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SS19 won't respect us.

amisowrong's picture

Submitted by amisowrong on Mon, 03/14/2016 - 5:11am

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Teenage Stepchildren

Hi,

I am about to pull my hair out. SS19 just refuses to show any kind of respect towards myself or his father. We have a few rules which he has been told numerous times to follow and he doesn't. He is dependent on us as he thinks he is beyond getting a job or making any kind of money whatsoever. We don't mind supporting him as such since he is going to university (which he hardly attends) but it's the same roller coaster ride every day.

He has been told that his girlfriend is not to stay the night and he needs to ask us on weekends. He completely ignores this and we are finding his girlfriend at our place almost every day now. He sneaks her in late at night and even when scolded over it, he does it again!!!

Eats all the food in the house and leaves his bowls, plates, glasses anywhere he pleases.

What to do? Both DH and I don't know how to deal because every time he is spoken to, he throws us the "I'm depressed, leave me alone" card.

Ugh!

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Mon, 03/14/2016 - 9:36am

Depression is a mental health issue that needs to be evaluated and treated. It is NOT an excuse for bad behavior.

You need a plan, and the first step is evaluation by a psychiatrist. If SS refuses, then his only option is to move out. He has got to take responsibility for his health (mental and physical) and work toward an independent life.

All you are teaching him now is that he can do whatever he wants without consequences. And you are the ones suffering for it. You continue to expect him to obey house rules, he continues to break the rules. Get out of that cycle.

Is there maybe some codependency going on here? Is there something your DH is getting out of this dysfunctional dance he and his son are doing? If you and your DH can't seem to follow through on enforcing house rules, you might consider family therapy, at least for you and your DH, to figure out how to enforce consequences rather than get stuck in anger and guilt.

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Mon, 03/14/2016 - 10:00am

Take the door off his room. If he has a larger bed replace it with a single.

Tell girlfriend she is not to stay overnight and/ or have sex in your house. They need to be elsewhere to sleep together.

Change the locks. Don't give him a key. Tell him you will let him, and only him, in. If he comes home late he needs to call and wait in the driveway to be let in.
Since he won't respect the rules he can't be in the house unless either his father or you is at home.

Seeing a mental health professional is not negotiable. Either he sees one or he moves out.

Time for tough love.

LikeMinded's picture

Submitted by LikeMinded on Mon, 03/14/2016 - 10:35am

I agree with the making him want to launch advice. Many boys launch so that they can have sex, if he's getting it, plus free food and wifi, why should he work and move out?

Make it unpleasant to live there, ban the sex, get rid of wifi, cable. Stop paying for his cell phone or his car.

Don't stock any ready-made food in the kitchen. Just meat and potatoes that need cooking.

He needs motivation to move out, the GF is a good start.

oyvey's picture

Submitted by oyvey on Tue, 03/15/2016 - 6:43am

I've been seriously depressed. Funnily enough, each episode of depression started during a period of my life when I was floundering without goals and NOT EMPLOYED.

He needs a job, stat. GF needs kicking out. Hnestly, WTF is this trend of people allowing their kids have sex in their home? Being able to have sex was one of the biggest reasons kids LEFT HOME back in the day, and pushed many a young man and woman into getting their own place with as few roommates thus interruptions as possible.

There are lots of online resources about making "if you wanna live here, you must plan to launch" contracts with kidults, basically stripping it all down and going back to the basics. He's going to need this because clearly he thinks he's a speshul snowflake who doesn't need to get his hands dirty. Google "failure to launch" and you'll find plenty.

A job, even a crappy fast food job, gives people pride. Gives a value to money. Funny how $5 is more when you work the fry machine for it! Social interaction... responsibility... these things are what make teens launch. So many of them are scared to death of the real world. But being afraid is not a reason to let them lie about and do nothing. That's not going to help them at all. Tough love!