Never easy. In fact, your SD is only 14, which means she's headed for some tough spots and so are you, compounded immensely by this continual entitlement. Just wait, the inner brat will emerge.

I feel for you bobsti. Sorry I couldn't be more positive. At least forewarned is forearmed.

Just from reading your post, I see two issues. One, of course, is that you think your SD is being raised poorly -- and you and your H definitely have very different values regarding parenting and work ethic.

But the second issue is that you seem to have given up most of your life to move into his. As you said, he didn't need to make very much of an adjustment as a result. Two possible consequences of this: first, there's not much in this scenario to lead him to want to change the status quo. Second, you have given up most of your autonomy and control of your life -- and I would guess that that is part of what makes seeing how his child is being raised so hard for you to take: because you don't have as much of your "own" life to focus on, it's inevitable that you will focus on hers more.

I definitely sympathize with your issues with the way she is being raised. I'm sure my values are more similar to yours. But she is not your daughter. And as long as she is polite and respectful in your household, that is probably the extent of what you should reasonably expect to be your input/influence. If you fear for the future financial requests of the child, then you'll need to have a discussion with your H about finances and expectations. However, if there is a radical difference in how much money you both bring into the relationship, it may be that this discussion will be difficult. You might want to bring in a counselor as a mediator if you find that you can't come to a resolution on this matter. You DO have the right to have a say in financial matters, but if he is very used to shelling out money for his daughter, and if you don't bring in much cash relative to what he makes, then he might not feel you have much of a case.

Finally, getting back to my second point: I would strongly suggest that you work on building your OWN life independent from your husband. I read your info and didn't see whether you work, etc., and I could be wrong about this, but if you don't have your own circle of friends and your own activities, it's likely you don't really feel in "control" of your own destiny very much. If that's the case, then I can definitely see where the habits of this stepdaughter would make you feel even more out of control -- one more thing you can't change or influence. Does that make sense? Maybe I've read this wrong, but if not, consider to what extent moving into DH's life has taken a toll on you and your sense of happiness, and then think about what you could do to change that.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

I would rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I am not.

not your sd. The discription you gave above of sd is one most women, bio or step, would love to say about their children/stpechildren. Your issues are steming from your dh. My dh and I are in the same position. He came from money, while I came from a lower middle class home with a single mother. I learned growing up that we appreciate what we earn more than what is given to us. This was an issue I discussed at length with my dh early in our relationship. I explained to him that while I can understand and appreciate that he wants to show his love for ss in other ways, beyond words and affection, this, in the long run would be detrimental to ss. The good things in life come as a result of time, energy, sacrifice and even enough risk of failure. We must teach our children to face a challenge, to find their own success. Hard work helps our children to realize their potential, builds charecter, earns the respect of others, earns self respect, adds meaning to life, and in the end becomes a healthy habit. There is nothing wrong with having the desire to " give" to our children better than what we had, but doing this while erasing in them the desire and initiative to achieve for themselves is where we cross the line and are responsible for the general attitude of entitlement that is so prevalent in today's youth. Get dh to discuss this with sd. Teach sd to take those $100.00 gifts and bank them for the future, or ask the grandparents to open an account for sd future and put their generous gifts in there as an investment in their granddaughters future. I doubt your dh has maintained his success on his parents handouts, he had to learn to succeed on his own( even if his parents helped him to get started). Tell dh this is what sd should be learning as well. Set up things sd can do to actually EARN the money she wants to spend on the " I want's," and then put the rest away. One day sd will thankyou!