FSS about to fall down the rabbit hole...
and I have no idea what to do. I met this boy 2.5 years ago, and he's always been a sweet, thoughtful, caring (albeit a bit lazy and unfocused) 16yo boy. Since the beginning of this year (01/2011), he's tried to hack my itunes and steal my cc info, and has stolen an xbox from our home (the xbox was his, but he lost it for not doing homework. He was working on earning it back; apparently he gave up on earning and went straight to taking). His mother is his CP, and he's here six days a month eowe. When my FDH emailed BM with what was going on, her response was to shut down her email account (trust me, there was no anger/inappropriate content. Just "hey, our son is doing stuff he shouldn't be doing. How are we going to fix it?"). Things are not looking good for our heroes....tune in in two weeks for the next installment of Teenager DropZone.
On the plus side, FDH's first response to realizing his son had stolen from us was to say "We can't have him here anymore. I won't bring someone we can't trust into this house...into your house." Yea FDH!!!! On the other hand, I don't want to write FSS16 off. Up until recently, he's been a good kid and I hate to think what will happen to him if he keeps on this path. I have no reason to think BM is going to step up to the plate, and with only six days a month I just don't think there's much we can do to re-rail this runaway train. If anyone here has any thoughts/ideas/inputs, I'll gladly take them. I don't want to write him off as lost, but I don't want to drown trying to save him either.
You can have an impact 6 days
You can have an impact 6 days a month, especially if his mom chooses to do nothing. I would continue to see the boy but there would be consequences for his behavior. If he steals something he must work around the house on the weekend he is there to earn back the money for it's replacement. He needs to know that you and DH care enough about him to attempt to correct his behavior. Just writing him off will only reinforce any negative things BM may be saying about you, and will just show him that his behavior (and he) is not even worth addressing to you. It's an uphill fight, but most are. It's not really about winning its about making an impact. It's not always easy but when it comes to kids I think it's necessary.
If you're the only stable
If you're the only stable environment he knows, you'll have more impact than you realise, Mama becky is right. Perhaps its time to have a sit down talk with your stepson. Letting your husband do all the talking, explain that while he will always be welcome to stay at your home, he must follow the rules of your home. Making clear that certain poor behaviours will have specific outcomes as punishment will help him far more than leaving him to his mother. Not only that, but you'll know you and your partner are doing the right thing by his development too. It will be tough, but as you and your husband aren't putting your heads in the sand you can prepare for it.
He has already stolen from you, make sure you have a plan of action should he do the same (or similar) again. Having plans in place for possible behaviours make them so much easier to deal with.
Don't feel like you are on your own. When you're in a situation where you feel powerless, the best thing to do is work with the information you've got. You know the scope of his behaviour - he's sweet but misguided, he has stolen from your home and he lacks a good support base (his bm). Use this information to get the right tools to help him, look for local youth workers in your area, search online, buy parenting books that focus on troubled teens (there are tons out there). It might sound like fighting a hurricane with a pedestal fan, but seeking advice from other sources will equip you to deal with those six days a month, especially when the times get tough.
It's wonderful that you are prepared to do what's best for your stepson, and that you can see through the bad behaviour to the kid inside.
Best of luck with everything!
Delilah
www.howtolivewithaliens.blogspot.com
Thank you both Mamabecky and
Thank you both Mamabecky and DelilahS. We're going to sit down with him, explain we know what he's done, why it's not acceptable, and what the punishment will be for those behaviors going forward. We'll have him pay for putting a lock on our bedroom door. He won't be allowed to be alone in any part of the house, except his room at night to sleep, for the next three visits. Whoever is up first, will get him up and he'll need to be in the same room with them, whatever they are doing (except the bathroom). He won't be allowed to stay here by himself at all; we leave the house for an errand, he goes along. We'll revisit after three visits, and see if he can earn time alone back. Going forward, though, FSS will not be home alone with me, at all. His dad travels for work, so if Dad leaves on a trip during the visit, he goes home to mom. FDH and I are also going to find a counselor for troubled teens and see if we can learn how best to cope with the issues that are going to arise ('cause I don't think this is over yet. The worst is yet to come).
With these types of restrictions, it's possible he'll choose not to come on visitation, but it's the best I've got and I figure there's a huge difference between us saying he can't come, and him choosing not to come.