Making this post is the first step in my realizing and acting upon the fact that what I've been doing isn't working and that I really don't know what to do.

My husband has two children - 23 y/o daughter and 17 y/o son. He and his ex wife shared custody (1/2 week at each home) when the children were younger and now stepdaughter has her own place with her boyfriend and step granddaughter. Stepson is with us during the week and with mom on weekends and holidays.

I came into the boys life when he was 8. He has struggled in school for as long as I can remember. I still can't read his writing and he is a junior in high school. Teachers ask him to type assignments because they can't read them either. For some reason I figured I could save the world when I came into the picture. SS wasn't real 'civilized' when I met him… it's like he just doesn't have the basic tools of courtesy and societal norms. He was playing video games for 8-10 hours a day when I met him. I'm pretty sure excessive gaming at a really young age has affected who he is today. He thrives on being different, which is fine, but he is very arrogant and considers himself much smarter than others - to the point where he will correct my use of language but bring home an F in english class. Go figure. He's the type who wants to have the last word and he is very quick to point out that he knows something you do not.

He IS very smart, thats why the failing in school seems like such a waste. I tried for so many years emailing teachers to find out about missing assignments only to send him with the lists to Moms on the weekend and he would come back with nothing done. I emailed her to ask for her help and got no reply. And I know that I have done more than I should, this is my husband and his mother's job - but it seems like no one is doing anything, and that I am the only voice saying 'hey, something is wrong here". I made appointments with tutors only to have them canceled and I still can't figure out why both Dad and Mom seem so afraid to find out if something is wrong that we can help fix to make my SS do better.

Lately things have come to a head because I am so frustrated at what I perceive to be a lack of concern for SS, both by his father and his mom. Last year, after yet another crappy report card, we asked Mom to schedule an evaluation to see if he has ADHD, dyslexia, Asperbers, or something that is hindering him from making progress in school. Anything but laziness and apathy, I just want to know so we can help him. I also suggested that he see a counselor. So he pulled his grades up - from having an F and 3 Ds to just 4 Ds, so Mom canceled the evaluation. She carries the insurance thru her husband and he won't give us the information so we can get him to the dr or clinic ourselves. So the eval was cancelled.

Recently I found a school paper he typed where he was recounting how he got away with lying to his principal in 3rd grade about bullying another boy. It is this kind of arrogant stuff that makes it very hard to like him. He has an air about him that he is better than anyone else. I know that he is smart, and that is what bugs me so much about the fact that he isn't doing well in school

So, he is turning 17 in a few days, and has recently begun a relationship with his first girlfriend. This girl comes over to the house and hangs all over him, even though my husband and I have said it makes us uncomfortable. Within the first 15 minutes of meeting her, she announced that she was bisexual. I don't care about her sexuality except how it pertains to stepson and her lack of boundaries to share something like that right off the bat. It was weird. And now they both show up with huge hickies and it's like hormone fest when they are around. I can't stand the girl, she just acts trashy, with no respect and no boundaries. Of course she sucks up to my husband and completely disregards me. SS, thinking with one body part, doesn't do anything to stop her hanging all over him and touching him in front of us. She will literally lay on his lap and rub her head on his crotch. It's really gross and inappropriate. I get that they have raging hormones, but there just seem to be no boundaries.

Things really got bad recently when the question came up about whether SS could spend the night at his girlfriends house. I said I thought it was totally inappropriate, and I never in a million years imagined that was something his parents would even consider. But Mom said it was ok and my husband caved. So off SS went, for the weekend. INSANE.

Fast forward to Christmas when SS and GF showed up to open presents. After opening gifts, without bringing so much as a card for anyone, they left to go to SS's Moms. I think he wants to be there because there is no supervision. I feel like I am the only one who tries to keep this kid accountable for his actions, and that I'm the only one trying to help him become a functioning adult.

Today I asked him why he wanted to go to his Moms all the time, instead of being home with us - he said it was because I make him uncomfortable. Wow that stung. And what I've realized now, is that in all my desire to help him, I've put myself in the position of warden and judge. I have such a hard time respecting my husband because I think he should be doing more - and that has caused big problems for our relationship.

Somehow, I need to learn how to exist with this child and not parent him. I'll be honest. I don't like the kid. I feel like he has some serious character/personality disorder and have on occasion worried about our safety. I wonder if is he is sociopathic or psychopathic. Ironically, the only class is is doing well in is sociology LOL.

So what I hope to learn from this board is how to exist in this house and not feel responsible for what happens to him. I can set boundaries for how I will and will not accept being treated, but how do I disconnect? I need to learn how to be my husbands wife - and not try to be a mother to his child. And I need to find a way not to be so bothered by what SS does.

I hope this makes sense, I know I've rambled a bit - but this is driving me crazy. I love my husband so much, even if I don't respect his parenting. Any ideas on how to make this work?

PS - as a side note: Mom is not a roadmap on how to parent at all. She has only met her grandchild once, because she doesn't like the baby daddy. I don't like the baby daddy either, he is much older and I feel that he took advantage of my stepdaughter. But I know that she is adult and can make her own choices. And she has turned out to be a great mother. I am there for SD and for that beautiful grandchild. I don't understand how a mom can be so cold and disconnected - but then again I need to learn to be more disconnected myself.

Thanks in advance.