Did I make the right decision???? Divorce due to BM's lack of Support
I want to THANK everyone who reads this and all replies have been and will be so helpful, keep them coming.
This is my first post and I've read a lot of similar situations, but I want to know if I am making the right final decision to divorce. This reads like a soap opera and sorry its so long.
I met my wife when we worked in the same medical office. She was quiet, shy and beautiful. We were able to talk about our job, the boss, patients, and her boyfriend situation a lot since our office wasn't busy. She was a medical assistant with a high school education and a one year medical assistant degree. I found out she had a 7 year old child and she gave birth at 16 years old and lived with the father of the child in the poorest neighborhood on the island.
She explained her boyfriend was always drinking, spent money like water and they were broke and in debt. She wanted out. I was a Rad Tech with 4 year degree and 2 year secondary degree. She wanted to move out, but had no car or place to live. We talked often and started dating after 3 months on the job. She used her ex-boyfriend's car to meet me and we became intimate.
She moved out into her half-brother's apartment and she did not tell her brother about me. As we got closer I found out that she was in debt for cell phone, credit cards, etc. She stated her ex put them all in her name since he was bankrupt at 25 years old and she was only 24 to my 34.
I called all her debtors and worked out a payment system and I paid off 2 of her debts, but set a plan for her to pay me back every 2 weeks with no interest. I told her I couldn't "save" her, but would help her and this would hopefully learn this way and it wouldn't be an unhealthy relationship.
I suggested she get a "beater" car, but she went out without telling me and bought a used Jetta with 19% interest! She couldn't afford the car insurance and eventually hit a curb and bent the front chasis. This is when I found out she had no insurance. I worked it out with the insurance, we got it fixed and I had to sell it to save her from paying 4x the worth in 20 years!
Eventually, she moved in with me and introduced me to her 7 year old son who was already overweight.
Things were ok at this time and we worked together as a family and I loved coming home to girlfriend and her son. I spent time with him exercising, working hard on his homework and taking him on a trip to NY to visit NYC at Xmas.
Fast forward 7 years(both now in different jobs) with one break up where she moved out because I felt she was taking me for granted and she needed to learn what it was to live on her own and pay bills and raise her son without my constant help. She called me after a year to get back together and at this time I bought a large 5 bedroom house.
She and her son moved into the house and things were good again and we became engaged. Once again, she was in debt for 2 credit cards for $2k each, which I paid off. I bought her a new SUV which she loved.
At this time her son, was 13 and she was not checking his schoolwork and I didn't because he complained I was too tough. She didn't go to any parent teacher conferences either. I asked her to help out with chores and being proud of the house, but she said I nagged her and that made her not want to do it. So I made a board, "honey to do list." If she didn't do them, I'd do them. I hired a house cleaner for us since she worked 6 days a week. (2 1/2 days). She just watched reality tv and her son did too. She would work on her myspace site and I would go upstairs and read.
We were married in my hopes that she would have her son respect me and appreciate the house. Now my stepson continued to lie, cheat and break things. One time when I was on a business trip I told him not to go into my office. Not only did he go into my office, but he took an iron and melted my office chair and rug!! BM, wife, did nothing but ask him why. He pulled plants out of the garden, totally disregarded statements not to do something and he'd do it in less than 12hours. He took food that was not to be touched and we found in his room after he said he didn't take.
I was confused, since I coached my SS in sports taking him to practice 3x a week and games on Sundays. I took him fishing on our bikes down the road often and taught him how to cast and take the fish off the hook. We went to the beach just us two, but when it was time to live together he hated me and disrespected me at the dinner table without his mom saying anything. I would tell her and she said, I was too fast to tell him and she would have said something. Any discipline I stated, she would overide and give him less. When I waited for her to notice disrespect and gave her the eye she still didn't do anything. I even told her in a way she would maybe understand, I said, "everytime your son disrespects me I die deep down inside and it kills me." She changed for a week and then the same.
Her personality is a quiet, loving, person, but she is so introverted that she doesn't have any friends but her family. She only feels comfortable at their house parties, which is full of drinking and letting the kids run around. Her 3 sisters are just barely surviving and their husbands just bareley make ends meet. Her half brother is in and out of work and he married a woman with 3 children and live in a scary apartment.
At this point I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Its her and my SS against me. She says I am controling and she doesn't make decisions. I can be strong willed, but I have become a shell of a man, not checking my SS's homework, I don't care that he is 5'3" and 175 lbs, that he is getting in trouble at school and with his cousins. I tried not to be as strong willed and just go up to my room while she watches reality tv and he plays video games.
The straw that broke the camel's back was when my SS came over to the couch I was laying on and he took the pillows I had my head on and the fan that was blowing on me and put it by him, then he took a blanket from under me and pulled it where I almost fell on the floor. I was dumbfounded?! I told her that his disrepect couldn't be tolerated and he should live with his father, which he has wanted since he was 9. I knew she couldn't separate from her son, so now it looks like we will get a divorce.
Have I been too quick on this statement. There is so much more I could write, we've been to counseling before, but she doesn't want to go again. Question, should I move on at 40 years old?
Oh, and yes, I pay for most things, she makes 30K, I make 150K and the BF give less than $150.00 which I told her to save for SS
WOW
no way are you to quick
your to slow this woman has been taking advantage of you from what i can tell from your post and no you are not to old.
what does she bring to the relationship ??
as far as i can tell u spend all of you spare time in different rooms so when do you get quality time together ?
what sacrafises does she make for you ??
seems like a one way street to me
godd luck
sorry if this post offended you
WOW
no way are you to quick
your to slow this woman has been taking advantage of you from what i can tell from your post and no you are not to old.
what does she bring to the relationship ??
as far as i can tell u spend all of you spare time in different rooms so when do you get quality time together ?
what sacrafises does she make for you ??
seems like a one way street to me
godd luck
sorry if this post offended you
Forgive my analogy...
Forgive my analogy but you seem like the water and she and her son are the sponge. Find a good lawyer and get her out of your life ASAP. You sound like a great guy, who has a lot to offer a woman who really appreciates you. It should be a 50/50 relationship. Not so from what you are saying. Seven years of putting up with getting stepped on is far more gracious than anyone I know would ever be. I applaud your effort, but they don't appreciate it. Babygotback has it right on with her statment of "what does she bring to the relationship?". You have taken care of a woman who can't take care of herself for too long now, now it is time for you to take care of yourself. I wish you luck.
Reality is always controlled by the people who are most insane.
~Dogbert
You sound like you put a lot
You sound like you put a lot of value on the money you make & sort of hold it over her? Do you think you are a better person because of your money? You must since you brought it up constantly, and you brought up her family's financial situations. We've only heard your side of the story so I don't know how she feels, but I think you need to keep trying. The son will not live with you forever, they do grow up and leave eventually, but try treating him as if he were your own. It may be hard because of what his mom has already taught him, but you guys should really try a parenting class of some sort to get on the same page. It should be you & her united, not her & her son against you. I guarantee he disrespects you because he knows his mom will back him up. If he saw you two as a united front things would be different. But try to be more encouraging instead of using any negative comments (you said he feels you are too tough)to get what you want from him, kids don't have as thick of skin as adults and with you not being his real father, things will sound harsher coming from you. But it sounds like parenting is the main problem, and that won't last forever. If she is a good person & you love her, then try to deal with the son. Have you told her you're considering divorce? I understand you have done a lot for her financially, but it sounds like you feel you're entitled to be worshipped for it...money is only money, you can't take it to the grave, all you can take are the decisions you made while you're here.
Never held it over her
I understand your reply. I never ever wanted to be worshiped for the monetary help, ever. I never held it against her and she really never asked for it, so it made it easy to do. She did appreciate the fiscal help, it rarely came up. She didn't spend money like crazy or shop for frivalous things when she was with me.
The only thing I wanted was respect from her son. I wished for her to show initiative to help her son, not for me to remind her of what to do with school work, parent teacher meetings that she never went to, extra help, summer reading programs, exercise, extra curricular activities. Her initiative to keep the house respectable, not spotless. The only appreciation I wanted was a home to come home to where everyone tried their best and we enjoyed the weekends and worked on the weekdays.
Money has never motivated me, I was wrong to mention it so much in the posting.
I think you are doing the right thing
From what you said, which I know, how can you say every single thing in one post, I am thinking, this does not sound like she loves you, more like she needs someone to pay bills (hope that doesn't sound too harsh).
The kid needs to get under control yesterday, that alone would end it for me.
Life is too short for you not to have a real partnership. You sound like you have your act together, find someone else. There are millions of women looking for a good man to build and SHARE a life with you!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Don't know the whole story
You haven't said that you don't love your wife so I'm guessing that you do. Sounds like the problem isn't with the son so much as it is the both of you presenting a united front with your ss. It sounds to me - and of course this is just my opinion - that she hasn't asked for any of the things that she has but that you provided them because you wanted to - nor does it sound like she is asking you for money? I can't tell from reading your post. Aside from your SS is the problem with your wife also because she has not "grown" as a person and gotten a better job, gone to school, things that you perhaps expected to happen? Would she/you be open to going to family counseling?
You are right in your assessment
Yes, she really didn't ask for money, she did ask for me to help her. I gave everything because I love(d) her. She is not materialistic, wasn't a shopper/spender. She wasn't really goal oriented towards more schooling. The main problem is that she just wants her son to be happy and have no conflicts in her or his life. Once life became easy in the home, she just became lazy and did almost nothing to help her son grow up or do better in school. She would just watch tv.
I tried family counseling and wanted to do it more, but she didn't want to go again because she felt the counselor sided with me.
I can understand how you
I can understand how you feel in relation to the money side of things. I'm guessing it's not that you don't want to help her or spend the money but just the appreciation in return, this is what I seem to understand from your post. I was in the same situation. when I first met BF he was in a bad financial situation which I helped him out as much as I could the only thing I refused to pay for was child support as I felt that if I have no say in these childrens lives then why should I be the one to support them. All I wanted at the time was for BF to appreciate what I did spend as I really didn't need to, it was just as easy to sit back and let him get further in debt, but as you said in your post above was that you love her, as I do my BF, I never threw it in his face but he always made sure he thanked me and showed me that he really did appreciate the help. Does your wife show you her appreciation?
You have invited this woman and her son into your home to only be shown disrepect, to me that really doesn't sound fair.
Regarding your SS I don't think that you can even consider looking into his attitude situation until you have resolved things with your wife. You both need to be on the same page for your relationship to work, your ss isn't going to change if you expect one thing from him and your wife another. You need to work together and that doesn't seem the case at the moment.
In my opinion if she isn't interested in going back to counseling then maybe she doesn't want the relationship to work and your just her security blanket.
I hope I have offended you in anyway, this is just my opinion based on past experience. Good luck
Just curious, was your
Just curious, was your marriage counselor a man or woman? Maybe choose a different counselor, one that she likes, so she won't feel ganged up on? I do agree that life is too short to be unhappy, but please do everything you know how to get her to try and save the marriage. But if at the end of the day she is just not willing to participate in solving the issues, you can't save a marriage by yourself. Just realize that every relationship, every marriage, every person will always have their own set of issues to bring to the table, so divorcing & finding someone new isn't always the answer. That relationship could turn out to have even bigger problems down the line! I just pray you try your hardest, and if it doesn't work, at least you know you did everything you could!