because I have learned to love myself for who I am. My self worth is not dependent on what my parents or anyone else thinks of me. I have a wonderful husband who loves me for me, and that's all that matters. Your son will have a self realization one day, and will end up being a stronger man because of it.

Does your BS see the difference in treatment? How does he feel about it?

I have never heard of such a thing happening! Its stunning that people...adults!... can really act like that.
Have you ever called them on it? Have you talked to DH about it? I think if I overheard that conversation I would have had to say something without losing my cool and making an ass of myself so the focus is on the hurtful things they said.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and wish that I could just give you a hug through the computer!

Please understand though, that this might not be reflective at all on your son or you or BM!

Can you tell me - is your SS the FIRST grandchild of theirs at all? If yes, I think that could be a big part of it.

I have 2 sisters. They got married 1 month apart and each had two children. Sister 2 had a girl in early August, and lives near my parents. Sister 1 had a boy in late August and lives 8 hours away. Sister 1 had a girl in May 2 years later. Sister 2 had a boy in November 2 years later. All of the grandkids are very very close.

But my parents still seemed to "favor" in storytelling, etc. the grandchildren who lived close to them because they got to watch them a lot more and be part of their lives. It really hurt my sister that lived far away. And she understood it, but still felt absolutely horrible about it.

I think you need to look at how much involvement SS had in your in-laws life before you were around. Were they helping to watch him? Or is it just because he's first? Or just because he looks more like "their" side of the family? It doesn't excuse the behavior in any sense, but it might help you understand WHY.

The next thing that's very important in my opinion, is that your DH needs to address this with them. It can only come him as your BS is also his biological son. What does your DH say about all of this? Does he notice the favortism as well? Does he offer any excuses for it? I think that if he could, he should mention it to his mom or dad, whoever he's closer to. They could not even be aware they are doing it!! And maybe they could just wrap it up a little. Or be more aware of their own actions and words. God forbid your and DH's biological son feel the way you do.

Good luck to you! This is one of those instances, where I believe you (meaning DH) shouldn't have to hold it in.

Hugs girl

No one should ever favor one child over the other. This divides families. Even biological families. I remember one day I met two sisters aged 10 and 12. One was extremely cute with sparkles all over her and a very dramatic personality. The other was quiet, reserved and pretty but not dazzling.

I was immediately charmed by the youngest as she brought such life into the room and told everyone how taken I was with her. I caught the reaction of the older one of dignified resignation. Obviously she was used to being less popular. I immediately made a comment about how lovely and princess like she was too. How lucky the Mother was to have two such beautiful girls that were so special and unique in their own way. She perked right up and came and sat by me.

And I meant it too. All children are a gift from God with unique talents and abilities. I didn't mean to favor the charmer. It's just the charmer demanded so much attention. So it may have nothing to do with who their parents are.

I would go out of my way to help the younger one develop self esteem and confidence. Send him to karate and all sorts of classes to find things he excels at. Ask him if it bothers him to have a brother that is such a magnet for people. Assure him that he is special and you see it and if other's don't see it right away, they are missing out. Also, I would talk to your in laws and let them know that you've noticed favoritism and ask that they try to treat the boys equally. If they are too stupid to do this, all you can do is try to protect your son and help him see his own worth.

Often, the quieter child is the one that shines brighter in adulthood. I've seen it many times. Sorry, it must be hard to see your little one suffer.

Also, please forgive yourself for being angry. You are not a terrible person. You are just hurt. It is normal for a Mother to hurt when her child hurts. I hope you can forgive yourself and your inlaws. They sound like bone heads. Better to forgive them then carry all that anger. I understand, am trying to stop being angry and skids and BM but it's hard. That's why we all have each other!

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

growing up I am the youngest but not the baby! I had an older brother who was slow and passed away when he was 22 and I was 15, Then there is my sister who has 4 children with the same loser BF! She dumped the oldest two and lives from person to person and shelter to shelter with the youngest two, But growing up she had epilepsy and was the poor thing with the entire both families (my moms and dads family) and my other brother was over weight feel sorry for me, no one likes me... But the freaky part is now as adults I am 31 my brother is 33 and my sister is 36. I am the ONLY one who has my life together!!! I am the only one who takes care of my kids and family and has a career. When my sister and brother jump from job to job or my sisters case state to state on welfare sad!!

Now my grandfather whom makes me made also because he JUST loves my daughter and says infront of my son, how she is his favorite "his girl". Just last week we went to visit him (he lives 90+ miles away) and my son sat there sad and quiet, when my mom finally probed him his answered "grandma how come Great-Grandpa doesn't like me like he likes DD?"
My mom got very upset, And said "you know what? I LOVE U!! YOU ARE my baby who cares!" He didn't know what to say! Reguardless, we left as soon as my son said he was sad!!
I never understand how people can say and do stupid things and not consider a child feelings. HMMMM

It is the opposite at my ILs. The dote on my boys and say nice things to SD too but the more on quickly to the boys. I feel bad for her a lot, I am not sure she sees it or not. SD10 doesn't say anything about it.

No matter if it is BS or SS it still stings. I hope things will change in the future for you. Have you talked to them about this? I hope your BS has no idea this is going on.

and I realized that my DH does this to his own kids. He openly favors one of the twins over the other. There is one that has more of his personality and he tends to lean towards that one. I have had to point it out to him multiple times and tell him he needs to stop being so obvious.

He favors the twins over our baby also but I think that's because daddies and babies don't really have alot to offer each other. The baby wants mama and daddy can't really play and do daddy like things with the baby. When Our little loo-loo gets older I know he'll show equal interest in her.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

and I realized that my DH does this to his own kids. He openly favors one of the twins over the other. There is one that has more of his personality and he tends to lean towards that one. I have had to point it out to him multiple times and tell him he needs to stop being so obvious.

He favors the twins over our baby also but I think that's because daddies and babies don't really have alot to offer each other. The baby wants mama and daddy can't really play and do daddy like things with the baby. When Our little loo-loo gets older I know he'll show equal interest in her.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

SD8 shines like the sun while BD14 and BS18 always stay out of the limelight. It helps that my biokids are a little older and can voice to me how they feel about it, but it still sucks.

FH's mother was going to have Thanksgiving Dinner with us last year. When she found out that SD8 wasn't going to be there (she was supposed to spend that day with BM's parents), she canceled and said she only wanted to see SD8...she has no interest in seeing BD14 or SS18.

Every time we go out in public, everyone is ga-ga over how CUTE SD8 is while totally ignoring BD14. In fact, I recall ONE time ever that someone gave SD8 a compliment, then realized they should also acknowledge BD14 so they said, "She is so cute. They BOTH are beautiful girls. BD14, your hair is so pretty!" When that happened, SD8 couldn't handle the fact that she wasn't getting 100% of the attention and actually said, "She wears that same t-shirt EVERY DAY," in a real snotty tone, right there in front of everyone, totally embarrassing BD14.

I am in the same exact boat as you.

my future mil and even the great grandma give my sd more money at birthdays and christmas's. they justify it that bd is 8yrs younger than sd, but MY grandma has probably 35 grandkids and great grandkids, and she gives out the same amount to all, and my oldest cousin is like 35 i think. she doesnt discriminate. mil has 4 grandkids total, and looks at sd as her favorite. she even told me this when i was pregnant with bd. i find it repulsive and will cause problems once bd and her 2 cousins are old enough to see how nona gives jami more than them.

this year, my sd got 75 for a bike from mil, plus a 25 dollar check. her great grandma gave her 15 dollars. mil gave my bd 25 check and great grandma gave her 10. i told bf about it and he said he would say something but i told him not to bother cause even if mil and gg gave bd more, it would be out of pity not cause they want to be fair.

you should start to ignore ss and give all attention to bs. that will show ss he isnt the 'best' as others try to make him feel he is. also, dont include anyone with bs's things, leave THEM out and see how they feel. thats what i do and it may cause a commotion but then i get my point across.