Need a sanity check.
I need a sanity check. Was I wrong to tell my SS17 that if things didn't change, there would be major life changes? My DH and I are on the verge of splitting up over various issues - his son being one of them, in my eyes, not his. DH feels I dragged him into the middle by stating there would be major life changes. He thinks me mentioning anything to SS is monstrous. I think its just telling the truth to a 17yr old. We can't both be right. So which one is it? Am I in the wrong or right on this? So, for background, the final straw for me was returning from a two month mini-deployment to a nasty house - as in unsanitary. SS17 had the summer off. Dad works 14hr days. So SS17 was left in charge of cleaning the litter, watering the plants, etc. - about two honest hours of work a day to keep on top of stuff. The first thing that hit me when I walked in the door was the stench of piss and shit, that I'm deeply disturbed my DH and SS didn't notice. We have 5x cats - had two, found 3x kittens in a gutter. Took them home to save them and find homes for them. So five cats. A lot of litter cleaning. But a son home all day to help out. A month of feces in every corner of the house. Threw my dining room curtains away because they had fallen, no one bothered to pick them up, and the cats were using them and the house plants as a litter. Needless to say the litter boxes hadn't been cleaned in days. My housekeeper, who comes twice a month, told me she couldn't clean SS's toilet because he had it clogged for two weeks. She told me she doesn't know how I handle it, and I'm a victim of my SS. Fines from my HOA for dead lawn and shrubs. My SS has Aspergers and I'm pretty sure something else anti-social. I've walked in on him masturbating three times because he won't shut his bedroom door. Once? understandable. lesson learned. Twice? really? Three? WTF? He's EXTREMELY manipulative - pathological liar. Always scheming. Not criminal scheming, but the kind of scheming that makes you think it will be criminal some day. Got in trouble at school for steeling teachers notes and selling cheat sheets to distributors, who would then sell them to students. ?? Lazy to the bone - obviously. Will hide dirty laundry and dishes in cupboards, under beds, wherever, instead of dealing w/ them. He's just foul. I've tried gentle talking, path-of-life discussions, cause-and-effect consequences, restrictions, therapy, yelling - you name it. So did his mother, who I get along w/ really well. She couldn't reign him in, and she didn't feel her younger son (SS13) was safe around SS17. SS17 would chest up to her and threaten his little brother. Doesn't do that w/ me, cuz I'd take him out. He clenched a fist at me once when he was 14 and I body slammed him. Haven't felt threatened by him since. But now he's bigger than me. Anyhow, his mother couldn't or didn't want to handle him anymore and pawned him off to his father, and I can't say I blame her. Cuz I've got my bags packed. I just want to know, was I a monster for telling him I was "fucking furious" and there would be "major life changes" if things didn't change? I think no, but I'm open to the possibility I was in the wrong. I just want some opinions. Thanks.
Quite a story. What's a
Quite a story. What's a mini-deployment?
I'm in the navy. I was
I'm in the navy. I was underway for a couple months. No such thing as a 'mini deployment'. Just an easy way to say I was gone for while, but for a less amount of time than a full 6/7 monther.
they're moving out. it's my
they're moving out. it's my house. i just wanted to know if i crossed a line that would scar "a kid" as DH calls him. i think 17 is an age of accountability, where truth should hurt when you've contributed to its ugliness. i just wonder if that's harsh.
I think I would have gone ape
I think I would have gone ape shit !!!!
Your DH is the major issue for not kicking his son in the ass.
Your home is suppose to be sacred and respected. Why would you allow them to put their heads on any pillows. Pitch a tent in the backyard ~ let them sleep there with their people ~ the animals.
Yes, I'm appalled and
Yes, I'm appalled and embarrassed at the lack of sensory perception of DH. There's nothing like a maid telling you she can't vacuum your house because her vacuum warranty is voided by feces. DH most certainly should have kicked SS's ass, up and down the block a few times. The amazing thing is though, it doesn't work. DH is not a pushover. He's a federal agent and has kicked his son's ass numerous times. The fact DH thought I was a monster for dragging SS into the middle gave me pause, as he's not normally a pushover w/ his SS. Hence the inquiry.
this is a horror story
this is a horror story waiting to happen if it is not already. dh needs to do something now. immediately. call school counselors and see if some intervention can be done. otherwise he is almost 18. if he does something antisocial the law will take care of him. i would not tolerate threats made to me in my own house.
no threats since the fist
no threats since the fist clench a few years ago. and i nipped that in the bud. 18 in four months. he's been to therapy. i told his therapist i thought he was a sociopath. she thinks it's just aspergers. DH agrees. what do you do? get that f out. that's what i'm doing. for all that baggage and more. life is too short for this shit - literally - cat shit all over my house. life is too short.
thanks MizFoxie! i needed
thanks MizFoxie! i needed that. not that I was looking for validation. but I was looking for validation. seriously. dumb ass fucktards. i AM better off w/out them.
Ofcourse your dh smelt the
Ofcourse your dh smelt the faeces amd saw the mess, he just couldnt be bothered! Ok, so he works long hours, so fing what. It takes 5-10 mins tops to clean a few litter boxes and you have a maid anyway to ensure your house is sanitary, what with you having 5 cats. Instead he uses "I couldnt smell it?" As a excuse?!!! Does he and his son wander around with bags over their faces? Nope?!
Your dh is a lazy parent, if he refuses to instruct his son to fulfil his chore obligations and at age 17 you arent going to scar his son by telling him outright what he is doing wrong. However your dh is too scared, cant be bothered or is so invested in babying his son (because apparently he has a medical problem) that he wants to avoid reality, and instead hides behind excuses to justify his shitty parenting, his sons poor behaviour, while making out YOU are the problem!
I would be livid if I came home from deployment to a urine and faeces soaked house :jawdrop: :sick: absolutely appalling and your dh and ss17 are disgusting to live like that and in having the audacity to treat your home literally like a shit tip! The fact either and both think this is normal, acceptable, healthy behaviour just informs you how far gone they are and how impossible it will be to rationalise with your dh. Your dh would rather allow his near adult son to neglect the family animals, while he watches on and participates in the neglect by inaction, dh would rather himself and ss to live in piss and shit for at least several months, allow the cats to use your hard won home as one giant toilet and literally rot your home from the inside out while your maid and anyone else who has access to your home a front seat view of this extremely embarassing and dirty behaviour rather than make his son clean or even do it himself! Your feelings and how this even looks/sounds didnt even factor in preventing dh from checking out and letting this happen. After all, if according to him if he still feels his son is a "child" and this is a justification for not being able to clean the litter, whats his excuse? Let me guess. He didnt realise, smell it or see it?! Yeah, right, and I am Madonna.
I would get one of those specialised cleaning companies in to sanitise and get rid of the ammonia in the pee, as it will ruin everything. I would replace most if not all of the affected areas flooring, furniture and then charge dh for every.single. thing (take pictures of it all prior to cleaning). Btw I dont blame you for throwing them out, I would have too, as thats really screwed up weird behaviour...
thank you very much. he had
thank you very much. he had me convinced for a few hours that i was in the wrong for bringing his kid into it - which was "monstrous" in his eyes . now i realize he put himself into it. and putting it on me is just as disgusting as the piss and shit.
thank you. based on dh's
thank you. based on dh's response, i was half expecting people to tell me i was in the wrong for telling the little fucker how furious i was and there would be major life changes. i feared i was "scarring a kid". but you're right, he deserves to see his part in it, not that cares. i don't think he cares one iota beyond how it will affect him, but that's between him and god. i'm free of trying to raise an upstanding, conscientious young man.
thank you!
thank you!
I hadn't considered that -
I hadn't considered that - that it may be passive aggressive - on both their parts maybe. You're probably right. I'm the rule enforcer in the family. Someone has to be. I assumed they're just that out-of-touch and disgusting. Doesn't really matter now. I'm not interested in exploring their motives. I just wanted to know if and where I was in the wrong. And I'm convinced at this point, on this matter, I wasn't. I'm moving on. Sad, cuz it ends a 12 year marriage. But when you're done you're done. I don't want to try anymore - not for that.
I think you probably did
I think you probably did cross a line, but I don't blame you one bit. I had a very similar situation, but with a SD who is now 21 or 22. Ex and I split when she was 14, I believe, and we'd been married for 8 years. She had a great mom and stepdad and I did what I could for her. But she is just a mess. She's probably aspergers as well, but never diagnosed. Her dad would do the same exact thing, and did. Locked two dogs up in a bedroom and they crapped all over it. He had trash EVERYWHERE before he lost his home. Recently his daughter moved back across the country to live with him, and her apartment had to be cleaned when she moved out. Imagine used tampons on the floor! Entire place was disgusting. This was not poor parenting, this was something not right with the child. Her mom has 3 other normal kids, and her daughter got it all from her dad (my ex), I just know it. My kids are normal as well. My ex has been called a psychopath by a counselor during his first marriage. I'm sure his daughter is headed that way if not already there. Get rid of them, get the house back in shape, and move on. It is very stressful to live with dysfunction and SO not worth it.
When my skid took a swing at
When my skid took a swing at me when he was 15 he ended up out the front door into a driving blizzard with no coat and only one shoe. He stayed out there until I felt he had cooled off. When I opened the door he was about 1/4 mile down the road. He would turn around and look at our front door every hundred steps of so. I gave this the come here finger wag, closed the door and waited for him to knock on the door.
He had gotten in his mom's face and I would not tolerate anyone being aggressive with my bride so he and I had it out. I never struck him but I did put him against the wall with his coat bunched in my fist and my fists at his throat with his feet about 6" off the floor. He was spitting and spluttering and trying to kick me until I slapped him in the back of the head to get him to calm down.
That was the watershed moment when his mom got the message that if she did not like how he was behaving and how I was parenting and disciplining then she had to step up and get it done before I had to. She did and the kid regretted it for the rest of his time in our home. 4 years of mom being the disciplinarian rather than me.
Your DH needs to step up.
You crossed absolutely no line. You parented which is more than your DH has been doing. Regardless of his behavioral condition issues your Skid needs a foot up his ass or he needs to be gone.
IMHO of course.