Having trouble with stepdaughter and her family
I am having trouble with my stepdaughter. My husband and I have been married 1 year on Aug 8. We have lived with his mom until December. My stepdaughter is 10 years-old and very smart. she lives with her maternal grandmother and sees her mother very other weekend and is with us the other weekend. My husband has had issues with her and her family before I even knew him. She has TV in her rooms at all the other houses she stays at including my mother-in laws'. My husband and I do not think she should have a TV in her room. She is allowed to watch TV (her shows) most of the time when is is with us. Her mom wants her to have a TV in her room. My stepdaughter thinks it is a right not a privilege. She is also allowed to stay up all night long in the summer. We do not think this is a goods idea. She is really mean when we try to get her up and it takes us a least 1/2 hour to get her up. She is also disrespectful and ungrateful. We had her for a week. We did almost everything she wanted to do. When she did not get to do want she wanted, she said she was bored and wanted to go home. She says I do not understand her, but very time I try to talk to her she does not want to. She makes disrespectful jokes all the time. I have a daughter of my own and I do not want her to be around my step daughter the way she is acting. My stepdaughter lies to get want she wants. She has even told me several times that she hates her own mother. I am afraid that if she continues down this road she will get in a lot of trouble. Now her mom's family hates me because of a TV set. They all agree that she is disrespectful, but they think a TV in her room will solve all her problems. My husband thinks the only way to settle this is to go to court, but we do not have any money to hire a lawyer. I have an an Early Childhood Education degree and I have done almost everything I can think of to help this relationship. Any thoughts on how I should handle this. I am at the point where I do not want to see my stepdaughter because any thing I saw or do she will report it to her mom.Her mom does not want me to see her either. We have tried talking to her mom and step dad calmly but we ended up in a huge shouting match. I do not want my husband to lose his daughter. Thank you for letting me vent.
Let her have the TV. I know
Let her have the TV. I know people have differing views on this. But, my son has had one since he was three and he is fine. Straight A's active kid. No problem at all. I did it so I didn't have to listen to Barney anymore. Now at 15 he saved enough money to buy himself an upgrade to a flat screen. I don't think you want to go to court over a TV. Save that for the big stuff.
We just got SS12 a new tv for his room. Got the Wii out of my office and I am thrilled. If grades go below a B for him, the plan is to unplug it. For my son, he is not allowed below an A or the TV goes. You can use the TV for motivation. Works for us. And yes, we do watch TV together as a family. Certain shows on the DVR.
I don't think this is the one you want to fight over. There are many bigger issues coming as she becomes a teenager.
Seriously your husband thinks
Seriously your husband thinks a judge cares whether his child has a tv in her room? Why would he even consider wasting the courts time on that? A judge will not order you to get a tv for the child.
Dad's house, dad's rules. If he does not want her to have a tv then don't get her one. If he wants her in bed by 10PM then she goes to bed.
Has anyone thought about
Has anyone thought about therapy for SD10? You mentioned that she lives with her grandmother. She only sees her Mom 4 days a month (every other weekend) and same with Dad. Must be kinda hard on her?
I think that "Dad's house/Dad's rules" is the way to go. I used to watch Nanny 911, and one of the 1st things she would do was to have a house meeting where rules and consequences were clearly established. Setting firm boundaries sounds even more important for your SD10, who has 2 other houses and 2 other sets of rules.
Finally, (I know this is long) you said that you believe that a TV is a privilege, why not let her earn it? Reward her for improving her behavior and attitude (even if you opt for something other than the tv)!
I like everything that lb1212
I like everything that lb1212 just said, I have to tell you that all five of my kids have a tv in their room and they would rather watch tv in the living room with us any day. But yep let her earn the tv.
This is a difficult one. She
This is a difficult one. She is 10 years old. I have no problem with the tv in her room,
but this child is disengaged. She will lose herself in her bedroom to escape the family while she is there on visitation. If it was me... I would say no. Not until she became much more engaged.
We had the same issue when my SD came to our house. As soon as you got a tv in her room, she would sit there for hours watching tv. Then it was the laptop at 17 yrs old.... hiding in her room online ALL DAY LONG. We had to finally sit her down and say.... we want to see you here in the living room at least 2 hours every evening. (The girl was coming to the dinner table to eat for 15 min and gone again.)
Back to her being 10 yrs old..... she had to go to bed by 10pm. She hated it, but it was enforced. We still couldn't drag her out of bed earlier than 10 am... but now at age 17, we can't get her up before noon or 1pm. Because now.... she is allowed to be online all hours, use her cell phone all hours, etc...
Just remember, whatever rules you lay down at 10 years old.... will dictate your ability to have reasonable rules when they are 17, 18 yrs old.
Our SD has bounced from her mothers to our house. At her mothers she would never keep her curfew. At our house, she KNEW she better not be more than one minute late. I laid down that law. When visiting her mother one evening she said... well I better go, I don't want to be late from my curfew. Her mother was furious. "Since when do you care about your curfew?" she stated...."Now." Its all about consistency and meaning what you say you mean.
I am wondering why your SD does not live with one of the parents?
Good luck.