Only Child Syndrome.
Hello!
I'm new to the forum and had a few concerns in different areas so I'm starting two threads.
For some background info:
I'm dating a man with a 17 year old daughter. He and I aren't married yet (mainly because neither of us are divorced yet).
** I'm 29, DH (D-BF?) is 46. I am closer in age to SD then I am to DH.
** I am not a parent. I have never raised kids.
(I'm trying to get a hang of your lingo/acronyms. There isn't a marriage yet so she isn't a stepdaughter, but I'll use the acronyms for ease of communication)
The SD is an only child, shes going into her Senior year of highschool. She isn't a "bad kid", No drugs, no booze, no staying out late, she doesn't cut classes, etc. She IS however, spoiled.
I'm at a loss of how to handle even HAVING a SD. I care about her a lot, and really she is for the most part a good kid (despite the future venting posts I'll make in the coming days)
She doesn't get along well with her mother, and she and I get along really well. (She asked me to take me school shopping for clothes on her mothers dime.. I was really surprised.. DH wasn't - SD hated going school shopping with her BM apparently, it was always an argument)
Anyhow.. Adjusting to not only having a kid in your life when I've never been a parent, but then having the kid be a TEENAGER. I've joked I skipped all those diaper, learning to walk, skinned knees, bicycle riding years and went right to driver licenses and college bills.
Joking aside, it's a tough transition! I have all the "responsibility" and no real "authority".
DH wants me to be involved in the 'raising' of SD, while she is at our house. He doesn't want this silent partner business. She is HIS kid, but it is OUR house.
Other people don't understand, when I vent about certain issues we're having with SD they tell me "she isn't your kid, don't worry about it".
I care about the girl, of course I worry about it!
I have to say DH is EXTREMELY supportive, and urged me to find some other "stepparents" to talk to.
No, shes pretty much done
No, shes pretty much done being "raised" (hence "raised" being in quotes
)
But in actuality, she already IS coming to me for parental-type issues. Such as taking her school shopping. She asks my advice on lots of things.
With brevity, the issues are:
* She's allowed to miss school for "Vacation" (when her boyfriend visits etc)
* She rarely says thank you. She has expectations, and entitlement issues.
* She's lazy. She only puts the amount of effort in as absolutely necessary.
-she slides through school
-her "part time job" over the summer was a joke
-she doesn't do housework here
* She has bad decision making skills, and planning skills. Shes very disorganized.
I can understand the viewpoint of being like "who the fuck is this lady and whys she telling me what to do?"..
But with my SF I always got annoyed when I would ask permission for something and his answer was always "go ask your mom".
Oyyee I'm tired, hopefully the above makes sense, if not, I apologize! lol
LOL Actually no, I see your
LOL Actually no, I see your point about risque clothes though.
We went to Fashion Bug for jeans
She had been trying to squeeze into juniors sizes for a bit longer then she should have. Poor girl went from a Jr's 17 to a 18W.
She said shopping with me was just a more pleasant shopping experience. We threw in some financial lessons too. She didn't want to look at price tags until the end. I let her do it her way. She had $200 from her BM, and Fashion Bug had a buy 1 get 1 half off sale.
The jeans she really liked were $36.(Zana Di's.. they have this bedazzling on them... when the heck did that come back in style?)
She did end up getting 4 pairs for $87. 2 of the expensive pairs and 2 cheaper pairs on sale. But she was a bit surprised, thats half of her clothes budget!
Well, sounds like the girl is
Well, sounds like the girl is already raised, so now will come the "maintenance" part of the household. The fact that you and Significant Other (SO) are so far apart in age and most likely SO's EW is closer to his age than yours, there will be A LOT more drama for you to deal with, but i imagine it will be more on the EW's end than the SD's.
The best piece of advice I can give you, coming from someone who is married to a man 11 years older than she is - Expect the worst and hope for the best. Older SK's can be just as finicky as the little ones. It's all in how the EW handles the divorce and what trash is talked and what SD hears and believes.
Joking aside, it's a tough
Joking aside, it's a tough transition! I have all the "responsibility" and no real "authority".
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To me this was the statement that defined the whole post...it will likely always be this way. It is a decision of whether you are ok dealing with that or not. My BF daughter lives with us full time. She is not BM's only child but she is BF only child. She has the "Princess" syndrome bad. She has no rules, boundaries, or discipline. I am expected to care for her but I have no part in "raising" her other than that. I know that things are never going to change except that as she gets older it is going to be worse...I know this and I still stick around because of my love for BF. BM has a very minute roll in BF daughter's life so I don't have the "baby mama" drama that most everone else has on here...thank goodness for that. If I did, I don't think I would be able to deal with it all. Good Luck to you...