I can see what you are saying, but OP noted that this was a very, very expensive school! Sounds like it is some high dollar private college. If all SD wants to do right now is get her base courses in while she figures out what she wants to do, there are many, more cost effective ways of doing it. You don't have to go to a top school for those base course...many kids go to less expensive junior colleges for that. BS19 is not going to his first choice...his first choice was a private division I university...a school that cost at least 2-3x what the school will cost that he is actually going to will. He is still getting a very high quality education, still playing football, and still has a chance at the NFL Draft, but for like $30,000/year instead of $100,000/year...all by going to a small division II college. Only thing he gives up is being on TV on Saturdays. How is that being paid for? Part scholarship, part grant, part student loan...and we will take out a parent student loan if the prior don't cover it all...but it should.

Yeah, there is no way we could pay for BS19's college. We are hoping he gets enough in aid/loans that we don't have to get our own loan. That way, he will not have to transfer his job, and can concentrate on his classes and football...I would put money in his account for gas and extras, since he will have a food card and he MUST live on campus at this school...especially if you are on the football team. They like to keep a tight reign on their players...they make them check in in the cafeteria to make sure they are up, eating breakfast, and ready for class every morning; they communicate with all the professors to make sure you are in your classes and doing the work (professor/student ratio is 1:18); every student is assigned a mentor; if your grade falls below a certain GPA, you have mandatory tutorials; etc. $30,000/year for all that...and they provide the student a laptop for their use while they are enrolled! They take pride in their high graduation rate, and their reputation for putting adults out in the world who are hard working and have good character!

Totally agree with you! There are loans for school, but there are no loans for retirement. I have both my own child and step children, and I will not allow any of them to drain my retirement for university. I never would want to have to burden any of them in my elder years for a place to live or cash because their father and myself used up all the money for school. I have no problem helping out, but I have no problem drawing a line with regard to limits. Sadly, so many parents seem to have this guilt thing that interprets out to owing their last cent to their kids. I do not see the point of this at all. My parents told me what they could afford and that was that. It was then up to me to decide if I wished to take loans or work to go to an expensive school. I ended up working and between not going to a private school and my parents helping I was able to graduate without debt. My parents retired without worry or need. I work in the field of my choice in the job that I had hoped to have all on a state school education. So much is put on needing to go to an uber expensive school, and it simply is not necessary. A good education in a field where there are at least some jobs and effort seems to work as well as the private school counterpart in most cases and no one has to figure out how to pay the six figure loan bill.

Yep, I would NEVER marry daddykins; everything is separate. I love Mr. Guilty Daddy's cognitive dissonance though. He told me yet again how LUCKY I am to have him in my house to fix things--ALL that $$$ SAVED on contractors.

No mention though on how his 1K a month in CS; all the extra utilities, detergent to wash his massive carharts in, elaborate meals, all the money he wastes by not taking care of his tools--just going out and buying new ones on my dime--me paying ALL the household expenses and 99% of the remodeling materials COSTS more money than just hiring a contractor. Not to mention waste of MY time playing his maid and secretary and the emotional abuse and drama!

If that is all they mean by "foundation year", community college! That is what it is there for...and she could work while she goes to school that way. Pay 10's of thousands for what? Because she pissed away her high school years being a brat? For her to potentially piss away this "foundation year" and actually never end up going to college for a degree?

I would look at him and say, "what's this we junk? You agreed! You cannot commit my income to your child's needs! I'll tack my half of the savings, put it in my own account, and you do as you please with your's. You can get a loan in your name only and pay for it with you income only, given there is enough left after your share of the household bills!"

Thank You! And you have those that are really big about the "our" factor. DH is that way, and he actually gets mad at me for calling things mine! Like MY cars...he hates that they are MY cars! I tell him, "I pay for the Forrester out of MY paycheck. I paid for the STi out of MY paycheck until I paid it off, and any repairs I've done on it have come out of MY paycheck or MY bonuses! That is why they are MY cars! Your car is YOUR car!" But the way he sees it, in his mind, once the money goes into the bank account it is OUR money, and anything that is bought with it is OURS! Um...no! I find that this is usually the thinking of the person contributing the least to the picture, or the one who wants to have control of everything. Sorry...what is mine is mine, and what is yours is yours. I get that a marriage is supposed to bring two people together to become one, but that doesn't mean that the people have to give up their identities and their personal belongings to the other people! And yes, I don't think it is right that one person spends all their money and leaves the couple/family living in a crap place. Now, I take my home as serious as other things...so we have a descent place. Bad thing is, DH will spend, spend, spend his money, and then wonder why we can't upgrade on things...um, it's because I'm not paying for the upgrade! DH is maxed out on his incoming and outgoing funds, so much so, that I recently figured out all of SD14's extras have been coming out of MY income! Yeah...that is stopping, and I'm keeping a closer eye on things!

Yes, a marriage means that you should work together, and that you both should contribute the the household and the needs of the children...the children that are BOTH of your responsibility. Anything we do for steps should be out of the goodness in our hearts, and not assumed as an entitlement, especially when we are given no say in any other part of the child's life (i.e., enforcement of rules, discipline, etc).

I really truly hope it works out for you. The only thing I can offer at this point...if the SD and BM are truly as manipulative as you say they are, do you really truly think that if you pay this amount now and say it is the end, that it will truly be the end? I have lived with a manipulative BM for 14 years now (SD's 15th birthday is tomorrow, and DH and I met right before SD's 1st birthday...BM had already kicked him out, because she wanted to see other guys). We have done things thinking it was going to be the end, but it is NEVER the end, and now that SD is a teenager, she is just as bad as her mother! There is always something else with those two! Shoot, the first time SD14 moved in with us because she got into trouble, she begged DH for just one more month of "child support" (after SD14 had already been living with us a month) because she needed something and her husband wouldn't give her the money. She pestered DH until he gave in! He told her flat out that was is, and she agreed to not bug him any more for money. Sure enough, the next month, again she started bugging him for one more month of "child support". When he refused, she started working on SD14 until SD14 demanded that she go back to living with BM!!! Then, he had both of them on his case 24/7 for months, until SD14 went back to BM's. However, just 5 months later, SD14 gets into big trouble again, and this time, her step-father wants her out of the house, so back to us she comes. BM tries to pull the same "one more month of child support" crap on DH again, but this time he doesn't give in, and BM cannot pull the bit to get SD14 to move back, because her husband does not want the girl living at their house!

I just want you to consider that they may continue to manipulate your partner well into SD's adult years. This is what I'm starting to worry about in my situation...that SD will manipulate DH for years upon years to come, and never really be on her own. Sorry, supporting this child until we die is not in my plans at all, and the more I deflect her manipulation, the more tension I have in my marriage, and I'm about done with the both of them! It isn't worth it!

Good for you separating your finances. It is unfortunate that this will still impact the household. I don't know what it is with these guys that continue to let their ex's and daughters to manipulative them the way they do! It literally sickens me when I see DH allowing it. I want to smack him and tell him to grow a set! My DH also tries to pull my money into the mix, and the ONLY time he tells SD15 and BM no is when I put my foot down and make it completely known that I refuse to fund whatever it is they are asking for this time!