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Narcissistic "step daughter"? Advice for a newcomer!

miserable and happy all rolled in to one's picture

Current dilemma:  A couple days ago, my fiance called his ex back because she was questioning why she has to pay for a portion of her daughters medical bills...because she agreed to according to the current divorce decree, even though she claims she had no idea that was the case.  Although we know that is a lie because he has had this conversation with her many times before.  (SD has had several health issues and her dad carries the only insurance on her).  He put the call on speaker (without ex knowing).  Ex is super narcissistic, self centered and in my opinion, a terrible mom.  She has always been manipulative in regards to both of her kids and their dad.  She has by far treated the kids differently, at times hitting or verbally abusing her son but bending over backwards to keep her daughter "happy".  Of course my disdain for the ex is unfortunately sometimes obvious...I am not a fake person.  After the phone conversation was over, my fiance and I discussed what Ex had said and how she was trying to manipulate the situation again.  SD was also there for the phone conversation and afterwards.  SD then completely blew up on both of us but primarily me, accusing me of trying to screw her mom over.  SD then told her dad that he loves me more than her, and she left and spent the night at grandmas.  SD is 19.  I have been with her dad for almost 10 years, engaged for the past 2.  

Throughout the time I have been with my fiance, I have experienced outbursts from SD.  My experience tells me, when she doesn't like what she hears, isn't getting her way, or wants attention, she throws a complete temper tantrum!  I really thought that she would eventually grow out of it, but as she gets older, it almost seems to be getting worse?  Of course due to the limited time in the past, her dad had seen her, he typically gave in as to keep the peace and would often make excuses for her behavior, "its because of her mom!"  Recently, I have been very proud of him...he has listened to my advice about not giving in to her because regardless of WHY SD does what she does, SHE has to take responsibility for her own actions.  He has not given in for the past couple months, and it has been working, until  this most recent outburst.  Now he wants me to apoligize in order to "smooth things over".  I am afraid that she is trying to drive a wedge between him and I and push him to choose me or her... 

I honestly feel that I have treated his kids very well throughout the years(he has 2, son 22, daugher 19). I have worked at least 2 jobs, at times 3 jobs to pay off my own student loans, but to also make our situation better, as a family.  Ive never asked for anything in return except for appreciation and acknowledgement.   By no means am I perfect but I have tried to learn from my mistakes.  I love my fiance am willing to do almost anything to keep him happy and our family together...with that being said, I refuse to be used in some sick game that I believe SD is trying to play!!!

PLEASE HELP

Comments

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

It sounds to me SD is aware that DD is setting boundaries and her recent outburst is an attempt for her to break those boundaries and get her control back. 

miserable and happy all rolled in to one's picture

I would tend to agree with you.  Historically, SD's outbursts have been during major "events", such as family vacations, get togethers, holidays, etc...  Due to the current covid 19 and the nature of our jobs, we had been discusing getting married sooner rather than later, just in case something happened..  Makes me wonder if that isn't part of the cause?

tog redux's picture

I'm a little confused why SD was there for the conversation  -yes, she is an adult, but clearly this was between DH and BM, as far as who owes what in the divorce decree, right? Seems like a set up for her to have to decide which parent is "right" and with a mom like that, likely she's going to take Mom's side, because I'm guessing BM is great at playing the victim. 

My SS is 20 and because CS goes to 21 here, DH was ordered to pay tuition for SS's college - he and BM had some squabbles over that, but SS wasn't part of them.

Also - why the phone? Wouldn't email be a better, less volatile way to discuss these issues?

That being said, no, you shouldn't have to apologize if you didn't do anything.

miserable and happy all rolled in to one's picture

Yes, I agree.  She shouldn't be apart of that particular conversation but I tend to let Dad take care of those decisions on what he wants to do.  He called her back because she asked him to.  Honestly I prefer talking through our attorney because we can avoid confrontations like this... their conversations almost never end well!  Ex gave a sob story about being tired of paying her attorney $100 per month just to talk.  That honestly doesn't bother me, just to avoid the confrontation.

classyNJ's picture

He is going to apologize for putting the call on speaker phone and bringing you into the discussion between him and his Ex?  Why isn't she mad at him for even discussing her with you?

miserable and happy all rolled in to one's picture

I think he wants me to apologize for anything, just so SD isn't mad any more?  I'm not entirely sure...  He and I haven't talked about it for 2 days.  We both work a 24 hour shift and I left work this morning and went directly to my 2nd job... 

CLove's picture

Well, heres my nutshell version of help:

1. Do NOT apologise. Your DH put the BM on speaker phone in front of SD and now wants to smooth things over. Thats on him.

2. It sounds, from the title and the comments that there is a lot more to this story...!

3. If she is an entitled spoiled brat, do not expect an impending marriage to make it better for you, expect it to get worse...

4. Is there a launch plan for SD19? That needs to be discussed before marriage happens!

5. In the future no phone calls.

miserable and happy all rolled in to one's picture

Basically her launch plan (I'm assuming when is she expected to move out?)...I'm new to this site  and still learning what some of the phrasing is lol..   She will technically be with us until she graduates college and has enough money to move out on her own.  She is just completing her freshman year and of course now we are on lockdown so her time in our house is exponentially great that it has ever been.  If things ever return to some form of normalcy, she will only be at our house on school breaks, then obviously when she graduates.

and yes, there is a LOT more to the story... I just didn't want to type a novel LOL

I agree on the no phone calls rule.  There is a reason we have used an attorney in the past!!

Winterglow's picture

I'd be worried about the "and has enough money to move out" part because that may never happen. Appartments are too expensive, she can't find one she likes and can afford, she might have to move to another town soon for work so moving out is pointless, nowhere will accept her with the new pet she just acquired or wishes to acquire, there isn't a decent neighbourhood around, etc. She could set her sights on a city centre duplex and then never be able to afford that. Tighten up that part of the condition for launching or she'll still be there in 10 years ... possibly with a baby or two and a bf/dh.