Did I make the right decision???? Divorce due to BM's lack of Support

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This is my first post and I've read a lot of similar situations, but I want to know if I am making the right final decision to divorce. This reads like a soap opera and sorry its so long.

I met my wife when we worked in the same medical office. She was quiet, shy and beautiful. We were able to talk about our job, the boss, patients, and her boyfriend situation a lot since our office wasn't busy. She was a medical assistant with a high school education and a one year medical assistant degree. I found out she had a 7 year old child and she gave birth at 16 years old and lived with the father of the child in the poorest neighborhood on the island.

She explained her boyfriend was always drinking, spent money like water and they were broke and in debt. She wanted out. I was a Rad Tech with 4 year degree and 2 year secondary degree. She wanted to move out, but had no car or place to live. We talked often and started dating after 3 months on the job. She used her ex-boyfriend's car to meet me and we became intimate.

She moved out into her half-brother's apartment and she did not tell her brother about me. As we got closer I found out that she was in debt for cell phone, credit cards, etc. She stated her ex put them all in her name since he was bankrupt at 25 years old and she was only 24 to my 34.

I called all her debtors and worked out a payment system and I paid off 2 of her debts, but set a plan for her to pay me back every 2 weeks with no interest. I told her I couldn't "save" her, but would help her and this would hopefully learn this way and it wouldn't be an unhealthy relationship.

I suggested she get a "beater" car, but she went out without telling me and bought a used Jetta with 19% interest! She couldn't afford the car insurance and eventually hit a curb and bent the front chasis. This is when I found out she had no insurance. I worked it out with the insurance, we got it fixed and I had to sell it to save her from paying 4x the worth in 20 years!

Eventually, she moved in with me and introduced me to her 7 year old son who was already overweight.

Things were ok at this time and we worked together as a family and I loved coming home to girlfriend and her son. I spent time with him exercising, working hard on his homework and taking him on a trip to NY to visit NYC at Xmas.

Fast forward 7 years(both now in different jobs) with one break up where she moved out because I felt she was taking me for granted and she needed to learn what it was to live on her own and pay bills and raise her son without my constant help. She called me after a year to get back together and at this time I bought a large 5 bedroom house.

She and her son moved into the house and things were good again and we became engaged. Once again, she was in debt for 2 credit cards for $2k each, which I paid off. I bought her a new SUV which she loved.

At this time her son, was 13 and she was not checking his schoolwork and I didn't because he complained I was too tough. She didn't go to any parent teacher conferences either. I asked her to help out with chores and being proud of the house, but she said I nagged her and that made her not want to do it. So I made a board, "honey to do list." If she didn't do them, I'd do them. I hired a house cleaner for us since she worked 6 days a week. (2 1/2 days). She just watched reality tv and her son did too. She would work on her myspace site and I would go upstairs and read.

We were married in my hopes that she would have her son respect me and appreciate the house. Now my stepson continued to lie, cheat and break things. One time when I was on a business trip I told him not to go into my office. Not only did he go into my office, but he took an iron and melted my office chair and rug!! BM, wife, did nothing but ask him why. He pulled plants out of the garden, totally disregarded statements not to do something and he'd do it in less than 12hours. He took food that was not to be touched and we found in his room after he said he didn't take.

I was confused, since I coached my SS in sports taking him to practice 3x a week and games on Sundays. I took him fishing on our bikes down the road often and taught him how to cast and take the fish off the hook. We went to the beach just us two, but when it was time to live together he hated me and disrespected me at the dinner table without his mom saying anything. I would tell her and she said, I was too fast to tell him and she would have said something. Any discipline I stated, she would overide and give him less. When I waited for her to notice disrespect and gave her the eye she still didn't do anything. I even told her in a way she would maybe understand, I said, "everytime your son disrespects me I die deep down inside and it kills me." She changed for a week and then the same.

Her personality is a quiet, loving, person, but she is so introverted that she doesn't have any friends but her family. She only feels comfortable at their house parties, which is full of drinking and letting the kids run around. Her 3 sisters are just barely surviving and their husbands just bareley make ends meet. Her half brother is in and out of work and he married a woman with 3 children and live in a scary apartment.

At this point I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Its her and my SS against me. She says I am controling and she doesn't make decisions. I can be strong willed, but I have become a shell of a man, not checking my SS's homework, I don't care that he is 5'3" and 175 lbs, that he is getting in trouble at school and with his cousins. I tried not to be as strong willed and just go up to my room while she watches reality tv and he plays video games.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when my SS came over to the couch I was laying on and he took the pillows I had my head on and the fan that was blowing on me and put it by him, then he took a blanket from under me and pulled it where I almost fell on the floor. I was dumbfounded?! I told her that his disrepect couldn't be tolerated and he should live with his father, which he has wanted since he was 9. I knew she couldn't separate from her son, so now it looks like we will get a divorce.

Have I been too quick on this statement. There is so much more I could write, we've been to counseling before, but she doesn't want to go again. Question, should I move on at 40 years old?

Oh, and yes, I pay for most things, she makes 30K, I make 150K and the BF give less than $150.00 which I told her to save for SS

Yes...

Move on.

In all seriousness, my advice is always does the bad outweigh the good? If it does, maybe it is time to move on. Life shouldn't have to be so miserable.

She sounds very codependent and very ungrateful. It doesn't sound like she is focusing any of her attention on her marriage. And that is not fair to you. She either needs to start meeting your needs (and it really seems you are meeting hers) or she needs to find someone else willing to take care of her.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Thanks

CO girl,
Appreciate your help.
Thanks.

I agree!

I agree with CO Girl. It is time to move on. Marriage is something that both parties have to work on. It sounds like you are working very hard with your job, house and trying to make the relationship work. You seem like such a generous person, she is silly not to show the respect you deserve and reciprocate by working equally hard in life and marriage.

40 is not to late to move on! I thought 40 was the new 20??

Good luck!

Rachael from Minnesota

I agree

I would head out the door if I were you. But just to let you know....in most cases mothers tend to be loose with thier children from previous relationships. I would rethink marrying another with children.

Get Out!!!

Can you hear the ghost whisper? "Get Ouutttt!"

I think you are in a hopeless situation. If she has not made her son respect you and all that you provide for their well-being in 7 years, guess what? She is not ever going to. If you think you've got problems now, wait until he is 17 or 20 and bigger than you with an even worse attitude. Lets face it if you don't do something about it, she isn't going anywhere and neither is he.

Truth hurts.

Step Mother's Motto this week is:

You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.

Baby doll, you're her sugar

Baby doll, you're her sugar daddy. people change a lot over time. people also learn how to survive at a young age and thats what you are right now for her - how she is surviving. find a woman who respects and loves YOU instead of respecting and loving your money and the lifestyle that you can provide. it doesn't sound like you have too much in common with her except the past. she doesnt have your education, values, life experience or anything that make a friendship or relationship work day to day. go find a lovely girl that you can have an intelligent conversation with and make your own babies.

"Life favors the risk taker."
EVASION

I agree with just-a-mom. Good

I agree with just-a-mom. Good and bad, selfish and giving folks come in all shapes, colors and tax brackets. I am a LVN married to a dentist. It is very hurtful that some said that "he could do better." I work as hard as he does, paid less due to what I chose to do, even though I have more school than this.
I am in somewhat of similar situation, dh makes excuses for his bd and doesn't see she is disrespecting me and the most self centered demanding 14 yr. (OK, there are probably worse.) But so far she is calling the shots and states I am awful to her (I don't cater or worship at her altar.) so she told him she would not be coming back to his home, he would have to travel there (90 miles away) to see her without me.
It makes it much easier to control Daddy without me around..she has tried to exclude me since we married, but if he does this, he is negoiating with a terrorist. All my family is half a continent away, I had a chance to move home and be near them, and was talked into marriage again--after ending a 21 yr. marriage. I gave up my family to be treated like this?
We are starting counseling tommorow, but I about as hopeful as you are.

Blessings...

She's a lazy loser. Move

She's a lazy loser. Move on. Honestly, I don't know how men fall for women like that. She could look like Megan Fox but be as dumb and that would make her ugly. Aren't you attracted to smart, go getter women, or do you have an issue of wanting to "save" people? I'd get that dealt with as it's not normal for an educated person with a brain to want to be anywhere near someone like her. You are WAY too good for her. She has no sense of responsibility. You can't save those that refuse to be saved.

I am in a similar situation

I am in a similar situation and have been contemplating separating myself.

As unhappy as I have been recently and as much thought as I have put into my situation .... my advice to you would be to free yourself of your situation. You and I are the same age and I think about that sometimes but then I fastforward 10 years and realize how much regret I will probably have if I hadn't left. Does not make it easy and I haven't left -- yet. My marriage is still pretty fresh but I think about it nearly everyday and often hate myself then causing me to be depressed.

This is about you ... you sound very unhappy. You sound very much like how I feel. Do yourself a favor, think about yourself first for once. Become happy.

No... I don't think you

No... I don't think you should leave her. She will go on, and you will miss her. Your money will not make you happy. You SS will be out soon enough. Go to counseling. I am just starting to realize that stepkids do need love from their steps. I know now that it is not all about their piece of shit other bioparents. Please don't give up on her.

Wow, I am envious. I wish

Wow, I am envious. I wish someone could have done as much for me....or at least one thing off of that list of things you have done for her.

But at least what I have is the knowledge that I have never gotten anything I did not work for. I should be proud, but I do resentful sometimes for never having help.

I guess everything has it's price, right?

My opinion - run like

My opinion - run like hell!!!! Find yourself a nice girl without kids - they are out there. I used to be one of them. As a matter of fact,....just kidding.
I feel so bad for you because you are being used and abused and you sound like you've taken your fair share of crap. Your age is not a factor. A lot of young (late 20's early 30's) women like older men - you are in your prime, don't waste it playing games with someone who doesn't appreciate anything but your money and your generosity to spend it on bailing her out.
You will be much happier if you do what you need to save yourself. There are plenty of fish out there, there really is.
And don't listen to the idiot that replied just above me - she's an f'ing dope!

My opinion - run like

Ah yes, a point I'm well

Ah yes, a point I'm well familiar with. I feel I'm in a similiar situation and have been for years. Always said, if I knew I'd have ended in this situation, I would have never put myself in it! Lot's of wonderful advice from previous readers...woulda, shoulda, coulda!
My biological daughter called me several years ago, complaining her new stepfather required her to put her dishes directly into the dishwasher when she completed her meal. My response was "He has his rules, you ought to comply with them, or move in with me where you can comply with my rules."
Now my SC complains about anything I ask him to do and he is 19.
Every marriage has strife, regardless if you have biological or step children. The bottom line is you want your wife to parent and be your lover and supporter and visaversa. You like being a giver, but do you like be a receiver? Maybe you are such a rescuer, you have that hero attitude. Obviously, your GF returned to you after a year of separation to marry you and you overextended yourself to gain her admiration. Now your back in the boat you were in before you even married her. Maybe you should talk to a relationship expert first to see what direction is best for you.
Good luck, I know your frustration!!!

She likes your money. She

She likes your money. She continues to dig herself into problems because she knows you'll always pick up the pieces. She's living the life with your money and in your home. At least she still works... You mentioned she had her son as a teen. The first 7 years were prob tough- no help, money and a little one. Now that her son is more independent and she has you around she might be trying to finally get her 'break'. She's reliving those younger years and wanting to be young again maybe?? Idk. Anyway, you need to decide if she's tour wife or project and if you want to keep dealing with this or not.

You wanted to "fix" her. Your

You wanted to "fix" her. Your account of your relationship with her makes that very clear. She was young and in trouble, and you wanted to be the hero. Your sense of superiority and borderline arrogance is very strong in your post, and I would imagine that your stepson and wife both witness the same from you irl. If so, your SS is probably trying to drive you and your wife apart, so that he can look forward to a life where his father-figure doesn't think of him as a fat lazy useless pos. So yes, for your sake and your wife's/SS's sakes, it's time to let this relationship go. In the future, you would be wise to find someone who makes the same amount of money you do, with the same level of education, so that you have no reason to look down on them...if they'll have you, that is.

Run...don't walk! Darn! So

Run...don't walk! Darn! So many men w/OUT kids & so many women putting up w/crazy exs! Sigh

You definitely made the right

You definitely made the right decision. There more than enough women out there who don't have kids from hell. Your sanity comes first, above all else.

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Did I make the right decision???? Divorce due to BM's lack of Support