So my view on it, tbh if BM was being an actual mom to the Skids, (I.e. Coming around more than twice in five moths and even then only because she needed them for image reasons *eye roll*) I'd probably take a huge step back. I'm literally their primary care giver right now, I get them up, make sure they shower at night, feed them, etc. but if BM was being mom, yes I'd still be a parent, but there definitely would be. Disconnect naturally there. Kids are naturally attached to their parents, even now, with me being the one that takes care of them I am called by my first name and told periodically I am "just a stepmommw." It doesn't mean they don't love me, they see me as a parent, they just know the other parent is still there. So tell DH that it's not in an offensive way.

As for the weekend, you may not like this... your kids are just that, yours. His kids are his. There may be some mutual sharing and he def should make them a priority as well (I bend over backwards, half days I'm the one that arranges my schedule to make sure SD8 isn't left at school) so I totally see you wanting DH there for your son and your trip, but to him, it's just a trip, to him his daughters band thing may be something he feels she needs support at. Particularly if the custody means he doesn't get o see her super often.

I'm sorry he cancelled last minute (he should have planned in advance). But take a breather for a second and look at how he probably feels about the whole situation, or possibly even that out don't want to be at his kids events either.

Perhaps by removing the kids from the equation, you can help your DH understand your hurt and anger. He had plans with you that had been on the calendar for months. At the last minute, he cancelled those plans in order to spend that time doing something else. That is rude and inconsiderate.

I'd go without him and be glad I didn't have to listen to him whine.

His kids are just as important to him as your kids are to you. You have plans with your son, he has plans for his daughter. Nothing wrong on either side. he may be just as p*ssed you prefer spending time with your son than his daughter. That attitude , whichever way it runs, can be viewed by the other as one or the other partner putting their family aka kids first.

It's just the way it works. He has his, you have yours. Sure, you'd love to have your husband join you , but he's no more 'wrong' in joining his daughter than you are for joining your son. You both knew these situations would surely arise? If you feel you spent too much time going his way for his kids, just stop. Go your way for your own kids.

Usually I would think at some point you two should probably tell both sets of kids 'no' and spend some quality couple time together if every weekend is designated to children. When is the last time no kids were part of you and your Dh's weekend?

Why not talk to him about it. Sit down and say "How do you feel being referred to as "mom's husband" and not by your name or status (stepdad/ dad)?"
He may say he is OK with it and then you let it go.
He may say it hurts his feelings or they don't respect him or something more manly but infers he doesn't really count in the big scheme of things.

Answer One means he doesn't get to make anymore crappy remarks. He has admitted he is OK with it. He actually said it out loud. So taking him at his word and 'trusting' him to tell the truth does not allow him to sulk/mantrum/ complain in the future.

Answer Two: OK I get it, so when you are invited somewhere for a rare event for my son and you have agreed to go and then your daughter asks you to attend a frequent event for her ... why would you think it is OK to blow off *son's name* to got to *daughter's name* event? How does that make *son* think he is important in your life? I get he will never be as important as your own kids. That works both ways. But when you agree to go somewhere you don't bow out for a 'better offer'. That is just rude. And t teaches your daughter you may always attend her events regardless of their frequency. So when the time comes for her to visit you and she blows you off for a friends sleepover or a party you really have taught her that obligations and commitments are entirely negotiable. Got it. You want my kids to respect you more you have to treat them like they matter.

Then bow out of the next few weekend events for his kids. You don't have to be there because something better comes up.

Go see your son and enjoy your visit, let DH go see SD guilt free. There are two distinct families each pulling for their parents time. If DH complains when you take your kids out then go w/out him. Sometimes step life is more like a mismatched puzzle than a blended smoothie.

Call me evil but I'd cancel going to see the skids if something came up for one of my bios.

I don't see this is as whose kid is more important, I see that as you as a couple had long standing plans and he backed out on you for another offer. That is not right at all, very rude and disrespectful to you. Missing ONE band performance (I assume there will be others to see), for a infrequent weekend visit where specific plans were made by your son to take BOTH of you places while there. His daughter is learning how to be entitled too.

I'll be devil's advocate - if your kids do refer to your DH as "mom's husband", I can see why he'd make them less of a priority. Your kids don't see him as a parental figure or they would call him stepdad, so expecting him to act like a parental figure is putting too much of the responsibility on him for the relationship. Maybe it's ok for your kids to refer to him as "mom's husband" and for him to essentially play "mom's husband's" role in their life, which is, when it works for him or on holidays, he's a pleasant, but non-parental figure in his life. If they do call him "mom's husband", he's probably feeling like they don't see him as part of their family or part of their life, other than in relation to you. That can feel uncomfortable and excluding.

I'm a childless stepmom and DH and I have his kids EOWE. I used to think, great, that means two adult weekends a month for DH and I, but really there are very few weekends that we do not interact with SSs in some way. During the school year, they have sporting events on weekends. During the summer, we usually end up having them most weekends, for a variety of reasons (not least of which is because although she insists on being the CP, BM feels it's "unfair" for her to bear the burden of being the CP). I've accepted that I have to give DH a certain amount of leeway to change his plans when things come up for his kids, because if I don't it will just create resentment.

For you and your DH, how many band performances does his daughter have? If she only has one, then I think getting upset at him for wanting to go is unfair. Should she have told him further in advance? Sure, but she didn't. Maybe given that your DH doesn't feel that
your children view him as part of their family, he really didn't want to go on the trip anyway, but didn't want to tell you about it. I know that your son asks about DH, but if he refers to him as "mom's husband", he could just be asking in the same way I ask my friends about their husbands. I'm not friends with their husbands and don't really know them, but I'll still inquire about them just to be friendly. Maybe he doesn't want to be the third wheel on a weekend trip with you and your son. Should he have spoken up about it in advance? Sure, he should have, but maybe he thought he'd get an angry reaction and avoided it (like most men - and most people would do).

I think the bigger question is you should ask yourself what is really bothering you about all of this. Is it that he wants to change plans with you at the last minute? Is it that he cares more about his own kids than he cares about yours? Is it that you feel like you put more effort into his kids than he puts into yours? I think you need to answer this question before you figure out what to do. If you think it's the first, then fine, discuss it with him, but make sure that is really the reason. If it's one or both of the second issues, then I think you have to learn to adapt and accept that he will always put his children over yours, just like you will always put your children over his.

I get why you are upset, but to be honest... I'm wondering if the roles were reversed and you were planning on going with DH to SD concert and then your son called and invited you to do something at college with him, wouldn't you want to back out of SD event and see your son? obviously SD's band event can not be rescheduled, so maybe you could reschedule your visit with your son to a weekend that you are both able to go?

IDK, you start out letting us know he complains about things when you are out with your son and then state you are sad he isn't going with you to visit your son. I'd be happy to not to have to listen to him complain but it seems weird IMHO to complain about how he acts when he is there and then be unhappy he isn't going to be there.

Simply go to your son without him, and this will be for future as well, you don't even tell him if you planing on seeing your children.
Clearly you and your kids are not important, if he gets angry about it say to him...

I always included you and you always agreed simply to change your mind last minute, I will not let my kids go through this disappointment again and again..You are disengaging from my children, do not get upset when they do not respect you any more... you did this all by yourself.

Then never bother going to any skid related event, he can go on his own.