SD17 Abortion Secret
Hello Everyone!
This is my first visit to this forum. Be prepared for a long story. 
I thought I should get some advice before breaking the bad news to my fiance. 
Here's the background story and then I have a few questions for you.
This week my SD was doing laundry and left her clean towels on the sofa so I went to her bedroom to put them on her bed. She had her travel bag on her bed (which I looked through since she takes things and doesn't return them)and found this slip of paper. I opened it and it was After Abortion Procedures.
So I made a copy of the sheet and put it back in her bag. To confirm my finding I went into her room the next morning and found prescription drugs in her name in another bag. What is strange to me is, if this is a secret why is SD leaving things for someone to find?
So this weekend I'm going to talk with fiance and let him know what I found.
I want to make it a discussion and let him know we need to support SD. But I don't think it will start out that way. What would you do if you found out your bio-daughter had an abortion? Or you had to tell her father what you found out?
To give you a little back history SD has always struggled with her parents divorce, acting out, etc...
I feel she has lost her way and never has completed or found something she is good at except for getting in trouble. A few months ago she was caught shoplifting. Before that she was saying she was spending the night with a friend but spent the night with a boy.
I really feel about 2 weeks ago she was crying out to us when she told her dad she felt like she can not talk to him. SD told us that she feels all the trouble she has gotten herself into probably would have been avoided if she felt comfortable talking to her parents.
I also have this odd feeling her mom knows but dad doesn't. The reason I say this is, SD told us she had to go to the doctor because she had a cyst burst. I don't think this is true because I asked SD the other day if she could go back to her gyno to get checked out since she is tired all the time, her hair is falling out and she said she didn't go to a gyno for that. I asked SD who she went to and she said she went to her regular doctor. I thought to myself you would go to a gyno for a burst cyst. And how would any doctor know you had a cyst that burst if they didn't exam you?
I'm concerned about what fiance will think or do.
I'm going to ask him not to tell SD that I found the information.
I don't think she will forgive me for telling her dad and will treat me differently.
Right now I'm someone she can talk to but she knows I tell her dad everything if it's a concern.
Thoughts, suggestions, recommendations? Thanks in advance!
I'm putting myself in this
I'm putting myself in this girl's position, so sorry if this sounds somewhat devil's advocate-ish, BUT
Why does dad really need to know? She is probably hurting emotionally, and you say you're able to see physical evidence of her recovery. She does not feel comfortable talking to her dad in the first place, so why force her to talk to him about something that is undoubtably traumatic to her? I'm sure she looked at her options and chose what would ensure her the best possible outcome. The "16 and Pregnant" crowd may glamorise teen pregnancy/parenthood, but the reality is much harsher than MTV makes it out to be. Frankly, I think at her age, she made the right choice. If she had told her dad, would he have pressured her into keeping the baby?
You say she trusts you; right now that bond could be more important to her than you know. I would suggest you approach her yourself and let her know what you found (by "accident," of course), and let her know that if she wants to talk, you'll be there to listen. Maybe also let her know that if she thinks she may need to talk to a third party (i.e. therapist), you could help her arrange for that as well. If dad asks at that point, all he really needs to know is she's having trouble coping with some personal emotions/issues.
I'm sure some day, dad will find out, but I really think that some day should be a day of SD's choosing.
I agree completely with this.
I agree completely with this. It is not going to make the situation better to make her more uncomfortable by making everyone sit down and talk about it. Talk to her yourself if you think she would be comfortable confiding in you.
Yeah. I would not say. My
Yeah. I would not say. My step got pregnant and told me, not her bios, and had an abortion. She was on 3 month hormone shot; she had him checked for STD's. She did a lot of responsible things and she made some mistakes too. She had made up her mind when she told me. She was 17. I thought about it for a few days, then decided I would not tell. Mom would have been so sad and laid a guilt trip on her. Dad would just have been hurt by it. Neither could have changed her mind. All I would have done, was spread some pain.
I understand your point but I
I understand your point but I don't feel good about keeping this from her dad.
What do you mean that I said I see "physical evidence of her recovery?"
I've been trying to get her parents to take her to the doctor because her hair is falling out, she sleeps all the time and doesn't eat well.
I guess I should say, I'm someone SD can talk to when she needs advice on certain things.
If she wants to ask her parents something she will run it across me sometimes. But shoplifting, abortion, lying. These are things she won't confess to me.
I was meaning the hair
I was meaning the hair falling out, constantly tired, etc. As others have pointed out, this could also be a completely different medical issue or depression. I've had 2 major medical proceedures in my life; after both, my hair fell out.
first off, I'm sure your jaw
first off, I'm sure your jaw dropped when you found this information....
I think I would address it with your sd first. Tell your sd you put the towels on her bed and found this note... You were really concerned that she might need someone to talk about it, and that you are concerned that she is recovering okay...
I wouldn't even bring bd up in the discussion. See if she will open up to you first. If she does then you maybe able to help find a way to address the issue together with her dad.
It sounds like she may need a friend to help her deal with some serious issues...
If you don't think her dad will take the news well, its probably best to ease him into things, but make sure your sd has all her psychological issues regarding an abortion taken care of first.. Before she has to face the firing squad, called her dad. Depression is something she maybe dealing with, if not then maybe she doesn't see it is a truly big deal, then u should think of something other wise she may just keep having abortions, unprotected sex because there is a way out ....
I agree you should talk to
I agree you should talk to her first, but you have to tell him soon, if it comes out that you knew about this and didn't tell your husband, he may never forgive you. Yes your relationship with this child is important but she is 17 and almost an adult, and she is making adult deciscions obviously. Your relationship with your husband needs to last because thats the one that will continue.
Dad doesn't need to know...He
Dad doesn't need to know...He will never look at her the same way again. Do not tell him. It is for her to tell him. Not you. Way overstepping here.
If she wanted to talk to you she would about this. Let this one alone.
As for the hair falling out, still encourage her to see a doctor. But, it is probably the stress she has been under and poor nutrition.
I"m a step-mom and a BM. If
I"m a step-mom and a BM. If my DH found out my daughter had an abortion and didn't tell me, I would be furious at him. IMO I think you should talk to SD when DH isn't around. Tell her you support her and that her dad needs to know. Offer to tell dad for her. Then you talk to her husband. Tell him that yelling will NOT help the situation. After you tell DH, he should go and talk to her. He should offer support and knowledge. You can't change what happened. However you can make sure she's fully protected in the event she has sex again. DH should say something like "SM had a talk with me. How are you doing? Although I want you to wait, I think we should get you some things to protect yourself." Be calm.
It's that fine line of support and yet letting her know this isn't the appropriate behavior.
Do not tell her dad. Talk to
Do not tell her dad. Talk to HER about it if you feel you must. Maybe she needs support from someone but ratting her out is going to be really bad for everyone. Talk to her about it and give HER the opportunity to tell her father. You can always tell her "I need to let your dad know but I think he'd rather hear it from you. Would you like me to be in the room when you speak with him?" This is really sad. For everyone involved.
i hope this turned out well
i hope this turned out well for you all.