HELP.... We have a case of the Divorced Parent Syndrome!!!!!!! I need a CURE!!!
Ok... For starters.. My boyfriend and I have been dating for quite a while. We live together and he has a daughter from a previous marriage. She is 6 years old I've been around her since she was 5. My boyfriend's marriage ended 3 years ago, from that marriage he had his daughter and also his ex-wife had a son from a previous relationship, which he took care of from the time the boy was 2 till he was 5. Both kids have the same moms but different dads. The boys' dad is not really around too much and still looks at my boyfriend as a "step Father" figure. My boyfriend does not have custody of his daughter yet but im sure he will have custody of her soon ( that is another story we will get into). His daughter visits with us every weekend, sometimes the boy comes too. At first it was a little awkward and it felt kind of weird to me but after we talked about it, I guess i just didnt think it was that bad. He doesn't come up every weekend just on occasion. My boyfriends Daughter and I get a long really well and we are actually really close I love that little girl to death and she tells me all the time she cant wait for me to marry her daddy. Seems like a good thing and that the situation is PERFECT... but you see my boyfriend suffers from DPS...Divorced Parent Syndrome.. Now lets get into the nitty gritty... His daughter is most definately a daddy's girl, she loves her dad to pieces, but he happens to baby her to no end. Some weekends its bad. IF she whines enough she gets it... She won't go to the bathroom by herself when he's around, She wants held all the time when he's around. She won't go to bed in her bed by herself he has to lay with her until she falls asleep and in the morning she usually is in bed with us, She won't get dressed by herself when he's around, she really acts like a baby when he's around. My boyfriend works on saturday and im off on the weekends so me and his Daughter hang out at home on the weekends till he gets off, when he's not around shes a completely different person she's way more independent and when i tell her no shes fine and listens but when he's around no is not an option. she's disrespectful when he's around calls people ugly, never says thank you and just flat out tells you no. She is a really shy little girl but I'm pretty sure its only because she is babied too much! We have talked about this and because she might be living with us sooner than we think. I want to get things the way they should be. I have talked to him about it and he has opened his eyes to some things but still babies her way too much I know Rome wasnt built in a day but I know this girl is better than that and I just dont know how to make him see that. Im extremely good with kids and I was in a relationship previous to this one where i was actually engaged and took care of my ex's 2 little boys from the time they both were 2 weeks old and 1 year old untill they were almost 4 and 5 since the Mom was completely worthless and always MIA....long story short with that.. it ended due to my ex being a, excuse me for saying this a COMPLETE JACKASS.. back to my original story... WHen we do talk about this he is extremely sensitive when it comes to talking about his daughter and i get that. I try not to be mean but am i wrong for wanting him to get a grip on things? And start making her go to bed by herself whether he has to put on a movie or read her a story or whatever... I mean she is gonna be 7 soon and I think thats a little old to still have your dad lay down with you till you fall asleep and have to sneak out to try and not wake you, 7 is definately too old to have your dad go to the bathroom with you, and its definately time to start being more independent.. I know she can do it because again when its just me and her she is not like that at all!! So please someone give me some advice to rid my boyfriend of his DPS
Most people refer to what
Most people refer to what your fiance is doing as guilty parenting. I don't have much experience with it as others do except my XH can be sometimes.
Like you said, Rome wasn't built in a day so I would take one issue at a time. First, work on the bathroom issue. I would just tell him that she's too old for her dad to be walking her into the bathroom. She can and does go by herself all other times...ie when she's with you and at school. I'd work on that first. If she really needs help then you can go into the bathroom and help her. Then work on the bedroom routine. Maybe a bedtime story or two then lights out. This is more of a universal problem then a guilty divorced parent problem. Your main issue is going to be convincing fiance that needs to be dealt with. He may or may not agree.
The rude comments can be corrected by a simply by gently correcting her. Not with angry emotion. You are an adult role model after all. If fiance has a problem with you doing this let him come to you.
Sometimes it is about
Sometimes it is about approach. If you're saying "you're babying her. she can do that her self and does when you're not here", he hears "you're a lousy parent and I can do it better". We all know that isn't your intention, but men and women are different and bioparents vs. stepparents often start a defensive stance. Maybe try "I realize you want to spend as much time as you can with sd and I know how much you love her, so this is really hard for me, but I think you need to let her be a little more independent. I feel like you are missing out on the best of her because you're missing the look of awe and self-esteem when she learns to do something new for herself because you don't set expectations for her". The more expectations we have for our kids, the more they achieve, what parent doesn't want that for their child? He can't argue that, right? This is how I approached it with my dh and he heard it a lot easier. It will suck at first (prepare him for that) because she'll throw a fit and want to continue the status quo but if he can stick it out, he'll start to see improvement and be able to praise her and let their relationship grow in a better, more healthy way and she'll be so much better for it because she'll learn responsibility, independence and respect.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Thank you for that!! I think
Thank you for that!! I think thats a great approach because i pretty much said the exact thing as far as the first thing you said...and he took it exactly the opposite of what i was trying to say.. I know he wants the best for her and so do i. I know SD is capable and really is a smart girl!! I appreciate your advice! Im going to try doing it this way.. We will see how it goes..
Let me know! "A pessimist
Let me know!
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Well it actually went pretty
Well it actually went pretty well.. He actually asked me for help when i took this approach. He actually asked question on how he could achieve this and even asked what if she doesnt like it or what if she throw a fit.. I simply just told him she needs the consistency in her life and also that it wasnt going to be a walk in the Park and that she would probably throw a fit at first because she is used to you doing these things for her when your around so its going to be a big adjustment for her but it will eventually get easier. Im glad this talk went well and SD6 has actually been pretty good about it, she has thrown a few fits but I think this could be a good thing.. Thanks again so much for your advice
That is awesome. Also, when
That is awesome. Also, when he needs her to do something for herself, maybe he could try "can you do daddy a big favor?..." My dh does this a lot and SD doesn't realize she is actually do something for herself.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
It was going really well
It was going really well then last night he did a total relapse with it and this morning asked me how its my business and how it affects me..He told me if she lived with us it would be different and he wouldn't baby her, he said he just doesn't want to fight with her in the short few days he has her. I was kinda hurt by him saying this, He feels like I'm just talking down to him and i feel like he just pushes everything i say to the side like its not an issue. Im not telling him how to raise his daughter but she's 6 almost 7 I'm pretty sure its time to start going to bed by your self, getting dressed in your room by your self, and going to the bathroom by your self. I feel like he is making her to dependent on him because when he's around she does nothing for her self when its just me and her i hardly have to do anything for her she asks for help when she needs it. SD and I have a very good relationship and we hardly ever butt heads she's a good girl i just feel like DH is missing out on everything she can do for her self. I feel like i should just let it go and maybe I'm over stepping my boundaries with this issue. I'm so frustrated and sick to death of fighting over this...
I am sorry to hear that.
I am sorry to hear that. Relapses aren't unusual though. First, it is your business because you live there too. Do you plan on having children with him? Would you be uncomfortable with him raising them this way? Would he think it is fair to baby and give SD the same or more opportunities than children with you without the same expectations and consequences? If she is with him 7 days or week or 7 hours a week, he is her parent. It is understandable that he doesn't want to fight with her. He shouldn't fight with her. Fighting with her means it is a negotiation. He should be telling her (because he is her parent) and then expecting her to do it. How is she supposed to grow if he doesn't expect her to grow? Here is what I would tell him "You're right. If you want her to be dependent on you and miss out on the experience of joy and pride because she did something new, that is up to you. I will back off (this will be hard, but if he won't budge, you have no choice), but please don't expect me to babysit or be responsible for her in your absence because it is unfair for you to expect me to parent in a way with which I am uncomfortable and it is unfair for her to have different expectations." See - IT DOES AFFECT YOU! He can't have it both ways. He's right, this isn't about YOU, it is about you having enough interest in HIS daughter's future to help him. How will she learn modesty if he is around her naked at 7? They certainly don't help her go to the bathroom at school. He is setting her up to expect the rest of the world to cater to her needs and when they don't she is not going to know how to cope with the disappointment. What is bm like? Is she dependent, needy, etc.? Does he want her to grow up like that?
If he refuses to see it your way, you have two choices 1) move on or 2) accept that he is missing out on her very best. He will miss so many firsts and he will regret it some day. And she will have no respect for him because she can get him to do whatever she wants. It is sad really, but you can't make someone change. If he is afraid of fighting with her, that says it all. He doesn't want to be her parent, he wants to be her pal, which means he'll skip the responsibility and miss the reward. But YOU should refuse to do anything that she is capable of doing for herself. Don't argue it, just don't do it whether he is there or not. Find a hobby and engage yourself in that while he caters to her and when he is finished catering and wants your attention say "I am sorry, I am busy now. I expected to spend this time with you, but you were busy and I got engaged in something else". My dh used to let SD drag bedtime on way past 8pm until I made it clear to him that "intimate" time was dependent on prompt bedtimes because once I got engaged in "law & order" the window of opportunity closed. Find something that affects him and connect the dots on how it is YOUR issue and therefore HIS issue.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
ahh yes the BM.. BM was
ahh yes the BM.. BM was adopted and she has a mom who bought her a brand new car and when she can't seem to find a way to make ends meet mommy is right there to fork out money. Bm instead of paying for daycare pulls SD out of school 4 times a week and has made SD Truant at school...they had to send truancy letters to her and the principal had to talk to her about Sd attendance....truancy letters arent sent until kids miss atleast 15 days. She's in kindergaten and might have to repeat it because her mom can't find other ways. DH offered to help but she wanted him to hang out at her house until it was time for her son and SD to go swimming at 5:30 DH obvioulsy told her no and explained if she wanted the help to take it or leave it. When we first started seeing each other BM would ask DH for money for cigarettes right in front of me like he was still obligated to give her money. So yes, she is really dependent. She's really a nice person to me, but she is completely helpless when a challenge is put infront of her. She never wants to deal with anything. SD was sick on monday and she txted DH to call her off of school because she didn't want them to question her. She tells SD and her son about how hard up for money she is and SD comes here worried about it and acts all depressed sometimes about it, seriously a 6 year old needs to know about your finances?!....SD does do things for herself at BM's house she has her own bedroom, she sleeps in by herself and gets dressed and goes to the bathroom by herself. BUT her brother is there and he is 8, sometimes he comes and stays the weekend too and SD is independent even when DH is around. I've noticed that when our nieces and nephews come over to stay the night or any kids for that matter even when DH is around as long as their are other kids besides her here she is independent then also when its just me and her. But the second its just us three its totally different. I don't ever let her tell me what to do. Sometimes she tries to pull that card but i just look at her and ask her if i look like her dad.. she giggles and then goes and does whatever she was trying to get me to do. She is like a different person when he is around sometimes.. Even if he falls asleep on the couch on sunday after noon and its just me and her that are up she's real independent.
Im real hesitant on not doing anything for him though and backing off beause i know SD would not be cool with that and would be angry with DH. If he picks her up and im not their she starts freaking out and asking where im at. As far as the getting engaged in something while he caters to her i do that I'll start playing solitare or something and he comes in puzzled like what are you doing? Its frustrating.....
"Im real hesitant on not
"Im real hesitant on not doing anything for him though and backing off beause i know SD would not be cool with that and would be angry with DH. If he picks her up and im not their she starts freaking out and asking where im at."
GOOD - let it be frustrating to him. Let her throw fits and let him deal with her anger! Explain to BOTH of them that this is how it will be until they BOTH change their behavior. It isn't your job to make either of them comfortable. If he won't dole out consequences to her, then he needs to suffer the consequences of that decision.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Soverysad - AWESOME
Soverysad - AWESOME advice!!
JDS - I would just pick one thing and work on it. Probably the bathroom issue is what I personally would focus on. And I would sit down with SD and explain to her that as soon as she's shown you what a big girl she is by going to the bathroom by herself, you can start rewarding her with privledges that only big kids get, like getting to read in bed for a half hour after bedtime. My kids really respond to this approach. When she has that consistently under her belt, move on to the next thing. She's still just a little girl and it would be hard for her to change all kinds of behaviors at once. And apparently, it's hard on dad's to change all at once too!
Good idea. Also, instead of
Good idea. Also, instead of laying in bed with her, set up a bedtime routine "brush, bath, story, lights out". Creature gets "special daddy playtime" if she can brush, bathe and dry her hair in an appropriate amount of time without help. Major incentive because it is uninterrupted time where she can choose the activity.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
I have suggested one issue
I have suggested one issue at a time.. We are working on the bathroom thing right now. Last night when DH and SD came home she said i gotta go to the bathroom and started going by herself then turned around and said "dad come with me" he told her no you can go by yourself and then she said I'll pee on the couch then and sat there he said no you cant do that so she goes then come with me they went back and forth for like 5 min then SD started to cry then DH goes "ok i'll go with you this time and then thats it". All SD cares about is right now she knows if she gets it her way this time she can work on him again the next time. Today its just been me and SD allll day and i haven't been in the bathroom with her today except to pop in and make she she wasnt drowning in the bath. Not once has she asked me either. She just says ill be back i gotta potty and thats it...
I would have let her pee her
I would have let her pee her pants and made her sit on a wood chair in wet pants for 1/2 an hour. Going back and forth is a negotiation and she knows it will work. he needs to stop engaging in the back and forth. this is how it should have gone "no, go yourself." "then, I'll pee on the couch". "then you'll be in trouble" and he should walk away at that point. Arguing with a child is absurd. he needs to start being an adult or he'll raise a mini-bm and when she gets older these "negotiations" will be about boys sleeping over and buying new cars.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
ahh thank you.. I told him
ahh thank you.. I told him this exact same thing. Sometimes i feel like as long as she doesnt disrespect me, and our relationship is ok then i shouldn't worry about it. If DH wants her to walk all over him and he likes being disrespected then fine go ahead. I know he doesnt like that though because he asks me all the time how i get her to do things on her own. I always tell him because we have a respect for each other and we understand whats acceptable and whats not. Sometime I think he's almost jealous that i get her to listen so easily but its always a fight for him even tho he's trying to be the "cool" parent. I told him kids want structure whether they say so or not. I feel so many different feelings on this subject i just don't know where to stop or where to begin..
Hi jds81288, I experience
Hi jds81288,
I experience this "guilty parent syndrome" with my bf too.
His daughter who is 7 was peeing in bed until she was 5 or 6.
She uses baby voice when she wants to get her way. She uses the baby voice a lot. Bf thinks it's cute. IT'S NOT.
She will direct all questions to her dad and act like I am not even in the room. Her BM does that too.
She is terrified that we will not give her enough food, so she piles food on her plate and constantly monitors how much others are eating. She freaks out if she does not get the last piece.
She has a tough time shuttling between homes, her mother is bipolar manic depressive who screams at her, neglects her or babies her, depending on her mood.
She seems utterly insecure and detached.
I have had many-many discussions about these issues with bf. Some discussions are logical, calm and somewhat productive, but for most part they are explosive. Like stepping on landmines. Bf gets instantly defensive and angry. He feels attacked and criticized. He feels like his daughter is being criticized. He does not understand that these are complaints about behavioral issues, not character. I feel that his daughter needs to develop social skills and skills to take care of herself and her surroundings. Who else is going to show her that? For sure not BM. If we do not deal with this now, it's going to be much harder later in life, to undue difficult dynamics.
I think parents to disservice to their children if they do not address these issues in a constructive, non-violent, compassionate way, when they come up.
She doesnt So much use a
She doesnt So much use a baby voice anymore..I think she is getting out of this stage. I sat down and had a talk with her a few weeks ago and basically told her that she was a big girl and its ok to do things by yourself and that her dad would be really proud of her if she could do these things by herself I also told her this is her house too and she can make herself comfortable and get in the cupboards if shes hungry and that she doesnt have to ask to get food, I also explained that we both love her and just want whats best for her i think this is also still a new place to her BF has moved around alot and I'm the first stable relationship he has had and this house we have is the first stable place she has had to come to when she comes to visit he has moved around a lot...For the most part some issues have been resolved and she does them by herself. She gets dressed by herself, takes a bath by her self(sometimes asks me for help), started drying her hair by herself, she started getting drinks and stuff by her self, he is working on the bed thing and its getting a little easier she doesnt sleep in our bed he explained to her that is our room and she has her bed, and that she has to sleep in her own bed. She doesnt sleep all through the night tho she wakes up at like 5 am and is up for the day when she sleeps by herself. Bf is getting real tired of this so i think he is going to want to get this under control soon. For the most part she goes to the bathroom by herself but when it gets dark she doesn't want to go by herself so she will have him walk up the steps with her and stand outside the door while she goes. Its getting easier and we havent been arguing about it as much or really at all. He felt like i was attacking him and I did come off that way at first, he took it as i was saying he was a bad parent obivously that wasnt what i was saying but we talked it out and I just stopped pointing things out and eventually he seen it on his own and came up with his own plan on how to fix things. But her BM doesnt exactly help things she just doesnt pay much attention to her and when she's here she craves attention and is always stuck up my butt. Wants to do everything with me, last week she told me she wished i was her mommy. She always tells me she wants to marry me. She just doesnt pull half the crap with me that she does her dad.. and i am glad abot that.. but she also knows i wouldnt let that fly with me. Things are progressing for the better...!
greenfig and jds81288.....I
greenfig and jds81288.....I have the same situation with my BF daughter almost 10 year old. She won't sleep in her room or use the bathroom that is on the end of the house that her room is on. She is coddled and babied by her father and grandmother and has a mother who doesn't care if she comes or goes...we have her full time. She does the same about directing all questions toward dad like I'm not there. She will ask him "What is for dinner" and then proceed to the usual..."I don't want/like that" then she'll have days when she is all about me and ignores him....weird kid sometimes. I have often felt that there was more going on with her than just being the most spoiled kid on the planet...maybe some kind of physical/mental disorder
I met my SD when she was 3,
I met my SD when she was 3, and DH and I got married when she was 4, now she is almost 6. She is such a good little girl, sometimes annoying like every kid on this planet, but in general she is a very nice girl. When I met her, that was a different story, DH had no sense of limits for her (at least not under my dictionary of boundaries and limits) but little bit little things changed. Ultimately as a parent, you need to understand that babying your child will only make things worse, you raise a dependable, bratty, annoying child. Don't try to work a thousand issues all at once. First one by one, for example:
1)Make sure she sleeps on her bed, you two as a team should talk to your SD and explain that big girls sleep in their rooms, ask her if she is a baby? and if she says no, explain that that's why she needs to sleep in her room, buy her a new night light, and a new book so her daddy can read to her before bedtime! Also, make sure she goes to bed before you guys, and she has a set bedtime (8 or 9, are usually the best time for a child that age to go to sleep) You need to explain to her that she will be in trouble if she goes to sleep in your bed. The worst thing a couple can have is no privacy, and having a little girl under your sheets is definitely a path to chaos.
2)After that issue is solved, move on to the next ones, she needs to use the bathroom and dress/undress herself privately without daddy's help. Explain to her that she is a big girl, (explain all the things that big girls get to do as opposed to babies) and she needs to be a big girl, big girls DO NOT need daddy's help to get undressed or dressed, after this is clear, of course, your BF needs to make sure that he follows through, if she asks for his help (and you know that she can do it herself) he should tell her no, you can do tht your self.
For all of this to happen, he needs to really understand WHY to do it, if he doesn't understand that, if he doesn't "see" why he needs to change, then nothing will be done, and professional help will be needed. He needs to see that this is definitely a BIG deal and his behavior will have consequences...
He needs to realize that he can even lose you, beacause you are not going to put up with SD's bullS$%T eventhough you love her, every kid needs order and control, even the greatest child can end up as the greatest brat with no rules and no control
DO NOT STAY with a man that is not willing to say "no" to his daughter. My husband had a lot of trouble saying no, but you should see him now, he is the master of "no" we are such a great team (for the most part) and there are a lot of rules in our house that SD follows.
Best of luck with the beginning of this process.