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Need serious advice to save my relationship

mspattyo's picture

After four years, my SD11 is having major issues. She believes that she should have one on one time with my husband, away from me and from my BD. By the way, we have an other baby on the way - I am 13 weeks along, and SD has not been informed yet. My DH feels it is important that he have this special time with SD, as he has not in the past four years (we got together almost immediately after his divorce.) I think he also feels he needs to "smooth her over" before breaking the baby news to her ... which really hurts me. I know I am supposed to try to understand, but it's hard. And all DH keeps telling me is to "grow up" and "be the adult". Well, not matter how hard I try, I am jealous. I feel like it is unrealistic and unfair for him to devote certain time "just" to SD. I have read other online blogs that say it is healthy and important for a dad to have one on one time with his daughter, away from his wife. But I feel that this could also be damaging, because it is giving in to her and allowing her to have her way. She has refused to see my DH for the past few weeks and won't speak to him. So he feels the only way to get his relationship back on track with her is to give her special attention. I just don't know what to do because I am angry that she is acting this way, basically throwing a hissy fit that she has to share her dad. There are a large number of issues involving her narcisistic behavior, bio-mom being crazy, a lot of things. But what it comes down to is I love my DH and want this relationship to work. He is unwilling to see that his daughter's behavior is in any way selfish. And maybe it's not. But I need advice. Is it okay for him to devote one on one time, special attention, just to his daughter? For the record, SD is in therapy and I start next week. DH should follow soon after that. Just don't think it's going to be the answer to all of our problems.

realitycheckmom's picture

I am all for alone time with parents and kids but isnt this rewarding bad behaviour right now?

RedWingsFan's picture

We had this issue with stepdevil14. When they were all together as a family, mom worked every single Saturday so dad and daughter were home together alone. Daughter got so used to this arrangement that she called it their special "daddy daughter time".

When DH and I got serious and moved in together, they continued their "daddy daughter Saturdays", only DH had limited the time frame to 4-6 hrs with her so we could all have dinner together. By this time SD was 13 and expected them to spend the entire day together, from sunrise to bedtime since that was what she was used to. He explained to her that the only reason they had done the whole day thing before was because mom worked all day and she was too young to be alone at that time.

She got BENT and just had a fit. She expected him to literally get up with her, take her out for the entire day and not come home until it was bedtime! At age 13!

Drac0's picture

>Is it okay for him to devote one on one time, special attention, just to his daughter?<

Yes it is okay BUT, and you have already hinted at this, that there are underlying issues that you all need to resolve. Stepkids in new blended family scenarios have a tendency to fall into two camps. On the one side there are those stepkids who welcome the new family because they see it as an opportunity to "re-invent" the family. Then there are those those step-kids who jealously cling to the past for fear that they are betraying it. So anything new (like you and your soon-to-be bundle of joy) are things that do not mesh with their reality. They do not know how to accept it largely because they haven't been taught how to mourn the past and get over it. People change. Families change. Such is the way of things and I can only hope that your SD will come to realize that in these therapy sessions. Your husband, as the "man of the house" has the arduous task of making both you and his SD feel like family now. It will come in time, so long as your DH doesn't do what so many guilty Dad's do. Some parents feel it is their duty is to make sure their little princess is happy all the time. Ergo, they give in to whatever demads they make. This gives the child the same control over the family as the spouse. This is wrong. Guilty parents need to come to terms with the fact that it is okay for children to get upset. That is part of the process of growing up. So while it is okay for DH to spend some QT alone with his daughter, he should also (as you have said) take steps to smooth her over and do the right thing by her as a father and do the right thing by you as your husband.

Also please note that therapy is a long process. Therapy will not solve issues overnight but if you stick with it, you will see results in the long run. Good luck to you!

misSTEP's picture

I think each parent should have a little one on one time with each child, bio or step. I'd ask him if he is willing to have this alone time with YOUR child..or the baby when it comes.

Unfortunately, this isn't the way it goes many times in "real life."

oldone's picture

One on one time should be measured in hours not days or weeks. Two or three hours to do something together is fine. Taking a week off someplace or banning the spouse for a week is not.

If this is an issue of his taking her to lunch alone so what. If it's that she wants SM banned from the home for a weekend that is just wrong.

It should never be a manipulation tool.

I'd be thrilled not to have a manipulative brat in my home. Let her dad see her offsite for a couple of hours.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

I totally agree. DH should take SD out for a couple of hours. On another day, he should take BD out for a couple of hours.

^^^ THIS. Then on another day take SM out for a date!!! Wink

Disneyfan's picture

No stepparent should have one on one time with a stepkid

I like my SKs but I'd never treat them same as my bio.

zurdibus's picture

Do you mean like going out to lunch together or just alone period together?

Eitherway I'm not sure I agree. Should it be expected? Should it be forced? No on both counts. While SD4 wants to be with her mom or her grandmother as a minimum when she is home, SD6 has had me take her to the library when SD4 wasn't feeling well or possibly wanted alone time with her mother.

And even though my daughter isn't born yet, at a minimum its not difficult to act like a baby sitter and make sure they don't get harmed for a couple hours.

autopilot's picture

"No stepparent should have one on one time with a stepkid

I like my SKs but I'd never treat them same as my bio."

Wow...I totally disagree with your position. A family can never blend in a healthy manner if you never build any one-on-one loving relationships with all parties of the family.

Advice to those who we know and have known contemplating marriage where there are kids involved is this...you're not just marrying your future spouse but also his/her kids. If you can't love them all (even when times get tough because they will), then don't get married. You cannot go into a marriage relationship with blinders to only love the spouse. If you do, you will have an unfulfilled marriage.

I treat my step-children as my own...and not because they don't have a great BD because they do. I love them as much as I love my own two BC and they love me just as much. It was not an easy journey getting to this point because there was resentment and hurt along the way. But, I made a conscious decision to love them and overlook their faults because that is the mature thing to do. I have faults and certainly don't want to be judged for them and so it wasn't fair that I judge them for their faults.

My oldest SD is now 21 years old and she and I have a wonderful relationship as typical as any healthy father-daughter relationship should be where she confides in me about her own life's problems and successes. We spend time together over meals discussing "guy" issues that she can't figure out talking to her mom and just life in general. My oldest SS is 19 and he and I also have a great relationship. He and I are able to talk openly about issues and spend quality time together. The youngest SS is now 11 and he and I go and do many things together without "mom". Just a very normal life with them all and my own BS (also 19) and BD (17) are as much a part of my life as them and have no "neglected" issues at all. In fact, they enjoy the fact that all of them are treated one and the same because it makes the whole family situation "normal".

Disneyfan's picture

My SKs (boy22, girls 6, 8&16) and I get along great. They do typical kid stuff that annoy me, just like my son. While I like/love them, it isn't the same way that I love my son.

The love I have for my child is unconditional. I would put my life on the line for him. As much as I like/love my SKs, I will never have that type of love for them. And they are respectful, well behaved (most of the time) kids.

autopilot's picture

Just sayin'...

I would put my life on the line for any of our kids. It should be unconditional although it takes a lot of work (and heartache, sometimes) to get there. My wife would do the same for any of them as well.

It is a dedicated process and sometimes it doesn't work out. There was a time that I didn't think that it would work out for us, but time heals a lot of emotional wounds. Eventually, all of the kids embraced us for the love and consistency we showed them. Looking back on it now, it has been both an amazingly wonderful and horrifying journey.

Blended families are not for the faint of heart. I would discourage most from entering that realm if it can be avoided because it is generally the most difficult, gut-wrenching, drama-invested environment imaginable. But, if you can make it through all of those difficulties to the other side you will see that the kids are a true blessing to your life. And the marital bond to your spouse is the icing on the cake!

Unfreakingreal's picture

I used to get bent out of shape when the Skids wanted ALONE time with DH. The reason being that it wasn't really the Skids asking for that time alone, it was BM telling the SKids to make sure they got time alone. In BMs mind, I was no one and I had no business being around when the Skids were in OUR home. So for a long time, as soon as the Skids walked in the door, I'd pick up my BS and leave. I'd go to the movies, shopping, I'd go visit friends, and DH would be TRAPPED with his two kids at home all alone. He HATED it. He even told me once that he felt I was leaving on purpose. Mission accomplished, he finally realized that he didn't really want to spend time alone with his bratty kids & that he much preferred it when I was around to ease the load.
Now, DH spends alone time with his daughter and it doesn't bother me in the least. She is almost 13. They go to the movies together, he meets her after school and takes her to lunch every once in a while and honestly, I think it's actually beautiful that he has that type of bond with his little girl. SD12 is no piece of cake, but I feel that having her dad's undivided attention every once in a while, is very important for her development at this age.
I also realized that the less I felt threatened by their one on one time, the less they feel they need it.

fakemommy's picture

The way we approach "alone" time is as if we were a "normal" family. DH often gets home before me, so skid and DH have alone time then. He also goes into work before me so skid and I are alone in the mornings. I love to have alone time (as in just me), and it works well to do it when skid is home; so I'll go shopping, to the movies, out with friends/family. I think it is when you make a BIG DEAL about "alone time" is when it becomes an issue. I wouldn't necessarily set aside time for them alone, just let it happen organically. I think making it a more natural thing rather than a big deal, especially when dealing with a SD with daddy issues, helps everyone relax about it. DH and I also make sure that we have our "alone time" as well. We spend time alone in our room or outside together and go on dates with skid knowing.

mspattyo's picture

I agree with most of your comments. It is not that I am totally against their one on one time. I am against the reasoning behind it - the entitlement that SD feels. My DH will never, ever, ever see her motivations as anything but her "having issues" or "needing him", instead of seeing it is indeed her clinging to the past. She has absolutely no desire to be part of a family with me. I guess what I don't understand is, when her parents were married, she did not have one on one time with her dad. Now that they are divorced, she expects it, like a reward to make up for him leaving her mom. I just feel that her motivations are evil, not innocent. I will give in, and try not to let it bother me ... but I feel it is just going to get worse.

Jada's picture

I understand what you're feeling. I have a SD12 and she is the kind who is needy and whiny and has to be near my husband all the times. When we first married, I had those jealousy moments and must admit that I still do. But, I do know that it is a good idea for him to spend time with his daughter separate from me and my bio son 11. Just like I spend time with my bio son all the time. It is important. It doesn't bother me because, quite frankly, I dont like doing things with my SD and DH together. I can barely get next to him at times and the constant whining and babying sickens me. So, I honestly prefer to not be around it all. I completely disengage. Its sad, but it's how I have to function. Usually she is with her mom on the weekends (lives with us full time). But occassionally she stays home on the weekend for whatever reason. When that happens, I make myself quite busy. I dont want to be involved in any outing with her because I end up miserable every time.

stepmonsterinthecountry's picture

Our family counselor told us that it is important for one on one time WITH the stepkids, rather than biological children. She says that biological children usually tend to get more one on one time with their biological parents. The stepkids are the ones who typically never get one on one time with the stepparent. Just a thought...

bug's picture

You are way out of line and I agree with your DH. Of course it is okay for him to spend one on one time with his daughter. My therapist told me to allow a day for one on one time for my DH and ss.

autopilot's picture

No way that DH should put the daughter first above you. The daughter is and should always be second to you and your relationship with your husband. That doesn't mean that he shouldn't have any one-on-one time with his bio daughter, but not at the specific exclusion of anyone else. He should also have a one-on-one relationship with your daughter, too, and should not feel badly that his daughter is "struggling".

I faced this same struggle with my daughter and she made these very same demands of me at the expense of my wife. I initially tried to appease her and do as the daughter said. But, it didn't take long to realize that it wasn't an issue of happiness but of control and was an endless cycle of her trying to manipulate me at the expense of my marriage. So, I stopped and began acting like the adult that I was and began treating the daughter as the child that she was by not cowering every time she threw a fit about how mistreated she was and how it wasn't fair that my wife got more time with me than she did.

Eventually, the daughter quit making the demands of "it's not fair that..." and threats of "never coming to see me again". She slowly began to see her place in the family dynamic and learned to respect us for the adults and parents that we are to her. Now, at 17 she is a completely normal teenager and treats me and my wife respectfully and lovingly. If you had told me five years ago that this would be the outcome, I'd never have believed it.

Parents need to act like parents and not put the children in places of authority. She needs boundaries set and consistently adhered to and she will come to understand her place and respect you for yours. I'd have to say that she is behaving like most kids do once they realize that they can get their way by acting in certain ways...as we all do, too.

IslandGal's picture

You nailed it autopilot! Agree with you 100%

This is what saves DH and I if we find ourselves sinking into BM and SD's manipulation..

#1 Priority - Our relationship
#1 Responsibility - Our kids

twoviewpoints's picture

What kind of one-on-one time is being asked for here? Are you talking SD refuses to come back and see her Dad unless you and your BD totally poof for the weekend? Or something more simple like Dad/daughter lunch on Saturday so Dad/DD can touch base on a relaxed nonstressed level?

As I'm not sure exactly what's being requested my 2 cents may be way off. I'm going to assume that there are times you and your BD spent time together just the two of you. Even if it's nothing exciting time going on, I'm banking there is that odd couple hours here and there that it's just you/BD. I'm also going to assume that nobody feels threatened by that one-on-one mother/daughter time.

One-on-one does not have to be a big special event planned occurance. Simply hanging together on an individual basis can be quite meaningful to a parent and child. Didn't you ever just 'hang' with one parent or another occasionally when growing up? Little things. Helping Mom in the kitchen casually chatting. Running errands with Dad and getting a bit of individual attention?

It does not have to be about 'clinging to the past'. It can be nothing more than a parent playing a board game with a kiddo while the other parent off getting a mani/pedi. Walking the dog at the park seems like a mundane thing, but it can mean the world to a child to walk Rover with Mom or Dad and just chat.

How do the two girls get along? Perhaps you can plan a kid thing for the two of them so they might bond a bit. Simple stuff. One parent or SP take the girls to the pool for the afternoon. Maybe you'll get lucky and the two girls will come out of the pool giggling together.

zurdibus's picture

I've been through this a bit from the other side. My SO (50/50 custody) spent about the first year after she left her ex with her daughters now (4 and 6)alone. We started dating and I met them about 6 months after the divorce and I might visit once a month or so. We all moved to a new house together about 1 year after I first met her kids.

So in that perspective they knew me as their mother's friend and they spent a lot of alone time with their mother. Psychologically speaking they have no idea that I pay half of all expenses here, they understand I fix a lot of stuff, but they don't know how much energy/time that takes, what they did know is that now I was around and was basically an intruder.

Now luckily, my SO was a SM and she's a good mom so they were always respectful to me from the start. However, it was a hard couple months of basically allowing them to be "alone" in the house with their mother while I did the laundry, worked, watched TV, etc. and only interacted with them when they felt comfortable or needed an adults help.

While every situation is different it worked unbelievably well in a remarkably quick period of time. I can say that it was pretty bad for me. I would leave work early just to get an hour of time alone in the house to decompress before I pretty much felt like a ghost. At that time they needed that time "alone" with their mother to feel safe and secure with the situation, that I wasn't trying to take their mother away from them, etc. I no longer go around that way, and I no longer get stressed by having them around.

Is SD4 maniupulative? Kind of but while it may work on someone in her life it doesn't work here in this house. That being said she pretty much has the full attention of her mother when she wants it, but she has mine when she wants it as well. Your SD is older, but sometimes kids of any age still need that security, I guess I'm trying to say it isn't necessarily giving in and allowing them to manipulate the situation. If anything it will generally lead to a better outcome if handled properly.

I can also talk from experience on the new addition as my SO is currently pregnant. We decided to wait for all tests and for the pregnancy to reach 24 weeks before they were told. SD6 kind of figured something weird was going on and your SD is too old to wait that long, but we didn't want to create any new expectations and anxieties too soon in case anything bad happened. In the end things went a lot smoother than we thought they would, but by then my SDs had started excepting me as as someone who was in their lives and were secure with it.

I would suggest that especially given the news of the new child, that if SD is being insecure that she get some alone time with her dad either actually alone away from the house or where the two of them are doing something in the house together without interruption for a bit before you mention it to her. She's going to have to accept it either way, but it might be a bad idea for your husband to tell her and then start to have the alone time she wants. That might set an improper cause and effect relationship between getting what she wants from possibly him feeling guilty.

anafiodorova's picture

I think there is a big difference when alone time is alone time - 2 hours to the movies or a lunch or a walk etc. and when alone time is used as manipulation tool. BM complains that at Thanksgiving dinner the SD did not have alone time with her father?Obviously manipulation tool - Thanksgiving is for relatives and family dinner- together . It teaches values and expressing gratitude. BM teaches bad attitude and no values , trying to spoil the atmopshere. If your SO and his family are naive and take the bait and blame you , your existence etc. Then all you want is to be invisible so next Thanksgiving you are not there, next Christmas too etc. You get the idea. Then you realize your place is not in that situation and you leave. This is what I did . It is sad but I had to because BM poisoned with her every word every nice occassion or gathering and my ex and his mother bought into it. It is sad and awful. BM now is married and I hope ok . My ex is supposedly with a girlfriend that has experience in such situations because her brothers have kids out of wedlock and BMs. So he feels she will be able to navigate his situation better. 2 years after we split he has no inner introspection and thinks I am the problem instead of looking at how he handled the manipulation of BM and his daughter. It is truly sad.
Alone time is a good thing when not used as manipulation tool and as a way to pressure the SM and put strain on the new marriage or relationship. Unfortunately in my case it was one of many things used to put pressure on the relationship and my ex and his mother bought into the manipulation.
In retrospect I am happy I left and I would never recommend to anyone to get involved in such situations. Not worth your sanity, self esteem and life.