Disengaging vs. being disrespected - how do you do it?
Brief background - I have a SS17 who has been very difficult to deal with since he was about 13 or 14. He's lazy, a bad student, and would rather smoke pot all day with his buddies than do anything around the house.
It's a situation where his mother is a lot more lenient about things as I am. I catch him with pot in his room and she doesn't take it as seriously as I do. He has a lot of freedom, but this is a place I draw the line. It's illegal and I don't want it in my home. If he were my biological son, I would have ripped him a new one a long time ago. But, I've kind of disengaged in a way. I guess I feel like if she's not going to make a big deal about it, then why should I waste the time and energy?
Just the other day, I went into my car that I am allowing him to drive, and I smell pot. I go through his stuff and find pot and paraphernalia. When I tell his mother about it, she seems more frustrated with me, because now she has to deal with punishment and all that - and again, she doesn't think it's as big a deal.
Naturally, this makes me want to totally disengage. Let him smoke pot, let him get busted with it, not my problem. Fine, right? Well, this leads to a problematic situation. The problem is, by smoking pot in MY car, not only is it disrespectful to stink it up, but if he ever leaves any in there and I get stopped, I could get arrested. Same with the house - if I just turn a blind eye, it's like saying "hey you can do anything you want in my house", which is very disrespectful to me. I might as well be his roommate then. It just the principle of it, cause if I don't take a stand, his mother sure as hell is not going to do anything about it.
How do you resolve this problem? Thanks -
You guys make some good
You guys make some good points.
The car issue is difficult. If I don't allow him use of that car, then his mother and I are responsible for getting him to and from school, to and from work, etc. It's a huge pain. It's almost like a punishment for me.
I go back and forth about it all the time - that's why it's hard to know just what to do. I do like the idea of getting the cops involved. I think him going to jail would be good for him in the long run.
? If you don't lend someone
? If you don't lend someone your car, then YOU are responsible for finding alternate transportation for them? How does that work? Are you going to get me to work tomorrow then, since I guess you won't lend me you car either....
I think he's calling me a
I think he's calling me a cab. That or an Uber. I'll text you. If he just sends me the bus schedule, man, I'll be bummed.
Echo, I'll swing by with a
Echo, I'll swing by with a bottle of Zing Zang and a gallon of vodka. We can get tipsy in the mall parking lot...
Whole strips of crispy bacon.
Whole strips of crispy bacon. An entire pound. For each of us!!
Why are you letting a pot
Why are you letting a pot smoking teenager use your car? Take back that car and if he ever uses it report it as stolen asap.
Do what my stepfather did to
Do what my stepfather did to my brother-call the cops.
"I found questionable paraphernalia in my house-and I don't know what it is and would like it removed."
The cops came out-my stepfather took them into the basement where my brother made his "nest" they confiscated everything-dip shit brother walked in just as the cops were leaving-they took him with them. He 'fessed up to everything being his. He spent some time in jail.
Mom and Stepdad argued over it for several days but his foot was put down.
The boy is 17-if he's old enough to buy pot-he's old enough to get a job/his own car. Otherwise your wife will be like my mother head in the sand-refusing to acknowledge her precious son has a problem.
And I hope your SS wises up. My brother is now 29...still mooching off others (he's banned from our parents house) no job-loser friends-always trying to bum money/rides to the next party/score.
Not too many family members even bother with him anymore because he burned so many bridges.
Don't be afraid to put your foot down. That's your house too...and god help somebody if he gets caught with that shit in your house, they very well may try to get you involved by saying it's yours/you bought it for him.
You guys are giving some
You guys are giving some hardline advice - but good nonetheless. I read this and I find myself nodding - why am I getting run over in my own home by this pothead? Why am I allowing this to happen? I am going to take the advice. You're all correct - no more car, he can use Uber at $30 a pop to get to work and school, not my problem.
I was afraid that he simply would not get rides - but then he will flunk out and get fired, and I don't want him sitting around the house all day. But then if that happens I guess I can say it's not acceptable, it's time to find a job and move out if he's not going to school.
Please do this, and stick to
Please do this, and stick to it! He is not your son, and not your responsibility. He can ask his mother or his friends for rides to school and work, you don't have to do it. And why isn't he asking his mother to use her car? I'd be damned if one of my step kids took my car and did illegal things in it. HELL NO. His mom doesn't seem to think his smoking pot is a big deal, so let her take the chance of getting pulled over with drugs or paraphernalia in her car, and see if she thinks it's a big deal then!
Unfortunately, that might be
Unfortunately, that might be fine with him if he drops out of school. Then he'll have all that much more time to hang out and smoke pot. And sadly, sometimes even involving the police doesn't help. All three of my ss have been arrested for various reasons. The youngest just turned 18 and as part of his probation he has to get randomly drug tested. I can assure you that he ALWAYS has pot in his system, and the PO hasn’t done A THING about it. In fact, my husband said that when he met with the PO for the first time after court, the officer point blank told him that if they arrested every kid who had pot in their system they’d have to lock everyone up. (Apparently this is not an option.) I think part of it is that the system is just overloaded and they can only deal with the “serious” issues. The same ss was breaking into our house a few years ago while we were at work (a neighbor called us). We called the police and the officer they sent told us that if they’d caught him (he’d run off by then), they literally would have just turned him back over to us. He said to my face, “Unless he kills someone, he’s not going to juvi.” So it’s very frustrating when you feel like your hands are tied and you can’t get help from your spouse or the police. I wish I had some words of advice, but I’m in pretty much the same situation and I’ve just had to disengage (at least until I figure out what else to do). I do choose not to let them drive my car, but luckily my spouse feels the same way about lending them vehicles. Thank God at least he agrees with me on that. I sense that, like me, you are going to have to make some really tough decisions, and as much as some people say to just put your foot down, that's often easier said than done. Especially if it causes WWIII in the house/between you and your spouse. I hope that you are able to find some solution that works for you and your family. If you find success, please share with the rest of us!
If he is smoking dope in your
If he is smoking dope in your home call the cops and have him arrested. There is no time like the present to apply accountability for his behaviors.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Personally, I wouldn't care
Personally, I wouldn't care if he smoked pot but he is not allowed to do so in my home or in my car. I would also take the car back from him and explain to him why. When he can prove himself with good behaviour, then I might consider lending him my car again..... might...... }:)
Man up and deal with this
Man up and deal with this ahole. Stop being a pussy.