Annoyed that his Step kids call him all the time
Hi,
I would like your advice on a situation that is annoying me. I think I'm turning into an evil SM and I would appreciate any advice that could help me change my perspective on this matter or ideas on to change this pattern.
DH sees his kids (SD15, SS12 and SD8) 2 weekends out of 3. Mine (DS17 and DS12) are with us every other week.
Knowing that he does not see his children very often, my reaction of being annoyed when they call does not seem acceptable.
On weekends where he does not have custody of the kids, they call (facetime) him 4 to 5 times per day. During the week, it's normally one or twice per day. And that's outside the text messages that they send him. I feel that his phone is always ringing or vibrating. At first, I was always insisting he anwsered because the kids might need something (validate coming plans to make their own, forgot someting, etc...) but it is never that. It is always just to say hi, I miss you, look at what I'm wearing, at what I did... If he does not answer, they just keep calling and calling.
The accumulation is getting on my nerves and I'm starting to get pissed off because I feel that we are always interrupted. My DH is annoyed by their behaviour also but his solution was to turn off his phone. I do not agree with this solution as I would prefer that he discusses this with them. I know that they are reaching out of love and really do miss their father so I feel guilty for even being annoyed.
Did anyone ever go through something similar? Is it normal that children call the other parent that often? Is this something that will doze off eventually or do I just have to learn to live with this?
Thank you for your help!
Nah. It IS annoying when
Nah. It IS annoying when skids call and text constantly. My skids text non-stop. Texts have come in first thing in the morning (6:30 am) while we're doing it...talk about a mood killer. During dates. During dinner. It's just dumb, constant stuff like funny videos, memes, and cute animal pics. Partly, it's annoying because even though I'm an involved stepmom, I'm not included in these little group texts...so it's just one more reminder that I'm not "real" family. But what do I say? Could you ask your kids not to text you a group text unless I'm in it? Sounds petty. Plus, I don't really want to get the texts. I'm present when the kids are present...but, man, do I ever forget about them the second they go back to their mom's
Anyway. These feelings are normal. My skids are older (20, 18, 16) and they still do the constant texting...but mostly the 16-year-old. I think it's what they're used to...how they communicate with their friends constantly. If it continues once they're more launched, I may start to have a real problem with it. When I was at college, we had cell phones just barely and texts were expensive. I called my parents once a week, on a schedule...and I was really too busy to call more. I don't really get the COD calling & texting thing as they get older.
Anyway, You're not evil. Not only does it interrupt your time with DH, it also excludes you. Of course that feels crappy and annoying.
Hi SuperJew, no I'm actually
Hi SuperJew, no I'm actually not annoyed with the skids. I really enjoy spending time with them and look forward to their visit everytime. And I do not mind the texting. It's really the constant phone calls where they expect him to answer right away. And just to be clear, when I said 4 to 5 calls per day, it is per child...although SS does not call as much. So we got about 10 calls this past Saturday and 10 calls on Sunday. I was going out of my mind!
No I was not happy that DH turned off his phone. I do not see how ignoring them is a good solution. In my opinion it can only lead to frustration on their part.
I will try to relax. I do see your point of view and I do agree that it would be worst if they did not want to talk to him at all.
Thanks for your input!
I could see how that would be
I could see how that would be annoying if it's constant.
He should lay down some boundaries for them. Either time frames that he's available to talk to them, or times that he is not available. Maybe he should be telling them, hey it's dinner time, I won't be available for the next hour. Or he could have a certain time that he shuts his phone down for the evening, but he should definitely communicate that to the kids so they know they won't be able to contact him after a certain time. Or the opposite of that, he could try to schedule longer amounts of time to talk to them each night, maybe 30 minutes, every night at 6pm, and that's their opportunity to talk and catch up, then the phone goes off.
It's great that he seems to have good communication and closeness with his kids, but constantly being interrupted is terrible. This seems like an easy fix, but the kids need to be communicated what the new status quo is so they're not blindsided.
I see no problem with his
I see no problem with his texting you all day. I do see a potential problem if you feel the need to have your phone in front of your face 24/7 so you won't have to wait 30 seconds to view/respond to each text.
Not saying that you do any of this - but I find it very obnoxious when people stop to read texts in the middle of a business transaction, while receiving services from a doctor, dentist or other medical professional, having a conversation with a friend or even say in the middle of giving or receiving a performance review with a boss or subordinate. Or while driving - maybe the worst in terms of danger.
I don't know if you are employed outside the home - but most employers prefer than you do your active parenting outside of business hours. A short message once or twice a day on business time is okay - but not non-stop. Many companies that allow work at home situations require child care be arranged for younger children during business hours. One is being paid to work - not to parent on company time.
I do see a big difference
I do see a big difference between texting and calling though. Text messages do not interrupt anything at all. It is perfectly fine and you can acknowledge them at a moment of your choice. Phone calls are very disturbing, to me anyways, because they require immediate attention.
I agree with you on principle
I agree with you on principle - but some people seem to have the mistaken impression that text messages must be read and answered immediately.
Me - I do not answer texts or phone calls until it is convenient. I get phone calls all the time when I am driving - I refuse to dig out my phone and answer the phone while driving.