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I need some help getting my head straight

Nomdamour's picture

I am a first-time stepfather at age 45. I love my wife but I feel like her children (SD13 and SS10) are somewhat spolied. I say somewhat because I have seen REALLY spoiled children before, and ours aren't quite that bad. This does not, however, make it any easier when my SD13 decides to talk rudely or be patronizing to me. I feel like my wife doesn't support my role as an authority figure in the household, and only gets involved when her daughter complains about me. In fact, my wife tell me if I mention poor behavior on her daughter's part that "only children tattle" and that I should "act like an adult". Of course, when I say something her daughter doesn't like, she's instantly showing her disapproval. This sort of behavior from my SD is especially bad when the kids come back from a weekend with their BF, who is very wealthy and essentially gives her whatever she wants. My wife says that's just how it is and she has learned to just ignore it. Easy enough, but sometimes, I get so frustrated I have to fire back. Yesterday, on the way to dropping her off at her BD's house, SD was being (needlessly) critical of my driving, talking to me in an inappropriate tone of voice. I told her she should google "back seat driver" when she got in front of a computer. She complained to her mother, who gave me "the look" when she got back in the car. My wife and I have barely said two words to each other since yesterday, and I am absolutely seething with resentment at my stepdaughter, who in only a few short minutes in the car, managed to screw up the rest of the holiday weekend for my wife and I (we had to take her back to her BF's house after an activity that he refuses to take her to or pick her up from even when it is his weekend to have them. I feel like the only thing screwing up a perfectly good marriage is my spoiled bratty SD13. I think she might be happier if I would leave. I was so mad, I wanted to send her a nasty text (I refrained) telling her that her BM was mad at me now and ask if she was happy about it. I know ow I am supposed to be handling stuff, but sometimes it gets so frustrating because I feel like my wife doesn't support my role. It doesn't help that when we got married I moved away from my friends. It's her house, her church, her friends, her kids. I don't feel like I have any kind of support. I'm a good guy, and I have been working very hard to be a good husband and parent. I feel like I have given up everything, and now I find myself wondering after almost a year of marriage (1 year on March 12th) if I am not asking the impossible of myself (becoming a stepparent at my age after being a bachelor for so many years).

Nomdamour's picture

My wife and I have been seeing a counselor, which seems to help. The problem is times like now when I am so frustrated, my wife and I are not happy with each other (not speaking), and the next session is still 5 days away. Not to mention, when SD13 comes back tonight, I will be expected to continue with my taxi duties, helping with homework, etc., when what I really want to do is tell her, "you want to be direspectful of me, why don't you take youself to get a haircut?" Of course, her BM will just have to take off work to do it, and it will get done, but I know this doesn't help my relationship with my DW either. I knew being a SP was going to be hard, and I know so many other people seem to have it harder (based on other posts I have seen) but I am at my wit's end. I know in theory that SD13 is just "being a teenager" but I am really starting to resent her for jacking with my marriage. My wife and I suspect BF isn't helping this either, although any attempts to get chummy with him seems to upset my wife considerably (something I really hate to do, because then I am miserable as well).

Nomdamour's picture

No, the counselor hasn't said anything about a separation, and I doubt I would want that in any case. To her credit, my wife seems to have done a good job with her kids, it's just that she has been a single mom since her divorce 5 or 6 years ago, and since I came on the scene 2 years ago, it has been an adjustment all the way around. I would almost think that I am complaining about nothing except that my wife takes it so seriously when I talk crossways with her kids. I have given ground on so many fronts: "Let them eat whatever they want... there are mor eimportant things to deal with"; ""they are just like that when they come from their dad's... just ignore it"...

I'm noticing something on these forums that SPs mention a lot... disengagement. I have always felt somehow that I was copping out or not playing my part if I did that, but it seems like it might bring some measure of relief. Am I being a bad husband by telling my wife that I don't want to be her daughter's taxi if she doesn't at least act like she appreciates it (or at the very least keeps her snarky mouth shut)?

All work no respect's picture

Great advice. Wow... you really do have the worst of all elements. I have most, but one thing I do have is my DH's backing on just about everything. Without that, I couldn't do this.

Lay it out and make YOUR set of requirements. Only 1 year of marriage, it's tough, but LIKE with teenagers, in marriages; you have to know the rules and play by them. If the rules aren't written, they will not be followed.

Good luck.

beyond pissed-off's picture

Wow - you sound just like the male version of me! We are the same age, moved to be with FH and his teenage kids, no kids of our own, Disney parents and a spouse (fiance in my case) who blows off the kids being entitled brats. My skids even criticize my driving as well. If you had put in that you had to take an exam for your work (I had to take the state bar exam to practice here - no reciprocity w/ my previous state) it would be truly spooky!

New second wife-step-mom's picture

I have been in the same situation as you for over 2 years. Moved away from my family, friends to live with DH and spoiled SS. I have seen kids spoiled worse than my SS also, but that doesn't always help the way I feel when he is being rude and wanting his own way. DH gives into SS way too much and does not give him any responsibilities but it has gotten a little better with time. I completely disengage with SS about some things. I will not tolerate him being rude to me and then he will want me to take him somewhere. Not going to happen. I will not try to do things to please him, give him things or bake him things he likes if he cannot treat me with respect. I can tolerate him ignoring me better. I have learned that the worse thing you can do with Skids is to let them get in between you and your spouse. Skids love to feel like they have the upper hand. Try not to let that happen and believe me I know how hard it is to keep your mouth shut at times. But there is ways of communicating your displeasure with out saying too much. Your DW probably already knows how you feel about her parenting skills. If she ask tell her in private "I will not be doing this anymore for this reason"... BTW, my SS loves to find fault with anything that I say and do including my driving and it drives me crazy. SS will not say things when he is with me alone only when DH is around. So I figure he is trying to cause problems between me and DH because most of the time DH takes up for him. Oh, and SS can be so sweet, kind and funny to DH especially if he wants something. Someone said to me concentrate on your relationship with spouse not SS so that is what I work on and things are alot better.