Do I Need To But Out?
OK, so SD17 has a history of lying, shoplifting, abortion, all of the above. I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. Thankfully she is now in therapy with her parents. This morning I had a gut feeling that she was not where she should be, that she was with her boyfriend that got her pregnant. She is not allowed to see him. SD asked to spend the night for the second day in a row over a friend's house. Call it mother's intuition but this is why I brought up my concerns this morning.
Friday night her friend was going to spend the night. When her two friends came over they decided to spend the night at one of the other girl's homes. So hubby called the girl's parents to make sure that was the plan, which it was.
So Saturday SD asks if the same friend can come over to practice their music.
Friend came over and then SD decided to ask dad if she could spend the night with this friend.
I didn't say anything. So this morning when I got up I told him I had a bad feeling about SD. So hubby called SD and her phone was turned off. I asked if he confirmed the plan with the parents, he said no. Then I sensed he is getting mad. I told him I felt he was getting mad at me. I told him I was concerned and it's best to be cautious. Hubby told me I need to think positive and not bring up the negative. I told him that's not what I felt I was doing. He said that he knows SD has a history of lying but give her the benefit of the doubt. I guess hubby feels that I should not remind him of what he already knows. Is that a guy thing, ego thing? I told him this has nothing to do with your parenting or you. I said this because any time I bring up SD behavior he thinks it's a reflectionon him, that he is a "bad parent." I also told him that it will take me some time to trust SD again, that someone who lies on a daily basis may not stop lying overnight. I left the room so hubby could cool off.
Later I said that I sense that he wants me to stay out. Hubby said that might be a good idea. He said he doesn't understand why I brought it up. I told him that all I was doing was expressing my concerns and feelings. Now I am hurt and mad because I should be able to talk to him. So do I need to but out for good? My first feeling is I live here too. Do I not have a say? Maybe I should think of it this way, I have a say in this house but not these particular situations when it comes to SD. SD and I are not close at all. She has never wanted to be and that is understandable.
Thanks in advance for your advice/input. 
I think and believe that if
I think and believe that if someone has broken your trust then it is up to them to earn it back. So your DH should be chasing his daughter down to check on her until she has proven for 12 mths she is trustworthy again.
My DD was a helion for a couple of years. Got pregnant @ 18, moved out over my dying body and in with her bf and his enabling parents, moved in with bf to an apartment, supported him as he took part time jobs while she worked full time and expected her to walk home while VERY pregnant in the snow and ice. We knew he was smoking pot and drinking and she wouldn't budge. She lied about money to me and would borrow $20 here and there and then I found out it was for his cigarettes because he had spent all his money on Jack Daniels. Oh and the bills and rent were piling up.
After 2 years of us living well and she saw what her real future was all about she returned home with her daughter. Did I trust her? Not on your life! It took me 2 yrs before I could trust her 100%. I hid money form her, denied her access to anything financial and in time she regained my trust. I even let her drive my car now and THAT is a huge step for me!
DH needs to stay on her arse to make sure she is telling the truth. If he doesn't then he is allowing her to do the same thing all over again. I mean look at it this way, did he give her the benefit of the doubt before? And look what happened!
But tell him once and once only then butt out. Your words will burst into flames in his head when he finds out he should have listened to you.
Tough call. On principle, I
Tough call. On principle, I think that SMs should have a say in these matters, but it doesn't seem to wokrk this way in real-life. Best to say your peace when emotions aren"t running high. Read a good article recently on giving yourself permission not to care - would certainly apply to this siuation.
oneoffour, I'm so sorry to
oneoffour, I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through and SO Happy things are good now!! I would think hubby would have close watch on SD but I don't think he wants to face reality.
3terriers, that's a good way to look at it.
I was trying to share with my hubby what was on my mind, but maybe we shouldn't always share that when it comes to SD. LOL
Thanks girls!! xoxo
Bottom line seems to be that
Bottom line seems to be that when you are saying something positive about the skid it is welcome as a breeze on a summer day. But when it is something negative it is a direct reflection on their parenting - or lack of it. Even though we say "Honey, have you considered the possibility that......?" what they actually seem to hear is "Look moron, anyone with an ounce of sense would know that they are being played but you are either too stupid to realize it or you just don't want to know because then you would have to put on your big-boy pants and DO SOMETHING!"
Which I guess kind of is what we are saying - because after watching them defend, deflect and kiss the asses of the little darlings for years at a time, it is rather hard to watch without saying something. How are you supposed to respect a man who gets yelled at, ordered around, and openly defied by his own children? Especially when he then falls all over himself to do nice thing for them as a reward for such treatment.
When we interject - other to discuss the spectacular beauty of the rainbows currently shooting out of the skids asses - we only remind them that they are raising a generation of entitled jerks. And they don't seem to like that very much..... Apparently we are supposed to applaud their stunning achievement that the kids are not in prison. Yet.
I think what some parents
I think what some parents forget is that we give our kids all of the tools necessary to make the right, responsible decisions - however, we cannot force them to use them. At 5 years old bad behavior is likely a reflection of parenting. At 17, though, I would feel differently. It's your classic "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink" scenario.
I think you are right to be concerned. You give someone the benefit of the doubt when they have EARNED your trust. That doesn't happen over night - it has to be proven over and over.
My mother once shut the front door on my then 17 year old sister when she showed up for the 5th time with a beat up face, with her one year old in tow. She asked "Are you ready to leave him?" My sister answered, "I don't know." My mom responded, "Come back when you know," and shut the door. It was devastating for my mother to do it, but it needed to be done. My sister showed back up two weeks later and was ready.
Kuddos to Oneoffour for giving SD the OPPORTUNITY to earn the trust back and kuddos to SD for doing the hard work!
@MKLeslie - you may just be beating your head against the wall with Dad. If he won't accept that SD is going to make mistakes, then you breathe is wasted. Perhaps it is best for you to disengage - unless/until her behavior becomes detrimental to your well being.
Good Luck!
I am going through this RIGHT
I am going through this RIGHT now with SD14 - so glad to hear it continues....
SD14 is doing the same stuff; I point out stuff before it happens and DH gets mad. I call her on it and I am right; I see right thru her. this past month she has "changed" DH says......she wants to be honest and true........GAG!! I am just waiting for it to blow up in his face... She is being good, planning and then doing something really big! I know her to well. My advice - stay out of it - don't let it bother you. I know it's hard but it's the best when my DH gets egg in his face!!