I don't think you are going to make much progress until you and DH can compromise on discipline and boundaries. If you are going to step in that role as well, you and him have to be on the same page or else you will just have a good cop bad cop scenario which will add to the unpleasant tension that sometimes is step parenting. I think once you guys can come up with a layout on what each of you are comfortable with on discipline and punishment you can set forth a system of consequence/reward with SD.

DH and I had to have this conversation as well. We have a very intricate setup for SS6. It has kept it under control--but you have to be on the same page and have a united front.

Until that comes to fruition tho.. wine. Lots of wine. I make sure I have a bottle per stepkid for good measure. JK. But I seriously would talk to DH about what you and him should do.

How can someone "become a stepmom" without investigating what they are signing up for? The OP doesn't say what the nature of her relationship with father actually is, but I'm suspecting this is a new GF just realising the guy comes as a package, complete with snarky stinky kid.

Never had the desire to be a mother? Then don't choose a guy with a kid. You are not going to change the two of them one little bit.

OP, you may not care for some of the comments you're receiving, but the members commenting so far collectively have in the ball park of one hundred years of stepping experience. Some like myself have been around long enough to have skids that are now adults, and we've watched the drama and dysfunction carry on through the generations.

You need to get real and accept certain truths before you can effectively deal with the situation you've chosen for yourself. No sugarcoating, no saying the past is the past because the past is about to bite you and your DH in the butt.

You chose a man with a lot of dysfunction and baggage. A man who abdicated his parenting responsibilities not once, but twice, and now has the feral booby prize daughter to show for it. I'm betting he has absolutely zero parenting skills, while you, despite having no kids, are able to recognize his daughter's deficits. I have been in a similar situation, and know every pitfall lying in front of you.

Your ONLY hope of making this work is if your H is committed to being a parent. If he isn't willing to put in the VERY difficult, CONSISTENT, exhausting work turning this kid around will require, there is little hope for saving this kid and your relationship will suffer under the strain. Don't let him dump the parenting in your lap, or think you're helping if you do it for him. HE is the parent, and you are merely support. If he isn't interested in parenting, then disengagement or moving on to healthier pastures are the only healthy choices.

This child has issues that far exceed your joint skill set. She is no doubt struggling with grief, resentment, anger, and feelings of abandonment. Your H should be seeking professional support & training to give him the necessary tools to parent effectively, including parenting classes (you both should go to be on the same page) and family counselling to help with this transition. The two of you need to decide what your expectations are for living in your home, draw up a list of house rules, and go over them with his daughter. At best, you have only seven years to prepare this child for independence.

Lastly, you absolutely must avoid getting sucked too far into this messed up situation. Detachment is crucial for your own mental health. You can't fix this for your H, and do not need to become the warden or scapegoat. Research Drama Triangle and think about his it could apply to you, your H, and his daughter.

Hon - your problem is your husband - you work full day, so does he, but why can he come home and do nothing while you raise his daughter..

immediately stop it, and send SD to DH if she wants something.... hand over the parenting reigns to DH and bust his balls to parent

Well Bioparents struggle with the tweeners being slobs. That is nothing new. Girls tend to be better, but both of my kids don't listen to clean-up. I've got friends that say reminding their adolescent about deodorant etc. give it time, you have the advantage of no outside interference and she will come around. Take time to be the cool big sister or Aunt and try to teach her how to be a young lady! Keep in mind that she hasn't had the mothering influence and at this point is moving into a confusing time for any child.