Me and my big mouth :S
Well, apparently I sort of ruined valentine's day. We brought SD to get her bank account opened that morning, and somehow, in the course of filling out papers, FH made a mention of me taking his last name when we married.
This is the first time we talked about this issue, and I have mixed feelings on the subject. I just said "we'll talk about it later." And he immediately took that as I refused to take his name, and was very hurt and angry. 
Ladies, it's not him, it's ME. I took my exhusband's last name when I got married last time, and it was only through that I realized how much my personal identity was tied to being "northernsiren smith" I did NOT like not feeling the connection with something so intrinsic as my NAME, plus I did not like to sever the tie to my own family! I had even kept it as my middle name, and that still was not enough.
Well FH dropped it until we were out at dinner, and he brought it up again. He said it really bothered him b/c I took my exhusband's name, and now I wouldn't take his. I explained that it was BECAUSE of the loss I felt when I did that I realized how important it was to me, but further offered to hyphenate my name, which he grudgedly accepted.
Yesterday when SD was out with friends we were doing out marriage questions book and it was going along rather well, until this subject came up AGAIN. This time he went on to say that he wanted people to see us, (me, him and SD) as a family, and if I had the same last name as them, people would just assume she was my biological daughter.
I don't know what my problem is with this, but it made me :O . My feelings seem so petty and shallow, but it bothers me that people would think a. I am old enough to have a child so old herself, and b. that I had a child so young! I realized how pathetic and shallow I was for LIKING the fact that people assumed I was her sister, and it BOTHERED me to have to give up that "idea of being young" for a child who wasn't mine.
I tried to say this to him, but, as I was afraid of, he took it very personally and got offended because I was saying I didn't want people assuming that I made the very mistake he made, and I was judging him.
I made ALOT of mistakes when I was 17 yrs old, hell, older than that. I ROYALLY screwed up my life and the most important relationships in my life during that time through bad choices, and I fought for years to make up the lost ground. But the mistakes I made don't show. You could meet me and never know the depth of my poor decision making, not so with a 15 yr old child standing next to me. I have to live with the ramifications of my bad choices every day, and I guess on top of everything else I managed to screw up, having anyone think I had a child that young too would just be the icing on the cake of "royally f-ing up your life".
I should never have said anything. I KNEW even before I said it that this was how it would turn out. I love FH dearly, but one of his MOST annoying qualities is to internalize everything, and he CAN'T let a feeling of mine just exist on it's own, he has to make it about him.
The whole point of doing these workbooks and stuff is to have an open and honest dialogue around important issues, PLUS practice important communication skills. So far it's all gone very well, until yesterday anyway.
I believe I have handled this HUGE issue of his having a child with remarkable grace and acceptance. I have not only welcomed her into my life, home and heart, but facilitated practically everything about the custody situation myself, for concern and love for both of them, nothing selfish at all.
I don't think it's unfair of me to hold this ONE thing back. To hold complete acceptance of the role of "mom" back. She's not a baby, she HAS a mom. I did not have the joy of seeing her as a baby, and watching her grow through all these years. That does NOT mean I do not love or care for her, or not see her as part of our family. She is what MAKES us not just a couple, but a family. I just don't see why I have to encourage people to assume I'm her MOTHER. Why do I need that label? To me, it's more limiting than anything else. Once you put a label on something, not only do you define what it is, but what it is NOT. I can be so much more for her without that title, and despite the fact I don't like BM, she will NEED her mom to be her mom, or risk a lifetime of issues because of it.
Plus there's a tiny part of me that wants to reserve that for if I am lucky enough to have a child of my own. One that I CAN watch from birth to adulthood and bond with that whole time. I feel guilty and bad for thinking that way....
I said all that, and he sort of relaxed a little, but he's still hurt, I know it. Of course all of this was exchanged without SD there, that is a totally inappropriate conversation to have in front of a kid.
I just am emotional and upset because I was trying to be forthright and honest about my feelings, even KNOWING I was taking a risk, but trusting him anyway, and I guess I was right to be concerned... I'm sure it will blow over with time, but I know we're both disappointed in each other, and I'm not sure how to bring that around again...
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Ns...I think
there are several things going on here. First, like bella, your DH has not had a REAL 1st time experience with being married and/or being a dad with someone he truly loves. It's a new thing for him. I think he wants you to take his name b/c it's a 1st for him. A 1st to be with someone he truly loves and to give his name to you, it's somehow really tied into their personal being as men. Primitive really I think.
I also think the name thing ties heavily into that "family" thing. He never was a true "family" with BM, so he views you as her mom. He wants so badly to feel that BM is out of the picture. I really think he dislikes her so much that he wants you to replace her with SD. Unfortunately for him, you are healthy enough to understand that is impossible/nor would you want to do that. I think maybe he has a case of the brady bunch going on.
I think it's really cool of you guys to be doing workbooks and things like that. If more people took 1/10 of the time that takes into actually thinking about their marriage, marriage as a whole in this country would be far better.
Thanks Sia
I hadn't really thought about the first part of what you said, namely it being a first for him and wanting to "give" me the name as much as for me to accept it. That does help me a lot, and feel better about my agreement to compromise here. I realized in the course of writing this that I do still have a lot of baggage around my last marriage. All the workbooks and stuff, that's ME, pushing for it, b/c I went into my last marriage with the idea that we loved each other, and that was enough. it's not enough, and my heart broke finding that out.
And you 100% hit the nail on the head with the desire for a true family. He doesn't even have one of his own really, they are people who go for months and months without talking, do not share holidays, exchange cards, nothing, and his childhood was extremely disfunctional with his mom and dad splitting up after years of abuse, and subsequent relationships of his moms not working out either. I know he wants his family more than anything, and he's taking what I said as basically refusing.
I don't know how my actions could give him that impression, I've done everything to reunite him with his daughter and BE a family. How can one little word "mother" ruin all the good I've done and continue to do?
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Maybe he is
projecting. Sounds more like projecting to me the more I think about it. If his childhood was that bad, then maybe he is wanting a mother for his daughter that is like you are with her? Wanting a better mother for her than what he had? Or wanting a mother for her that he wished he had?
and me saying what I said is therefore
rejection of SD, of him, AND his notion of family, all in one.
I wouldn't be surprised at all if some of this was coming from exactly this. How do I get past it though, either on my side or from his perspective?
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
hmmmmm
I dont know really. Sometimes if you can explain your feelings and listen to his (if you can get him to tell you) then you can effectively understand each other. Maybe if you suggest that to him, he may agree he feels that way. Sounds lke he may be a person who has difficulty putting his feelings into words and may need a nudge or 2 from you?
I think I'll give him a couple of days
to relax around the issue and then maybe come at it from a calmer place. He's got no problem actually talking about his feelings, his major emotional handicap is just being egocentric. He's very giving and considerate, but when things happen, he has difficulty not making them about him first and foremost... Thank you for the support!!!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
When I got Married
this was also the one thing I held back. And you are right, one invests a lot of effort in ones self to lose an identity that had been with one forever. My main reason for not taking his last name is professional. I have been in the same field for 6 years and would have to change all my ID's, email etc. if I was to change my name to his.
In retrospect, it was a good decision on my part. I would hate to have to go through the expense of changing names, and then if things don't work out, to have to change names back.
However, we did compromise that I would change it once and if we have children.
One can only hope!
October8
I didn't even raise the specter of that whole practicality issue. I STILL have my married name on one of my bank accounts and as a user name for one of my jobs, b/c both are out of state and I have to go there and physically show them papers saying my name is changed to get them to switch it. I HATE it....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
name change
I think that the way you feel is totally understandable-I have been my last name for 24 yrs and to change it now seems silly and unnecessary, but it means alot to my FH to have his name, (and we will NOT have any children together) we have 5 between us already.
but I do believe it is something that you should not rush into and needs to be discussed, but I also think that you hubby longs for solidarity. Like Sia said since he has not had that.
again you have every right to feel the way you do and whatever decision you two make it will be the right one.
hugs
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
We both did agree
on the hyphenation thing, it wasn't his first choice, or mine, so therefore, a fair compromise to us both. I am still worried about the overall implications of the issue, and the emotional fall out from the perceived rejection of his "family" on my part. I need to make him see that's not what's motivating my feelings, I just didn't do a good job the last time...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
funny how
on name change men can be emotionally tied to it and we are not!! talk about role reversal
LOL
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
very true!!!
an astute observation!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
i know before we got married
DH was really upset when i mentioned about MAYBE hyphenating my name. i mean, he got REAL worked up. maybe it is like sia said...they just want the whole thing w us and thats a very primitive way of proving they have it!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
FH and I have had this discussion
and he was a bit disappointed to find that I don't really have an interest in taking his last name for several reasons the main two being a) I'm attached to mine. I like it, I've had it for 34 years and it suits me well. b) I don't want the same last name as BM. When I have to write the front page story about her meth manufacturing bust (which is an almost inevitable occurrence, more a matter of when than if), I do not want anyone connecting me to her from my byline.
But I have considered it would be better for the kids. Since FH has custody, it would be nice to present the intact family front. We plan to marry this year, I'm hoping BM beats us to the punch. She just had a kid in December and I believe plans to marry the live in boyfriend/baby daddy. Hopefully she'll do it soon, so then it will narrow it down to a personal identity matter for me and not about the shame she already has and probably will bring to the name in the future.
And you're right SarahB, It is funny. I half-jokingly offered to let FH take my name, which is shared by several prominent people around here, none of them my relations, and the name of the county. He looked at me like I was insane. Why can't they take our names? Especially if ours is better, so to speak. It's gotta be some caveman, pissing on trees part of patriarchal society.
NS, I hope the hyphenated compromise works out. You've definitely made me realize, I have much to consider and discuss with FH concerning that.
The name doesn't matter
to whether people think SD is yours or not. It would just make him FEEL like you are all one group.
I took my Hs last name, and had reservations about it as well. But it is ok now; I am getting used to it. I think a hyphenated name is a good compromise for you.
Since BMs started her PAS tactics SD says that when she turns 16 she is changing her name to SFs. She has my Hs last name, we really p's off BM. We know she got this from BM, BM changed her last name to her mothers maiden name when she was a teenager. I explained that you have to get an attorney, pay fees, stand in front of a judge and let him decide. And I let her know that my H would be there to tell the judge he does not approve. SD says well maybe I will just change my name when I get married then. But we will see...
I still have my maiden name
because I don't want the same last name as BM. She never changed her last name after the divorce. When I presented why I wanted to keep my maiden name to DH from that perspective, he was OK with that. I think there are times when even he feels hurt and bad because he and BM still have the same last name.
Have you checked out your state's laws about this? A lot of women are keeping and giving their children their maiden names. Did you tell that to BM, SD or both? I think BM is the best person to tell this to. Then she might, just might reconsider letting SD do this at 16. BM said the same thing- when SDs are 16 she will be changing their last names to her maiden name. DH was totally against this one and stood his ground. He told BM, "last time I checked, I pay you child support, I follow the court order, and I have never missed a visitation. So, I think that, by law, you need my to give my permission before you change their last names, and I won't be doing that. And you will find yourself in court if you try to go behind my back and change their last names without my permission." Also tell BM that because DH won't be signing off on this, once SD is 16, both she (BM) and SD only have 2 more years to go until SD is 18 and SD can change her last name to whatever she wants. I wouldn't recommend saying that to SD, though- if she brings it up, tell her the adults are handling it and once they (DH, you, her stepdad, and BM) have made a decision about it, you'll all let her know. That's what we had to do for my SDs- it took awhile for them to get the message but it finally did work and they stopped bugging us about it.
Now that BM does not have custody, this is not an issue for her any longer. The girls are keeping their dad's last name (for the time being, anyway)
and it was one less court expense we incurred.
Just tell him...
to have him change his and your SD's last name to your last name.
Problem solved...everyone's happy.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I married when I was 30 years old
so for 30 years I carried my maiden name. When I got married I gladly tossed aside my maiden name and took my H last name even though BM still carried that name. Taking H last name was a proud moment for me. I love that man more than anything I have ever known and truly feel that the hand of God was on the making of our relationship. So when I say my name is StepG Forrest I want everyone to know that I am the wife of XXXX Forrest. I do not feel as though I have lost any of my past identity. Hell up until I was about 28 even when H and I were dating I swore I would never get married let alone take someone else's last name. I was StepG Warren and that is what all knew me by but it was strange how the feeling of wanting to marry H and being proud to take his last name was. Now SS gets a kick out of it and will hug me and his dad and say the Forrest Family I love ya'll and when I have a baby with H I sure want my last name to be the same as my child.
So simply said this is a matter of to each their own. I understand your feelings as I have had them once before in my life. You may change your mind one day and then you may not. So do what makes you feel comfortable.
Obviously its become a
Obviously its become a common practice for women to choose to keep their maiden names. If my DW had indicated that she wanted to keep her name, not taking mine, I absolutely would be hurt. Im somewhat of an old fashion guy or traditionalist perhaps.
Its perhaps part ego, rejection of him, a small part of him but a rejection none the less.
When I was in college 20 years ago this topic came up. The prof asked if there was a student in the class who would consider not marrying a women who refused to take his name. In a class of over 250 students, I alone raised my hand. It was an interesting class, I got hammered! I basically said I would consider it, for my personal reasons and wanting full unity within a family. I would also consider being ok with it, depending on the circumstances. I let the ladies know that despite the fact that 1 guy out of 100+ raised his hand, a vast majority would have varying degrees of acceptance. Most would feel rejected, hurt, angry, some wouldn’t care.