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Troubled 11 year old step son

SWARTS's picture

Submitted by SWARTS on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 12:12pm

I have been with my girlfriend and her 2 sons going on 4 years living together for 3 1/2. Last night tried to discilpline 11 year old because he was starting with his younger brother yet again. Mom was up stairs for not even 5 minutes and he starts his shit with his brother who was doing his homework. I walked in the kitchen told him to shut his mouth and leave his brother alone well thats when the screaming started the "I did not do anything he touched me first blah blah blah I told him to go to his room because you raise your voice to me step child or not you will be repramanded. As he was going to his room the screaming got louder Mom came down told him to go to his room he said no stayed on steps screaming telling mom he was going to punch me in the face I ruined his life since the day i entered so on and so forth....that's when I told him to shut up I basically lost it after being screamed at by him...this a phrase not permitted in mom's house but yet her 2 boys say it to each other on a daily basis never punished for it but just told to stop over and over and over...Mom turned to me and told me we don't talk that here...really??? Anyway 11 year old finally went to room mom finished homework with her younger son who went to bed. She then finished homework with older son who was having the melt down. After doing that completely ignored me went to bed without saying good night or anything....When I went up to bed later nothing just my girlfriend rolled over to her side of the bed as far as she could be...usually before I go to work I give her a kiss and text her when I arrive safely I did neither this morning...I don't do well with the silent treatment but I'm at the point where I'm really not going to speak to her until she speaks to me first...I don't know what to do about us anymore we both love each other very much but no matter what we do this kid gets between us. I'm sooooooooooooooooooo frustrated.

Comments

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 1:07pm

I am sorry. I have been here and done this time and time again.

I dont always think disengaging is the answer either, sometimes it leads to the kid having more power then they should.

Have you spoke to her outside of the element of home like really sat down and had a heart to heart yet?

Nellie's picture

Submitted by Nellie on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 1:16pm

Have you tried completely ignoring what the kids are doing? If they get in a big fight or whatever just do NOTHING. Then your wife will have to deal with every single problem they cause. It makes it HER problem. Not yours. If one of them ends up with a black eye and wife asks you what happened, just say "they had a fight, bigger kid was picking on and beating up on little kid. I didn't intervene because I didn't want to upset you". This will be very hard to do - just sitting on the sidelines, ignoring, not getting involved. But I think you might find it liberating, not having to deal with the kid issues.

midnyt's picture

Submitted by midnyt on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 7:24pm

It sounds to me like you need to sit down with GF and have a conversation about what type of role she expects you take on in regards to the boys. I am a BM to 2 boys a little younger than your SS's. My boys have a father that they see regularly and yet I still expect my SO to take on an active role with them. However, that being said, I cant expect him to take on the responsibility of an active role and not give him any rights. Yes I will confront him if I think he is being too harsh but never within earshot of the kids. I always uphold his punishments, otherwise kids think they can divide and conquer which is what it sounds like.

I think its really important to keep an open line of communication no matter how angry you both are, my grandmother used to say, "never let the sun set on an arguement" makes you both grumpy the next day. My SO and I dont, we argue like cat and dog sometimes but I will always say to him something like "I am going to bed, I am still angry over XYZ, but I love you anyway" He will always kiss me in the morning and tell me he loves me before he leaves for work even if he is angry. I think alot of people let anger cloud all of their other emotions so that the only thing that then becomes important is the arguement at hand.

Try to see past the anger, and talk to GF, what SS said to you was rude and inexcusable but you arent going to get a resolution on it if you and GF are not on the same page. If you need to, get her expectations in writing so you have a reference point. Then you can start to deal with the behaviour and attitude.

Good luck with it, its a shitty situation when you feel like your damned if you do and damned if you dont!!