When the stepparent removes privileges
I am fairly new member to this group and would apprecaite some guidance. My SD17 lives with us fill time and has often over the last 5 years or so, treated my husband with serious disrespect. My huband often does not parent her out of fear (I think) and I've grown tired of it.
Last New Years she was supposed to babysit our other two girls (age 2 and 7) and instead, she tied up my husband for 5 hours texting a series of lies of where she was, creating drama, saying she had severe anxiety, and then when everything was backfiring she called the kids help line to support her cause of not coming home because she was "afraid." So she got her way and stayed out with friends at a house all night, with no parental supervision at all. My husband and I just couldn't beleive the length and lies she goes to to get her own way. To make matters worse, she has a 1 year old son that she is tagging along as an accessory in all this.
My husband is not a strong authorative man when it comes to her, so I stepped in and removed her privilege of wireless internet (sucks when she has a new Laptop). When she asked me why I told her "I don't like the way you treat my husband." I think she was blindsided.
Now she is asking for the wireless back and I told her I'd think about it. She is telling my husband it's been too long and she should have it back. May I note she's never appologized to my husband for New Years. She has been much better since New Years but I don't trust her at all.
I really want to make this effective, and I am not convinced she is sorry for the way she treated my husband. Any suggestions how to handle this? I want a lesson to be learned instead of returning privliges "just because."
Let me just start out by
Let me just start out by saying I'm no expert. I have no bio kids, and I haven't been a step-mom that long. Good for you for taking away her wireless privileges. I think you should stick to your guns. You said SD is asking for her privileges back, but you're not convinced she's sorry. I don't really have an answer for that. I guess it depends on your relationship w/ her. Do you feel comfortable enough to talk about things w/ her? Explain WHY you took the stuff away. Maybe it'll be easier for her to apologize if you bring up the subject.
You said DH is not very authoritive. How does he feel about you disciplining his daughter? If he doesn't like it, then tell him he either needs to step up and do it himself or you're going to keep being the disciplinarian because somebody has to. If he DOES like it because then he doesn't have to be the bad guy, I'd tell him that he's the real parent and he needs to lay down the law. Usually what DH and I do is talk about things together (just the two of us) and then talk to SD13 and lay out the consequences. That way it shows her we're a united front. It also shows her that it's BOTH of us giving the punishment. That way DH doesn't have to be the bad guy alone. Luckily, SD doesn't really do anything bad. The only thing we've had to give punishment on has been related to her not doing homework. Maybe this united front thing will work for you and your DH. Even if you do all the talking, if he's sitting next to you, it shows your SD that you two are a team and you two are the heads of the household.
So - have you told her what
So - have you told her what she needs to do to reinstate her wireless access?
I haven't told her (yet) what
I haven't told her (yet) what she needs to do because I was actually waiting to see if she would ever appologize to my DH on her own accord. She hasn't. So this week I plan to talk to her about it, and suggest she sincerely appologize. I am also going to bring up the fact that she wants her wireless internet but she has my DH blocked from her Facebook. So that needs to change. I was thinking of also telling her that if she disrepscts my DH again, then she will lose the Wifi prvilidge permanently, and she'll have to get her own wireless account and pay for it. It sounds a little harsh, but I want this to be a learning lesson for her.
I think my DH likes the fact I took control of this one. He does basically all of the disciplining with her, but frankly he is weak and often does not stick to his guns. It really bothers me.
I don't think that sounds
I don't think that sounds harsh. You can't treat people like crap and then expect them to pay for everything. Maybe it'll teach her a lesson in how to treat people.
While having this discussion
While having this discussion ask her what her plans are for when she turns 18.
"Oh by the way where are you planning on living after you graduate/turn 18"?
Nothing like a little reminder that she is owed nothing in just a few months.
Ha Ha!! I never thought of
Ha Ha!! I never thought of that... great idea!!
I don't expect that I can fix her disrespect to my hubby, but I sure can take away all the "perks" she has until she gets the message. She told us she wanted to be treated like an adult, so I am going to call her out on it this week when I talk to her about the internet. If she keeps treating my hubby with disrespect, paying for her laundry is next one on my list.
Adults pay their
Adults pay their rent/mortgage and they pay for their own cell phones and internets and everything else! I'd tell her you'll start treating her more like an adult when she starts acting like one and starts contributing to the household.
Exactly! I'll use that
Exactly! I'll use that phrase when I speak with her this week. She is not going to know what to say, I know it.