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Just human's picture

Submitted by Just human on Sun, 02/03/2013 - 4:41pm

My Sd was left to live in another state with her grand mother while BM lived in another state with her new husband. My husband is overseas in the military. He did not consent to his daughter living with the grandmother but that is besides the point. My contact with the 13 yo SD was good (she has stayed with us twice and we had great times) until the BM moved back to where my SD was living. Since then she does not communicate with me and says horrible things about me to her father. It's very high school with her mother in the background egging it on. My husband only told her to stop when I called his attention to it being a problem for me. The BM through the SD has done well to create distance between me and the SD. Now the SD is on "good terms" with her dad without repairing the damage done to my relationship with the SD. I was the last one to communicate with the SD offering my support during a time of crisis the SD was going through. The SD does not reply to me. My husband asked if I can renegade his daughter again. I don't want to subject myself to this knowing the SD is being manipulated by her mother. I feel like my husband is stuck between me and his daughter. I feel like an outsider since my husband does not see things until I point them out, he does not defend me or protect me unless I say it's inappropriate. I have told him before I have been in bad relationships and will not subject myself to emotional abuse NO MATTER WHO IT'S COMING FROM. That is my right and I understand it makes things hard for my husband. Everything was fine until the BM was staying with the SD. There of course has been more detail but the extent of my relationship with the SD is accurate. I fear as time goes on this is only going to get worse. Anyone with a similar story or advice about re engaging the SD? I really don't want to and just like the last two times I am sure she will not reply. I cannot call the SD because the BM has harassed my number before resulting in me having to change my number. We can't give out our address to the BM either because she has stalked my husband in the past.

Comments

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 9:58am

I agree with SA. And I think sd may feel jealous that you get to live with her dad and have a loving relationship with him but she does not. She may also very well feel neglected by both bm and dh. Your putting yourself out there so much makes you go from being a fairly easy target to being a very easy target. Unfortunate, yes, but it is the truth.

Just human's picture

Submitted by Just human on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 11:17pm

Thanks Anon and SA. I have not tried to contact the SD since Oct of last year. I have been keeping my distance because I get the message loud and clear after things between she and I were going so well and as soon as the BM lives with her it completely changes. I have no desire to give the BM fuel for her fire. This recently came up because now the SD is actually being nice to her dad and he thought things were getting better. I am a realist and know its not better especially when she is starting to ask about cars (she is at that age) and just wants her "rich" dad to get her wheels soon. He thinks things are actually getting better so he asked me to re-engage. I agree with your comments completely that the ball is in her court and its my DH's responsibility and that he is in over his head. All I can do is protect myself, not make our marriage about his kids and the BM, and keep my boundaries. I have asked my DH to go to counseling with me when he returns to the US. I want to make sure we are keeping our marriage in tact and that we have the same priorities (our marriage). We have gone to couple's workshops before (his idea) so I think he will be open to this.