Is this okay to send to step kids mother?
So,
We have just found out that step kid has been lying about us to this mother in order to get some attention. She has asked me why we took away his electronics and why he is so upset (because he wanted to go back to her place once we took them away) - so am wondering if this is okay to say? (I truly believe the kid is a sociopath)
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We're not surprised that H has asked to go back with you. We indeed took his electronics away from him, and for good reason. We are well aware that he has been lying to you about us and how we apparently make him feel bad for wanting to see you among other hurtful things. Absolute load of rubbish and clearly a tactic to get what he wants out of anyone who will listen to his lies. We have ALWAYS told him that he SHOULD have a relationship with you and want to see you and spend time with you. It's obvious he has zero respect for us, even after all the things we've done with and for him. He knows exactly how to play all of us and we finally woke up to it. We are taking some control back in a home that we work our asses off to pay for, and rightly so.
We might not take pictures of the kid climbing a tree, but he has received a bucket load of interaction and affection from both of us and we shouldn't have to post it on Facebook to prove spending time with him. I'm sure he just forgot to mention that his dad has taken him out on his scooter with his friends, painted ornaments with him, constantly at the playground with him, teaching him how to dive in the pool, sat with him to understand his times tables every night, read to him, played ps4 with him, skylanders and adventure time board games, cook and bake with him, the list goes on but we know that if he tells you he doesn't get any attention from his dad, you will fall for it, attack us and provide him with all the cuddles, kisses and compliments he so desperately desires. (and yes, we also provide that to him too... ALL THE TIME.)
We don't just shell out money to keep him occupied, we are bending over backwards in every kind of way for him but he has played us far too long. He is not a child of poverty, neglect or abuse; but continues to be ungrateful and devious to get what he wants, when he wants. He understands more than he leads on and until he realizes that lying about people just to get some attention can be hurtful and disrespectful, he won't be getting privileges from us, and they are privileges.
He is almost 10-years-old and has done quite well to pull the wool over our eyes. His older brother has told us how he laughs when he has been naughty in his care because "so what? the consequences won't be bad and I'll still get what I want anyway" and then when we arrive home from work, it's the cute DADDAHHH baby talk.
We also know that when he came back to the house today and saw that his TV and iPod were gone, he immediately wanted to go back to your house. Actually, that's fine with us. He can run away as long as he wants, it's not going to change how we feel. We shouldn't have fallen for the baby act at almost 10-years-old, but we did and we understand the mistakes we've made, but we're not going to make them again. Considering the hurt and disappointment we are feeling, it's probably best he stay with you any way.
Not wanting an argument or blame game either because he is old enough to know better and this is his doing, nobody else. It's about time he grew up a bit and took some responsibility and understanding for the trouble he has been causing.
^^Agree^ Not knowing your
^^Agree^ Not knowing your situation, I'd be offended if I was the wacky BM who got this letter. Echo has a good point about skipping the SM to BM letter and having your DH write any necessary letter to BM. Keep you out of the conflict as much as possible even if SS is badmouthing you. You can't win.
I hear your frustration, but I'd start a major shit-fling if you sent this to me.
What goes on in your house,
What goes on in your house, stays in your house.
Why bother explaining?
AND......this could be used against you in court in the future..."Considering the hurt and disappointment we are feeling, it's probably best he stay with you any way."
Don't get involved. Its not your "fight".
Though I completely
Though I completely understand why you would want to send this message I agree with Echo that it is no okay.
Rather than play tit for tat games with communicating with BM just continue to bring the pain down on the manipulative little shit skid. Continue to enforce the rules and if the Skid fails to catch clarity then tighten the rules until the kid is abjectly miserable.
Keep explaining and demonstrating the connection between SS-10s behavior and the consequences for that behavior. Some kids learn quickly and a swat to the ass and a few days being grounded will be enough. Other kids need continuously escalating consequence and misery. I would guess your SS-10 falls in the later category.
If BM asks about what is going on then you and DH can formulate a response that DH can deliver.
Good luck.
NOPE NOPE NOPE You will start
NOPE NOPE NOPE
You will start world war 3 with this letter. YOU should never send ANYTHING to BM, specifically not in writing!!!!
If these are issues, DH can handle it and meet BM for coffee, send her an email, or simply speak with her quickly at drop off.
A simple "I know he tells you he is mistreated here. Know that he also tells us he is mistreated when with YOU, and we know that would never be true. He is playing one side against the other to get what he wants, and we will not believe the things he says about you. I hope you extend the same courtesy."
Then drop it. She either will get it, or not.
If any communication is sent
If any communication is sent at all, I would severely restrict it to just one or two sentences as in furkidsforme's response. There is a lot of defensiveness and subtle digs in the original letter and BM would just love a reason to go ape shit, I'm sure.
I agree, do not send that! I
I agree, do not send that!
I sympathize with you, honestly. My skids did the same damn thing. (Actually my skids played it BOTH ways - they lied to us about BM's house and lied to her about our house.) And then they got caught. It was wonderful. }:)
When I got pregnant, after we told the kids one weekend, they were excited, talking about names, whether it was a boy or a girl, etc. We dropped them off at BM's at the end of the weekend. DH almost immediately got a call from BM, the girls were "sobbing", they were "so upset", what the hell did he say to them?!? So DH turned right around and we entered the lion's den - we went into BM's house and ALL of us (BM, her H, me and DH WITH the girls) had a Come To Jesus Meeting.
DH asked the girls, in front of BM, what was going on. Lots of looking down at the floor, no eye contact, and they didn't say anything. BM tells us the girls said we told them we were starting a "new family", that DH didn't "need them anymore". DH asked the oldest if that was true. SD(then)16 said "No! We didn't say that, exactly, Mom misunderstood..."
OMG, the look on BM's face when she realized that her girls were PLAYING her! BM and DH compared notes and determined that MOST of what the girls were telling them was either grossly exaggerated, or outright lies. BOTH parents came down hard on the girls for lying. It actually stopped the story-telling for quite a while! (Not permanently.)
But here's the thing, the ONLY reason it worked was because BM and DH were a team - and to a lesser extent, so were SF and I. We didn't attack BM for her reaction, we didn't try to make her feel stupid for "falling for it" - the heat was ENTIRELY on the kids. Which is where it belongs. Furthermore, DH took the lead as the parent, with me supporting him. And we never once hinted at washing our hands of the kids (a la "you keep them then!").
So like I said, I have A LOT of sympathy for you - I was in your shoes. And I get why you're pissed. But the letter you've got above is going to make things worse, not better. You need to let DH take the lead (other posters are right about that), and if at all possible, you need to have a face to face meeting with all of you AND the kid where you put the kid on the spot and make him tell the SAME story to BOTH parents. (Also good NOT to have any of that in writing, honestly - it WILL come back to bite you.)
Good luck, I hope you can get the lying under control!!