Hey Shico80, you sound so much like me.... I too am 31, never been married and don't have a child of my own. Although my darling boyfriend feels he will never get married again, we have a very marriage-like existence and for all intents and purposes his children are my (step)children (SS3 and SS5).

We took it slow. Dated for a year without meeting the kids. After meeting the kids, another year later we moved in together (although we essentially lived together for that year anyways). I am thankful for that time we had together before I met the kids - it was a time for us to enjoy as a couple. We have the kids 50% of the time. I love having them here and I love it when they leave. Having your SD7 in your life that much will be a big adjustment, but it sounds like you are on the right path... take it slow. It is good that you can see your SD7 objectively for who she is as a person - sounds like she is lucky to have you entering her life.

Suggestions, you will have her a lot since she only sees BM every three weeks... don't try to replace BM or be someone you are not. You can only be you and when those frustrating moments arise, give yourself credit. You as new at this role and so is she. Also, never speak badly about BM EVER! Especially when she deserves... kids identify through their parents so no matter who/what their parent does... it is up to them to find the fault, not you - you will be better for it and she will appreciate you all the more.

The one thing I am the most thankful for is the love and support from my darling boyfriend. When BM asked me to take down photo's of me enjoying my SS3's birthday with him from FB, I sucked it up and did it (yes, it hurt immensely). My darling boyfriend reposted the picture on his page and wrote a very public message to me about how much his children care for me, despite these challenges. I am also very lucky he supports my disciplinary choices with my SS's and we work very closely as a team raising them and I am very hands-on. I am curious how your BF will handle your input since he has been doing the job on his own solo for a long time... watch for him to feel a little threatened and critical of your input at times, especially if to him he feels you are judging his parenting choices. But also don't be afraid to put your foot down, because like it or not he will have to allow room for you to make your own place in your new family.

My hardest challenge is how BM hates me and refuses to see logic when it comes to wrongly blaming me as the catalyst for their failed marriage. Be prepared for your's to feel threatened as well... I highly recommend the book STEP-WIVES... even though their is minimal contact... she may still feel threatened by a new "mother-figure" in her daughter's life. If you can, make it clear you are not trying to take her place - but remember... your house your rules. Sometimes it is up to you to set up boundaries between you and BM.

Lastly, it is easy to get caught up in the family role... don't forget to take care of you first. Try to take some time to still enjoy independent activity by yourself and never feel guilty about that also, encourage your BF to do the same. When I moved in I started slow with things I felt were important to my survival in this family. Your sanity is your responsibility and depending on your BF, it can make or break your situation. Be careful - be involved - but be smart about your limits as well. We are not perfect, but many of us do try.

Keep me posted, I would love to hear about how your new role/life progresses.

Good Luck!

Welcome here!
Another tip- please educate yourself as much as you can about stepfamilies (eg read the "stepmonster" book) , also I would encourage to read stories here- don't freak out if some of them are quite extreme.:)
Before you committ 100% to marriage etc please try to find out where SO stands.Will he support you as a step mum and even more importantly as his wife?Or is he more concerned how SD will deal about all those changes and how he can make up to her?Your SD is witty and smart?O dear, I call even that comment that she doesn't want his dad to remarry rather cheeky and already out of line for a 7 year old.It sounds all a bit like by SD7 who was also alone with her dad (shared co with her mum)since she was a toddler and had also a clear mini-wife attitude.She always wanted to be treated as an adult , interfered every conversation and thought she is on the same level as me.There was absolutely no emotional space for me left when she was around! Only because SO has changed a lot around and stopped treating her like an entitled princess PLUS put me in the role of his spouse rather than her, we are still going strong.
Prepare yourself as much as you can...I think the conflicts will start sooner than you think.
The stronger you are in yourself and the clearer you are with your SO about what you want in your rs and in the family the better he will accept this and work with you.Don't forget that he and his daughter were their little" dream team" for over 6 years- he needs to relearn as well for SD to accept that things are gonna change .

Well, here's some advice. Go ahead and do some research and find a good counselor or therapist in your area. Do it BEFORE you officially become a stepmom and put them on speed-dial. If things go well, then you can throw away their number. Statistically though, you are in for one hell of a ride especially dealing with the father-daughter dynamic. She may eventually start to see you as a threat for Daddy's attention and start doing things to pry you two apart. While you two are sitting on the couch watching TV, she may do things like sit in his lap, or try to sit directly between you two.

Make sure that you two will have ADULT time for each other. Yes the daughter was there before you, but your marriage should come first. A strong marriage is the only way to prevent a stepkid from ruining things. I know it seems like I'm being negative, and I really do hope things work out for you, but just be prepared for what can happen. I've said this a million times on this forum and I'll say it again.

YOUR MENTAL STABILITY AND SANITY COMES FIRST ABOVE ALL ELSE. It's okay to put yourself first sometimes. If you find yourself stuck in a situation where it seems like you are losing your mind, step away from it. Without you being healthy mentally, nothing else matters. Good luck.

wow very similar situations-right down to the age. I got married when I was almost 31 and his dtr had just turned 8 when he got married, he had full custody for the past few years after he divorced too. so i've been married almost 2 years now and oh things I wish I would've known...
1. Above all, you MUST be convinced that your husband loves you and is devoted to you and the relationship between the 2 of you. You cannot and should not take a back seat to stepdtr--you must be convinced that your marriage will be you and him w/ her below your authority..not him and her w/ you tagging along.
2. You have to be convinced that he is not laden w/ daddy guilt and also that he wants to purposefully parent his child including disciplining her and holding her to consistent expectations. You will go INSANE if he lets her get away w/ crap and is inconsistent /permissive parent. You will already feel out of control enough and if your husband isnt in control of his kid you will lose it.
++in my opinion--if you are not certain of the above 2 things--then I wouldnt proceed. I was certain of these two things and they are still true to this day-and it has still been hard!++

3. You need to let yourself feel how you feel. You will not love this child- at first or maybe not ever. You will feel like an intruder in your own home--and it will PISS you off. Things will get worse after you get married for awhile. It's ok not to like the kid. It's ok to hate your life and be depressed and pretty miserable. It's ok to inwardly glare at your stepkid and wish they would just GO AWAY. You just gotta let yourself feel the whole gamut of emotions or else you'll never get past it. And dont feel like a crappy person for feeling bad things about a kid--it's a freaking hard thing to do and you're entitled to your feelings. oh and prepare yourself to mourn the fact you will never have a "normal newlywed life"--this was huge for me and I realized after a few months I was truly in mourning. It wasnt the typical carefree days of newly married couple--it was much more stressful than enjoyable at first. Once I accepted that it was OK to grieve that loss, I grieved and moved on. But that hit me big time and I didnt really realize how much I wanted that till after I was married.

4. Do not let a kid dictate your emotions/mood/day etc. Much easier said than done-I spent almost the first year allowing her to do just that. if she didnt make eye contact with me I would just get so ill and go to my room and be pissy about my life. If she acted like I was intruding on her and daddy time I would do the same thing. It wasnt until I made up my mind that "Regardless of your attitude towards me, I'm the adult and I'm not going to let a kid affect ME" that things really started turning around.

5. Let your husband do most of the work. When we first got married I wanted to make her school lunch (something he never did), I would sign her up for soccer, make sure she had field trip money, take her to counseling etc etc. It would tick me off and i felt like a nanny or husbands secretary. I just started letting stuff go and would tell my husband that If he wanted her to play soccer, he'd need to sign her up. If he wants her in counseling he needs to take her, etc etc. It's not a mean thing--it's a boundary thing b/c we are NOT their parent and thier parent needs to the helm on raising them. Now, I help out when I can and want, but if she's sick and cant go to school-I ask him what the plan is--it's not my problem. Your job is to be a wife to your husband first--not to run around fretting about someone else's kid.

6. non-stepparents are well-meaning but idiotic. They'll say things "oh do you love her??!" while you think "not just no, but HELL no"; they'll say "Oh she's so lucky to have you" while you think "Yay, I'm glad I can sacrific my life and happiness for someone else's kid" and my favorite is "Yall are such a sweet happy family" meanwhile they're totally ignorant of the struggles involved. So tune them out, surround yourself w/ at least one other stepparent w/ a positive experience and move on.

7. This stepparenting thing, is not rocket science. It all starts w/ the man you marry. If you marry a weak minded man who wont discipline his kid or stand up to his ex wife, youre screwed from the beginning. Marry a man that is strong and confident and one who will protect you and defend you and will not tolerate your stepkid being disrespectful to you. I promise if you have a good man, it is not easy, but it is totally doable. I know teenage years are coming up whcih stresses me out, but overall, things are good. I dont count down the days till she goes w/ her mom anymore, but I do still enjoy the wknds she's gone. I truly love her-not like i'll love my own kid I know-but I love her and appreciate her. I have earned the right to exercise more authority in her life and she yields to it because her dad REQUIRES it. If it weren't for him and how good he is, I would have no hope.

8. It can be done-and you can be happy but only if the marriage is parent centered and not kid centered.

Good luck!!

That is smart of you both taking your time on getting married! In the daughters case, I would like to point out a couple of things that I know of so it does not get over looked. In her eyes she is facing a lot & for her, it may even feel sudden. Change is stressful for children but you & her dad can teach her how to cope. It's a tool she will need for life anyways. It's common for girls to feel that they are losing a dad & gaining another mother. Kids hear a lot of horror stories of step parents from their friends, classmates, television shows, & sometimes by the other birth parent. I would like to suggest having open communication with her covering fears, pro's to having another person there to love her, assurance that she will not lose her dad, & asking her if she will help you & her dad make this happen. Please do not take her negative fears/feelings personal for this is how she would feel about any woman wanting to marry her dad. For the daughter, she naturally wants her dad to be her only like you want him to be your only when it comes to other women. It is going to take her time to accept the idea & she can't help but to feel jealous! In time, you will grow on her & she will come to love/need you as a mother figure.

I do not want to bull s*** you when I say this, there are going to be times you will feel frustrated but that's normal. When you do, this site is great for helping a person just cope. What I spoke of, are the things to be cautious of & or to prepare for but im sure you will do great & be happy! I have faith that your a great wife/mom to be.

Keep being open & honest. All else should work out.

I think many people will agree that if you get to the root of the problem...it's rarely the step kids alone. Bad behavior, negativity, and strife are usually started with the stupid adults...the BM and BD. It't the poor step parent that gets the crappy end of the stick. Unless the person you're with is sound minded, realistic and functional (as opposed to dysfunctional), it's the parents of the kids that screw everything up