SD17 had a temper tantrum and moved out.
DH and I have been together a bit more then a year, he has 1 kid, I don't have any.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.
I thought I had a good relationship with SD17. I was here a few months ago asking for advice on how to tell the kid I loved her.
2 weeks ago Monday everything was normal. Tuesday DH and I were at my parents house for a quick errand, and we get a text from SD17, she left our house and went to her Mothers. She wasn't planning to tell us, but BM made her send a text. She ran away, completely randomly.
We sent a few "whats going on" texts and emails, and DH got an acid laced hateful long reply from her.
She's pissed off for several reasons:
- DH and I have money to go out to eat, but not money to 'buy things for her'. [DH's child support payment is $1,000. per month. and we have 50% custody. He spends plenty of money "on her"]
- She heard us having sex, and feels that we need to only do that when shes at school or her mothers. [uhh... no. I'll have sex when I want to, thanks]
- She saw DH's cell phone back ground. (a sexy lady) and she thinks it's disgusting and he should change it.
- She thinks I've changed DH too much
- She thinks I've become involved in DH's and her life too quickly.
- She thinks I have too many issues and cause DH undue stress
And the best part - She thinks I TAKE ADVANTAGE of DH. (I'm currently not working, but my UI is a third of our income - SD17 thinks I just live off of him free.)
So basically the background is in short - She's a spoiled only child. DH provided "Daddy Disneyland" her whole life. (To the extent of literally waking up at 5am to make her breakfast, every morning, 7 days a week, from age 5 Kindergarten until he divorced BM last year)
We still do a LOT for her, but "Disneyland" has ended. And DH is starting to TAKE CONTROL, which SD17 hates. A lot.
We also suspect BM has gotten into SD17's ear, SD17 and I got along just fine until 2 weeks ago.
So.. Since then we've asked her to come talk to us, and work this out. She's put us off 4 times in 2 weeks. She ignored our custody time, and stayed at her mothers. Sunday this week came, DH waited till 3pm and called her, she made a lame excuse. He said he was disappointed, and said to think about it and call back in 2 hours.
She actually called back, and said she wanted to talk to Dad alone. DH said no, she made harsh and untrue accusations about me, she needs to be an adult and TALK to us about this stuff. She THREW A FIT. A royal temper tantrum! She screamed and cried, and threw "I'm your DAUGHTER, I'm BLOOD!" in his face. This was the first time her father really took control from her. SHE wanted to meet with him alone, HE wanted her to be an adult and talk to US TOGETHER so she could answer to the accusations she made. After 10 minutes of childish tirade, and she wasn't getting her way, she hung up on him.
Since she ignored us for 2 weeks, then threw a temper tantrum, DH said he was turning off her cell phone until such time that she comes around and talks to us.
This is an especially hard blow to SD17 because she has a long distance BF, and this week she is going with her mother to a family members home for Thanksgiving. The family member lives way up north in a very small town with no internet. The only link to the BF was through her phone. She'll be in blackout for 5 days.
This morning he turned the phone off, at about 4pm she barges into my house, with a friend. She literally packs up her room and leaves. She mutters to her father "I MIGHT talk to you in a week or two".
DH is devastated. He knows he did the right thing but feels shitty as hell. He really believed he wouldn't hear from her again for weeks or months or longer.
Well to shock both of us, she calls (from her mother's phone) an hour ago, at 11pm. She says calmly to her father "I'm not saying I don't want to talk to you, I'm saying I want to talk to you ONE ON ONE, ALONE." She woke DH out of a sound sleep and he says He'd consider it.
Another chip on the table is that she is visiting her boyfriend in Puerto Rico over Christmas Break. This trip is paid with my and DH's debit card, and we can cancel it.
DH and I fought BM hard on letting SD17 go. BM didn't think she was mature enough to handle it, DH and I thought she was. We convinced BM, and SD17 spent most of her money, (with $150 of DH and my money) to get her ticket.
After we fight so hard to prove SD17's maturity, she pulls a childish stunt like this.
I don't know here.
I'm too emotionally tied in, and can't rationalize to help DH make the best decision.
Do we let her talk to DH privately? He thinks she just wants to slander me where I can't defend myself. DH is very protective of me.
Should we threaten to pull the trip if she doesn't straighten this out with BOTH of us?
Should we grant her a conversation with her Dad, but tell her before the phone is given back or the trip commences she
HAS to talk to both of us to work this out?
This is so emotionally exhausting 
Advice? (A stiff drink?)
You need to cut her off
You need to cut her off completely. Phone, trip everything. When SD14 left, DH wouldn't let her take anything out of her room. She has been gone 8 months and I am planning on repainting the room over the break. She gets nothing...
[ FH! future husband?
[ FH! future husband? I've been trying to get the hang of the acronyms here for months lol. "DH" is actually a FH. We'll be getting married, but we aren't married yet. (We aren't divorced yet.. another long story.) ]
If this lasts into the new year, I won't hesitate to turn her room into a guest room.
It's irritating because when we moved into this house in July, SD17 and I worked HARD on her room. She wanted striped walls, and we pulled up the ugly carpet and laid down laminate floor.
Really, she and I got along just fine until 2 weeks ago. Thats why it hurts so much.
In SD17's defense, the relationship FH and I have has been "quick". He and I started seeing each other just before he left BM. But we've been living together just about a year now, and I've known SD17 since last January.
She and I hit it off wonderfully, she had said to me that she sees how happy I make FH and about 2 or 3 months ago, she said she didn't like living at her mothers and wanted to live full time with us.
I think she should be able to
I think she should be able to talk to her dad alone. DH can get the issues on the table and let her know that you and her will need to talk as well. She is acting like a teenager which is normal and dramatic.
But doesn't allowing her to
But doesn't allowing her to talk to FH alone give HER the power over the conversation?
She's been working on HER RULES for her whole life. It's gotta be time she works on HER DAD'S rules.
I don't want any authority
I don't want any authority over her. I want to be treated respectfully. I do tons of things for this girl (she even drives my car!)
I understand shes hurting and upset. But he's hardly "rammed me down her throat" - remember, she and I have lived together since January.
I only become involved in decisions about SD17, when those decisions involve my time, my money, etc.
I totally agree she needs time alone with her father, but in regards to this situation - it's a "HOUSEHOLD" issue. Therefore I really feel it needs to be discussed with the household.
The fact that she's "near adult" is exactly why I feel she needs to ACT like an adult and talk to ME about issues she has with ME.
I agree with everything you
I agree with everything you said, Maux.
I wonder what kind of teenagers some posters are raising when I read how they handle situations, really. I just shudder at the thought.
Voice of Dissention ...
Voice of Dissention ... almost
First I would like to say she is behaving like a snotty child. And in my world children do not have cell phones nopor do they qualify for a trip to another country (let alone street!) to see a boyfriend.
But.... her parents have been her one world for 15+ years. All through her childhood she was The One. No one else, just her. And then they decide to break up and her worl is turned upside down. Suddenly she doesn't have this 'Team SD' backing her up at every turn. And then you come on the set which makes things even less unfair. She has to adjust to a whole new set of rules.
FTR my s/sons at some time or another have said the same things about me.
I would actually encourage my Dh to mneet with his child on their own. They were on their own for 15+ years and let her have her chance. Let her voice her anger or frustrations. If your child was angry about their school teacher would you insist the teacher was there to defende themself?
The trick is, how will her father behave? Will he agree with her? Will he back you up always and without fault even if you are at fault? What would you want for your hypothetical child in the same situation? I get the fact that she may blast and complain about you. So what? If your DH has your back then what are you worried about?
See, they have had years of relationship. Yet you have had just over 1 yr. They communicate on X level and even her mother doesn't communicate with her the way her father does. So i would give her the time to sound off. But make sure your DH tells her she can have 1 b1tch-session every 2 years and this is it until Dec 2013. Everyone should be given the chance to let off steam.
What are you scared of happening if you are not there? When my s/sons let off steam or complained to me my DH always stood up for me. He then discussed their problems with me and we reached a compromise or laid down the law.
That being said, she doesn't get a phone paid by her father when she isn't even home. In my world if you want a cell phone it is time to get a job and pay for it yourself.
As for the trip to P/Rico. No. No. And No. And certainly not now. I mean if she cannot control her behaviour at home how will she manage in a confined space like a plane?
Rescind the money and she can wait until she is old enough to travel on her own.
You are up against a lifetime of programming. You can't undo it in a year. As for hearing you have sex.... how loud are you and how thin are the walls and does the girl have a stethescope? Being mindful of others in the house being able to hear is something you should consider. But then I trust you are not as loud as when she isn't there. However do you use the same carefree abandon when your parents are staying or an elderly aunt?
Basically, in that list there are a couple of things that really 'get' to her. The rest is all spam to hide her real fears, concerns.
My children feel the same way about their father. He met the woman in Feb, engaged by April (his M.O to a T. We were engaged after meeting 6 weeks beforehand)and married her by Oct. All in the same year. And my kids had their world turned upside down. 3 out of 4 of my children dispise her for alienating them from their father. They can never talk to him alone. She is always there. She also encouraged him to move to a distant part of the country far away from his children. They blame her and I point out that he is a grown up who can say no. But my daughters are so convinced their father is being slowly poisoned my her.
I would not accept her behaviour as an indication of maturity. But let her have her time with her father. One on One. And let him be the one to make the call on whether it is acceptable or not.
After all of that
"Stepchildren, particularly
"Stepchildren, particularly once they become teens and young adults, can create some major problems with their words. When they've had noone ever setting expectations for their behavior, they can use their words to lash out and intentionally create problems. Tolerating that "steam" is much different than listening to someone voice their hurts or concerns in a responsible fashion."
I had to stop reading here, I'll go back and finsih your post...but ..ummm, again, have you seen the "STEAM" that's let off on these boards?? Do we voice our concerns and hurts in a responsible fashion??? Please...It's human nature.
Yeah, I was wondering the
Yeah, I was wondering the same thing when I read that.
So, Overit2, are you suggesting that instead of letting off steam on these boards, we should let the SK's have it with everything we feel and want to say? Or am I not getting it right?
Ok-actually, the PROBLEM here
Ok-actually, the PROBLEM here is your DH...that conversation sounded like crap because he dealt w/it like crap....AND then he goes and TELLS you exactly what was said? Double crap, add more fuel/drama to that. He shoudl have gotten to the bottom of it, defended you and really spared YOU the ugly details. His role is to protect your feelings as well.
SD: "Daddy, I wish we could spend more time together. But I just can't stand SA."
DH: "Honey, that's ridiculous. She's never been anything but nice to you."
Why rather then say that's ridiculous-which minimizes her feelings and discounts it with the opposite of what she's feeling-doesn't he say...wow, sorry to hear that you feel that way, that hurts me, can you tell me WHY? I'd like to know why you feel the way you do so maybe we can talk about it. His immediate dismissal of her will only cause her to escalate, normal.
SD: "Bullshit dad, she's a total bitch and you know it."
DH: "Honey, I'm not going to listen to you talk about her like that."
Again-perfect opportunity. WHy not say I won't allow you to say a disrespectful word like that about the woman I love-but again daughter, I don't know why you think that...so TELL Me, give me examples, let's discuss it. If you can't tell me why you feel this way I can't help you have a better relationship with us all, and that's what I really want, and probably what you want and what your SM wants also.
SD: "Well it's true. I hate her and I always will. She's a wicked cow and I don't know why you ever married her."
DH: "I married her because I love her and I love you. I wish you would at least think about coming over. DS and DD miss you. And if anyone has been treated poorly, it's been SA. You've been rude to her for years."
Again-WHY do you hate her? Why is she wicked? what causes you to feel this way? I love her and you and want us to work through things, but I need to know what's causing this hatred. Maybe if I knew what bothers you I could explain or show you how she really isn't who you think she is, after all I married her and know her well-I promise you she isn't those things. So go, shoot, what is it?
SD: "She's deserved everything I've ever done to her. I miss DS and DD. But I'll give up my relationship with them and with you before I'll step foot in that bitch's house again. She can kiss my ass and I don't care if you tell her I said that either."
Personally I don't think it would have gotten to that last statement had he dug further...but he went for dismissal and didn't even really try to get a real answer. If she didn't have a real answer then he could say that to them as well-but I doubt there is no underlying reason (which may have NOTHING to do with you at all).
Look-I have kids, they spout off, and I also know that when I dig above the surface of their spouting -I DO get to the truth of the matter and can much better deal with it. I don't ignore or discount their feelings, even if they are blown out of proportion. It helps me listen to them, and then share my pov and try to help them overcome whatever issue it is they have with me or somebody else. It's called parenting. Not only siding w/the wife. That IMO is how you try to bridge the relationship.
Not by dismissing your kids in your life because they don't respect the new wife, not by discounting their feelings, OR your wives feelings. There should be a certain level of trust between parents/child AND wife/husband. AND a time to know what to share and not, honestly from the sounds of it your DH hasn't really helped facilitate a good relationship with you guys. He's failed you and them. That's what it seem from outside though.
Ok, she's 17, is she a kid or
Ok, she's 17, is she a kid or an adult or both, which is it? She's ALMOST an adult...she'll starting spouting off like one..not to mention how teens spout off. GROWN WOMEN spout off ALL the time, right here, every day. It's HUMAN-not an adult/child/teen thing really.
So are you saying that the women here who spout off and talk smack are those same teens that didn't learn how to control their venting?
Maux, you won't get it, we
Maux, you won't get it, we are worlds apart-no sense in explaining...glad to see you do so well with your son though who obviously never had anything bad to say about anyone.....but somehow succesfully alienate your FH from his kids, who have I'm sure NO reason at ALL EVER to NOT like wonderful, loving caring you.
You haven't heard of spouting off? Ok..not a hillbilly term but you just showed your knowledge AND maturity.
Apparently you seem to think you and your dh have absolutely zero responsibility or accountability for the relationship you both now do not have w/his kids. All their fault-every bit of it. I've never seen such arrogance honestly.
Well, I don't get it either.
Well, I don't get it either. And honestly? Your SD is too young for you to even have to deal with this shit yet, so you have no clue, and no experience. So why do you think you are an authority on this?
I'm talking about an adult
I'm talking about an adult having as much right to vent as a teen/almost adult does. I DO have authority to speak about parenting...I don't need 17 years to give my opinion. I have two children I've raised on my own 9 and 11, still young, but this is when you learn to deal w/their feelings. I've had her around a year, I"M SURE there will be a LOT more to come.
I still think that kids SHOULD be listened to, acknolwedged and questioned to get to the root of their issues. And it starts young.
I guarantee if the dad addressed the girls list of issues one by one to get answers-he'll probably find that her problem is not so much to do w/the new wife, but what she represents. And THEN he tackles that beast.
Pawn off your kids on therapists..please!
A conversation about why you divorce doesn't happen once, it happens again and again, you listen to your kids, you let them vent, and say their peace. This is NEW to the teen. If you show them respect as human beings and not just kids who should get over it, deal with it, shut up and be seen and not heard-it's likely they will respect you.
That's the sentiment I get from some of you sm's: Hey most kids go through divorce, what makes you so special, I"M the bitch in control now, if you don't like it go to hell. And then I'll get your dad on my side since I'M his number one and biggest and best priority-fuck you skids!
Don't TELL me that doesn't exist on this site!
It really boils down to parenting choices-both the authoritarian and permissive parent will fail. The authoritative will most likely succeed. It seems only a few here grasp the authoritative concept..both them and their dh's.
NObody ever said to allow
NObody ever said to allow them to insult or curse-in fact I already mentioned that repeatedly-venting, letting of steam, talking about what's bothering you, THAT is what I"m talking about. WHen a kid starts in cussing, you stop them and ask them WHY they feel this way...not that they CAN SPEAK this way.
You tell them that disrespect isn't allowed but that you do want to know WHY they feel this way and how you can address the underlying concerns. WHat are the real concerns? When you want to say she's a "B" ...give me examples..and let me explain to you why you are wrong.
Telling a kid to shut up and not say anything is fine-they just bottle it inside and it keeps seething out-like what seems very much to be happening. Why? Because the parents aren't getting to the bottom of things and think the kids shoudl just cope w/whatever they are feeling and shut up.
Do you not know the difference? It's like Im saying one thing and you're hearing exactly what you WANT to think I'm saying. Translates well into the "not listening" category perfectly actually. No wonder.
That said, seriously...it's like we're saying that nobody here is capable of ever behaving like some of the things the kids might think of us...if that's the case that you are blameless and loving and all understanding and full of grace, you are either a saint, lying or way to full of yourself.
Call it what you will. I am
Call it what you will. I am the BM of high achieving, respectful teenagers who I have raised to behave like thinking human beings instead of raging spider monkeys. My BK's have dealt with their BD abandoning them for the last 4 years, and I would JACK THEIR SHIT UP if they spoke disrespectfully about him or to him while they are still under my roof.
You know why? Because they have been raised to have some measure of class. If they don't like what he has done, they can voice their opinions, but it will be done in a mature way that doesn't encourage them to look and sound like asses who have been raised by feral cats.
I daresay you will find few parents more authoritative than me, and while you want to talk your blended family spiel, that road runs both ways. I will be damned if I accept behavior from my SK's that I would not accept from my own. YOu have such a double standard that it is unbelievable. On one hand, you post that SK's should be included in everything, because we are faaammmillly, but on the other hand you think SK's should get special treatment. YOu have kids that aren't even teenagers yet. You have no F'ing CLUE what you are talking about. 9 and 11 is a whole other ANIMAL from a teenager, I assure you.
Oh, and let me just mention I
Oh, and let me just mention I luuuuv interviewing these immature, spoiled "children" who have grown up with the permissive ass parenting as a potential hire.
Don't for a minute think that their entitlement issues with saying what they want, when they want, doesn't extend to the workplace. THey have no boundaries, becuse their idiot parents never put any in place, and they can't function under ANY authority at all.
VERY WELL SAID AGGRAVATED!!!!
VERY WELL SAID AGGRAVATED!!!!
I was a teenager I had a
I was a teenager
I had a younger brother teenager, I have a niece teenager, I'm around teenagers in my neighborhood daily. I deal with them a lot. Several of my dear friends have teenagers. I DO know that teenagers are a different animal-hence why I even mentioned that, several times in fact I think.
OH wait-because I don't have a teenager yet I have no right to give my opinion on teenagers or dealing with communication issues..or maybe sm's who don't have kids shouldn't give an opinion on how to raise kids..after all babysitting or having a sibling gives them NO right to have an opinion on raising kids, right? right? Oh...wrong
I know an astronaut, that
I know an astronaut, that doesn't mean I can fly the f'ing space shuttle. And no, once again, you have no clue.
So again, by that definition
So again, by that definition you are saying that unless you are a parent you have no right to an opinion on parenting or raising kids. Did I read that correctly?
If I parent teens I can't have an opinion on infants/toddlers because that was WAY in the past, maybe to far back to remember. If I have young skids or kids I can't have an opinion on teenage kids communication or older adult kids communication.
If that's the case you should shut everyones opinion on this board down. After all, we have sm's who have NO kids talking about how kids should be raised...or that have no relationship by their own admition with their skids-even for years but still come to this board for some unknown reason to give advice to others on how to step-parent succesfully (hint-yourself). Am I wrong? YOu don't get to dictate what people know or don't know or have an opinion on when it comes to anything aggravated. Just seems to me you again are intent on controlling everyone and everything said around you, just like at your home! Sounds to me you're the one that has no clue, about a lot of things.
That said, just like you do on about every thread, you have managed to suck me in to your fights and drama. You do that over and over again to posters you don't agree with-turning the thread bad and the focus becomes YOU and your little fight with whomever you want to unleash your misplaced anger-yet again. You must love the attention. I even called it out earlier. You are the one that stirs the pot all the time. I was trying to address my opinion and you fledged your full on 'you don't know shit' attack. You are repeat offender of this. I was the stupid one that fell for it this time-but that's how it works-you get sucked in. Clever and manipulative. There's no reason to address you further. You are the EPITOME of a narcissistic, controlling person, I feel pity for you and those around you and I feel like taking a shower to wash off the bad vibe just from interacting with you. YUCK!
WTF ever. In case you haven't
WTF ever. In case you haven't noticed, the only people that seem to have a problem with me are you and your BFF Luvthemall. That ought to tell you something, but I doubt you do much self-evaluation, so of course it can't be YOUR fault. Luckily, I don't give a damn. If you don't like my opinion, tough.
OMG and WHO enabled your
OMG and WHO enabled your skids to speak that way about you? Answer is staring in your face on a daily basis. Your DH. ANd again, repeating those vile things TO you that they said? Who does that, really?
Over and over I say kids are allowed to feel what they want, everyone is entitled to their feelings. THey also should be able to vent w/their parent if they are bothered, not curse. And if they are cursing, you stop them, tell them it's not acceptable but that you DO want concrete examples so you can address them and get to the bottom of things.
A child should still have the absolute right to speak to their parent in private, with out the other parent or stepparent demanding they be there too. Many times their underlying anger has NOTHING to do with YOU-foreign concept, I know. And who knows maybe under the smack talk they have legitimate reasons-or at least legitimate reasons to THEM about why they feel the way they do about you-and if dad knows how to communicate he probably WILL find out the reasons.. Again, probably a foreign concept since everyone is so wonderful and blameless around here.
And for all the talk about how vile talk shoudln't be allowed, encouraged or supported-I sure see that a lot around here.
I guess cyber world and other grown women encouraging spouting is just "different".
Everyone can say after the
Everyone can say after the fact what should have been done differently. In our case, we have tried every tactic possible, but when someone decides to HATE, there is no changing them. And at some point, it becomes very damaging to their birth parent and the stepparent it is aimed at.
Take my DH for instance. He likes to bury his head in the sand. He wimps out at any confrontation with the ex or his kids. I can't send him into battle for me, or expect him to stand up for me, it is just not in his genetic makeup. So, in order to keep the peace at home, since he can't "man up", then he can deal with it with me present. The SK's usually don't have shit to say when the person they are putting down is in the room. And the one time SS did, I set him real straight.
So I guess you man up for
So I guess you man up for him, so you do own his balls? You're the one saying he obviously wimps out, with his ex, his kids AND with you so you fight his battles for him. Common denominators anyone? THe dh's it seems.
It's like all these cowardly men are finding these overly controlling women to manhandle them and what shoudl be their bsns to handle. I guess that's what makes people find eachother though.
No, I don't man up for him. I
No, I don't man up for him. I don't have to. I just insist that I be there so when they start spewing their shit, they do it to the one they have the problem with, and not want their dad to be the go-between. It's really a simple concept, but someone with no spine like you wouldn't understand that.
Obviously, your man likes namby-pamby weaklings who like to eat SK's shit with a spoon, and lay down like a doormat. Is that what YOU have to do to hang on to YOUR man? Tsk, tsk. Well, I guess that's how SOME people find each other, ya know?
Your post is called
Your post is called projection, I dealt with that a lot, from my exh...I know how it's supposed to work. Basically you just contradicted yourself, entirely. I'm not the one that mentioned how bf or I deal with my own scenarios, YOU did. You're going back on what you just said about your wimpy husband?
Neither him or I are wimps-we both deal with problems head on. I learned a lot about being assertive and having a spine and not allowing to be walked over from a bad marriage-learned that lesson years ago-so no, you would be wrong. I stand up to my fsd's behavior just as I do with mine. YES, because we are not married and I happen to know my place in their lives, and it's been a year, I'm not about to jump to discipline her like I do mine from the getgo. He does the main discipline with his D, and I do it with mine. We back eachother up though and speak up when we need to. No namby pamby for us. BUT our role NOW is to gain their trust, their respect, to learn to like eachother and about eachother-and deal with our differences.
I am not in this rush to be her other parent, it's NOT my place. Are you saying just because I'm a gf I should? You just described your weak husband's inability to communicate and how you had to do it for him-so, how is this about ME? It's not. Your colors are showing.
If it doesn't bother you, why
If it doesn't bother you, why such a lengthy explanation? Sigh. I have several years, and more experience on you, so let's just say I have a pretty good idea of what I am talking about. But you will learn, young Jedi.
Wimpy husband, LOL. Next you will say my kids are ugly.
Some posters want him to
Some posters want him to speak to his daughter alone because they would do anything to throw a SM under the bus, even if it meets giving atrocious advice about something they probably have no experience with. That's my opinion.
I'm not arguing with you. You
I'm not arguing with you. You are so not worth it. I purposely did not respond directly to you, or name names on this post to avoid confrontation, and you rsponded to my opinion, and yes, I said opinion, with a smart ass answer. Oh, and flagged me for disagreeing.
So yes, I think you are crazy. Yes, I think you are a shit stirrer. Yes, I think you give shitty advice. I am just sane enough not to try to call you out on someones blog when you and I don't agree by not responding to you DIRECTLY. It's called class, try and get some.
Aggravated1 "Like"
Aggravated1
"Like"
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying, Step. if the SD wants to talk to her dad, that would be one thing. After the way she behaved, and her list of "issues" that were mostly all about the SM, I find it very hard to believe she just wants to have a loving father-daughter discussion.
At the very least, she owes her SM and her Dad an apology, and she should give them one before ANYTHING is discussed with her.
Friggin A man- can everyone
Friggin A man- can everyone just try and NOT make it about them and create a cat/drama fight just because you don't agree w/someone...it gets ridiculous old.
I mean, disagree...move on, quit attacking! Coming off as narcissists.
OP-you have and will always have different opinions on how to handle this. I'd say it's her dads place to decide really. In this case, because it's a relatively new relationship and it was quick and you might be seen as the other woman, and based on teenagers in general..I'd let her talk to her dad alone IF you know he'll have your back. And THEN he can request after she's calmed down that she discuss w/both of you before the trip or phone is turned back on. BUT let her have her alone time and open up about what's bothering her. He can defend you-or listen to what she's saying and calm her fears
Sure-thhe new relationship is important but so is his daughter-she's screaming (although w/a tantrum) for some alone time to talk to her father. NOTHING wrong with that. Teenagers ARE dramatic. They do crazy stuff. Some are more mellow then others. But it's not abnormal to throw a fit or pack up and go. Part of them learning to cope w/their feelings, their new independence and desire for freedom, learning about life. MUCH patience required.
I do know this board is notorious for negating any ill effects from divorce, from the other woman, or a brand new SM.. on kids who should just GET OVER IT already...but that I will say pisses me off to no end...it DOES. Perhaps not to the extent a parent should become a coddler or guilty parent but it DOES affect kids, particularly teens. There are thousands of artciles online if you search about it on how it affects their behavior, agression, etc.
I must say IMO one of the worst ages for a divorce/new relationship has got to be the teenage years. Keep that in mind.
Even in two parent homes there are times a child wants to speak to mom or dad alone, they shoudl have that right. They have a right to be angry, vent, let it out and resent you. That's pretty normal teenager stuff. IF she gets out of hand and disrespectful he can calm her down and she should not be allowed to speak to you that way.
That said, come on now...we have this site for ladies to come vent, let off steam, cuss, ridicule, rant and rave about bm's and skids...why? Because if we do it here you don't have to do it to the skids right? Is that actually healthier then going to your spouse and letting your feelings rip? Are we saying that because she is 17 she is not allowed to feel about her SM the way she does? Are only our feelings NOT to be negated, allowed to surface or discussed? Double standard.
THAT is just my opinion...the op can go w/her gut. BUT ...I've been around my kids longer then my bf..>I trust that if they are upset w/him and need to vent to me alone I probably WOULD allow it. You can't expect for kids to adjust to a whole new world after 17yrs AND being a teenager just because we want them to. You have to be patient and let the relationship develop over time..and if you DO try and force yourself, your authority, your presence...it's VERY likely to go wrong. I've seen that time and time again. On these board AND in real life.
"Friggin A man- can everyone
"Friggin A man- can everyone just try and NOT make it about them and create a cat/drama fight just because you don't agree w/someone...it gets ridiculous old.
I mean, disagree...move on, quit attacking! Coming off as narcissists."
oh my gosh thank you so much for saying this!I haven't been here long but i'm sick of the backbiting and picking at one another!!I tried to get through this thread to weight everyone's opinion but ended up just shaking my head over everything that was said.
Obviously you didn't read the
Obviously you didn't read the rest of her posts.
i did read them as well as
i did read them as well as the rest of them.i never said i agreed with everything she said.but i do agree with the part that i put in quotes.
Oh, I agree with that also.
Oh, I agree with that also. She just gave that little speech and didn't take her own advice, that is the point I am making.
got it:)i can agree with that
got it:)i can agree with that
it is hard to ignore someone
it is hard to ignore someone who is attacking and degrading you.i'm going through that struggle with BM right now and i'm at that fork in the road where it's like 'do i choose to ignore her or should i engage and defend myself?'
i guess the same thing happens here.it's sad:(
If/when you find out what is
If/when you find out what is wrong with your SD, please let me know.
My SD is also 17 and has not talked to either of us since Father's Day.
She says nothing is wrong and that she is busy. I understand that she is a single mother trying to finish high school but still...
I would LOVE for her to talk to her dad, even if I wasn't there. I don't care if she hates me (which she always seemed to really LIKE me!) but she NEEDS to have a relationship with her father...
Especially now with a grandchild in the mix..
Nope, she is a kid, you are
Nope, she is a kid, you are DHs wife and she gets only what he (and you) say she gets. She has to talk to the both of you.
PERIOD!
Even when she turns 18 she will still be his child and does not get to dictate the relationship.
I think it is time to pull the plug on any financial contribution with the exception of CS. SD needs to understand that $1000/mo in CS is paid to BM for support of SD and if SD feels like that is nothing, then she will learn what nothing really is in another few months when CS stops. Until then she gets nothing but the CS.
As for a 17yo being responsible enough for a trip to see her BF in Puerto Rico ..... most are not. Natalee Holloway was a college bound, honor student, recent HS graduate who could not even handle a class trip to Aruba with a group of people including adults and lacked adequate judgment to not end up dead.
No child of mine (especially a teen daughter) would go to a Latin American country, or any third world country for that matter, alone, unsupervised, etc..... And I grew up in an under developed country and flew internationally alone from the age of 15 on. But, that was with parents on one end of the trip and either grandparents or a boarding school on the other.
I have no doubt that if I had been a female I would been in some situations that I would not have easily gotten out of. It helps when you are getting stupid with a few other cocky teen boys who are athletic and BIG. If I had not been with friends I very well may have not returned safely from a few of my stupider international adventures as a teen.
Your SD's recent behavior and judgment is proof positive that she does not have the maturity for and has no business taking an unsupervised visit to Puerto Rico to visit her BF.
I am just saying.
Rags I LOVE your posts and I
Rags I LOVE your posts and I so agree with everything you just said! This girl is proving that she can not handle this trip with her resent behavior. Plus she should NOT be allowed to call any shots when it comes to dads relation ships PERIOD! She needs to know that they are a team which means she has to accept the fact that op is here to stay! That means that in a situation like this yes SM should be there! I understand in some situations the sm should step back and let dad have some time with his kids but this is not one of them. This kid has accused her of things and she should be there.
OP your dh is stepping up let him do it. This will set the stage for the rest of her life!
Ok so.. "The Talk" was
Ok so.. "The Talk" was tonight.
DH spoke to SD17 privately, he met her in a neutral location.
In short.. she doesn't hate her father, but she does hate me.
She thinks I'm a 'know it all', and that my relationship with DH has moved too fast, and that I don't 'express my opinions correctly', She doesn't have enough alone time with her dad, and shes ticked off he doesn't (can't) spoil her anymore.
The sex thing was that one morning before she left for school (she was late leaving for school) - she heard us. We thought she was gone already. We tried really hard to be discrete.
Some of her concerns were bogus, but some were valid.
And she refuses to even give me a chance to work it out and try to fix stuff. She legitimately moved out and wants to live with her mother.
She doesn't want to see me, she wants visitation with him only... Specifically she wants him to take her out to supper every few weeks.
I feel badly that my wanting to HELP her came off wrongly, but I'm so upset and irritated that she waited until this stuff was an ENORMOUS ISSUE, instead of talking to me as these things happened.
She gave me absolutely no chance, and threw her Dad away in the process.
I'm tempted to send her a (polite) email asking her to give me a shot at trying to address her issues...
This has a high probability of being completely ignored though.
Thanks for the advice guys.... Apparently this was a pretty hot topic, I posted on 2 forums, and got flamed on both of them.
I think emailing her would be
I think emailing her would be a mistake. There's a good chance something in it will be taken negatively. Trust me, you can put a negative spin on just about anything. And if she can't, she'll just wait for another opportunity to do so later on.
Don't feel bad. As long as dh knows you tried you are ok.
Besides, just having to try to get someone to like you and constantly go out of you way for ingrates really sucks. You should be dancing for joy lol have your freedom now
And best of all, you did nothing wrong! Dh can't blame you.
Allowing her to have the LD
Allowing her to have the LD boyfriend wasn't my call. Allowing her to visit.. well.
This guy has been here to see her twice, the first time his entire family visited. We met his parents, siblings, aunt, uncle and cousins. They're a very good family, and he is a respectable boy.
However. All respectable boys are hormonal.
I don't disagree she's been spoiled - but I've only been in the picture a year or so. I tried to get her to grow up... obviously this has been met with disastrous results. When I originally came to this forum only 3 or 4 months ago, SD17 and I got along just fine. In the last 3 weeks, I have joined the ranks of the hated stepmothers.
So, she lives with Mom, I don't even know if she'll visit us, I turn her room into a guest bedroom. DH and I move on and enjoy a child free home.
That is until this kid crawls back because she wants something. Thats inevitable.