Help me get over the INSANITY!!!!!!!!!
Last post I had was over bm moving out of current bf's house, moving in with sil, and re-enrolling ss in our school district. He went to our school last year, and a couple of weeks prior to school starting, she refused to return him to us, enrolled him at her school, and last week asked for our address to enroll him back in our school.
Last week, she pulled my ss out of school, and dropped him off at sil's house. He has been there for 5 days with NO change of clothes!!! He doesn't even have a tooth brush! For FIVE days!!! This a.m. she tried putting him back in our school, but of course she doesn't have the paperwork together, so again, he is not attending school today.
You want to know what is killing me? She is talking about moveing BACK in with bf!!!! Note to self: bf's house is a 45 minute commute to our school every day...and bm is really thinking that this is a good idea...move back in with bf, while ss is in our school...
She changes her mind every 5 seconds, and all we can count on is her deciding the worst!!!
Do you.. .
Have you been keeping track of all this.. How unstable is she for this little boy..
I must say since I was divorced I made some errors along the way so I will not try to be perfect, I moved a few times with my kids and all that.. But I am stable and a much better person for some of my mistakes.. And the mistakes I made I did not make them twice. I made mistakes we all do.. This woman however seems to me that she is only putting her feelings first.. She needs to re=think her thoughts and let the SS move back into your home with you and his father so he can get the grasp of a stable life.. IF anything he at least needs to see some especially right now.. Wow.. I feel for you. Is there anyway that you could bluff her into signing SS over to you guys? I do not mean to sound mean or anything to your SIL but what is she thinking.. She is not helping in any case. Only that the SS is there and she is taking care of him. Maybe she could testify for you and husband if you take back to court.
Well i wish you peace tonight..
I have documented before..
but it never helps. In my state, which is so pro-mom, our attorney said "BM is a bad mom but not bad enough.."
The sil is not helping, and she loves drama, and bm brings it to her. And don't you think when your nephew has spent 5 days at your house with no change of clothes that you might mention it to your brother? I mean we have a couple items of clothing that we could have sent over there...hell, did she think to put some clothes in the wash?
BM is smart enough that she couldn't be tricked into signing ss over to us, yet, she isn't smart enough to make decisions for him in what is in his best interests. We would never keep ss from her if she were a stable parent, but come on..the facts are in, she is unstable!!!
The problem is she is a selfish parent, and totally in denial about herself. I called the therapists this a.m., and he even stated, "we could have a meeting, but I will tell you that I don't think it will help. She is in total denial..."
We all make mistakes as parents, but we usually learn from them. That is what normal people do. Unfortunately, bm is not normal, and that is what I am struggling with. I'm not saying that she has to walk a tight rope and never experience mistakes. But to deliberately and intentionally make poor decisions based on her desires, rather than what is in ss's best interests is just piss poor parenting!!!
Selfish
She definately sounds like she is making very selfish decisions. It also sounds like her life is spinning out of control. Too bad she just can't see that if your ss stayed with you for awhile, she might be able to get her act together and start making better decisions and a better life for ss when he is with her.
She needs to start thinking about what is best for ss! The therapist route worked for us. She was able to get biomom to see that what she was doing and the way she lived was not good for ss. Good luck and hang in there!
Dawn
You nailed it on the head!
BM is incredibly selfish, and always has been. She has children to use them for her own selfish gain, and when that blows up in her face, she talks disrespectfully of her kid's fathers just to make herself not look so bad.
I did call the therapists yesterday to see what he thought of this situation. He called it crazy! But he did say to me that he would call bm to see if she would meet us in a meeting to try to make better decisions for ss. He didn't think it would work. BM is in denial of her own actions, and even if we discussed making better decisions in the meeting, she would put on a fake face, agree, then walk out the door doing the same thing she has always done before. Not only is she selfish, but tragically she believes all her problems are everyone else's fault or doing.
She will never start thinking of her children, provide for them, or make decisions that are in their bests interest. This will always be the case.
SS is still staying with sil, and he will start in our school tomorrow. BM won't keep him in her school district, as I found yesterday, the kids were picking on ss, so instead of toughing it out, he is going to run. So BM thinks that she is going to commute him in everyday (45 minutes) to our school.
I broke down and offered to my dh if he wanted to offer and let ss stay with us temporarily until bm figures out what she wants to do, then I will be okay with that. I really don't want ss living with us because it's so difficult disciplining him because bm runs to his rescue, and he just plays one parent against the other. And now I found out she doesn't want him living with her because she doesn't want to deal with him at all, so she has been dumping him off at sil's house just so she doesn't have to parent him. She is literally the worst parent I have ever laid my eyes on.
I'll keep everyone posted as the events change. Thanks for your thoughts and wishes. They help me everyday!!
Man, Candice...
You're living my life!
We've gone through the same issues. My SS's BM moved over an hour away. At first, she thought she was going to commute too, but drama drama drama goes on, and now, we have SS living with us. It's better for us in the long run. However, we're now finding that BM is taking SS out of school early on Fridays... hmmm.
We've arranged for BM to drop SS off at school Monday mornings, and she picks him up after soccer practice on Fridays, so she keeps him for the weekend only. So far, our life has been alittle better. She used to be pretty presistent about calling every day in and day out, 'keeping' contact of SS... well, we only have one phone line, so I pretty much 'tie up the line' now. lol. It's totally crub her calling and vcmsg fanatics. She's realized now that SS is perfectly fine without her now. Anyone that knows us calls our cell anyway, so it works fine. I just cringe whenever I hear her voice on our answering machine... so snotty and condecending. Sad thing is that SS hears it all, but never says anything. I know it affects him.
Amazing!!!
I just will never understand how these bm's can be so selfish, and self absorbed.
The other day, bm called. She is still in the midst of breaking it off with bf. She live 45 mintues away, yet has enrolled ss in our school. She calls to ask if she can drop ss off at 7:15 so he can walk to school from our house. No problem. Guess what? No show!!!
Don't worry I didn't go out of my way for anything, did my normal routine. This of course is hers...make plans and never follow through no matter what type of inconviences it creates for others...
It is in ss's best interest to live with us b/c we are the only ones with any type of structure, however, bm says "he isn't happy living with you.." I of course told her.."it aint about making ss happy, it is about making decisions for ss that are in his best interests.." it will never sink in though.
Sorry to hear your ss hears his moms stress in her voice. We always try to vocalize to ss not to "worry". He always does though b/c his mom is such a wreck!
Yeah, it's the kids that suffer
unfortunately. You sure that your BM isn't my SS's BM's sister or something? lol...
Ya Know...
bm truly doesn't know her bd b/c her mother couldn't remember his name...so there is always a chance!!! They probably are sisters!! 4 sure!
Why would it ever not be
Why would it ever not be about making the kid happy? If he isn't happy living with you, maybe you need to look at why. Just because you take better care of him does not mean he has to be unhappy.
Update again on ss
BM called yesterday...ss is still living with other family members, not bm or dad, and still attending our school. He calls once per week bugging us to throw him a bday party, yet he talks trash about us to everyone. I said "Hell NO.." we can do a "family" celebration at our house for a bday party, but no friends.
Well, now bm wants to try 50/50 split..2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. We are willing to try, but bm always changes her mind, and that is what I can't deal with.
She has said to me before, she would rather communicate with me instead of dh, which I feel she is being geniune, so I decided to try to talk to her about it. Not too worried about pissing her off by talking to her, b/c we really have nothing to lose...he doesn't come over right now, and doesn't live with us, so what really do we have to lose?
Anyhow, just wanted to update on how crazy her life is...man oh man..I can't believe how some people live!!!
Update #3 on ss
Well...so far it is official..bm and I talked last night, and she desperately wants ss to live with us. I told her we really needed committment from her (she is characteristic to send ss to us, then when he is disciplined, she can't stand him nagging her, so she takes him back from us to avoid his complaining all together). We are going to do this for 6 months, and then re-assess.
Bm actually admitted this to me on the phone.."I know I'm screwing everything up! I just don't know how to fix things!" Yupe...
I explained to her how we really needed to be consistent, and when others undermine us, then it compounds our frustration, and so far she said she would help us out more often.
Another thing she, and many family members of hers have stated..."he behaved so much better when he was living with you guys!" Yeah, we put in all the grunt work so you can actually enjoy being around your own kid, and just when things are starting to smooth out, you pull the carpet out from underneath us!" Way to go! Thanks for making everything so much more difficult!
We did agree on a couple of other things...that hers and my dh's family members are also undermining our authority. I asked her to help us put an end to that by limiting their access to ss. We will see.
So, we are trying this again...2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. Right now, bm is ready to pull her hair out, so maybe she will support us more.
I will keep you all posted!
Candice....
That is irritating...is she coming or going? I can't stand people like that. You poor thing. She is ruining this child, back and forth from school to school. Gosh what might the school think of her... Does your husband say anything, can't he put his foot down?
-happy mom
She doesn't know...
whether she is coming or going...and you are so right, it is irritating!!! Putting our foot down what we are trying to do, but it is very difficult, and often times just backfires. We usually just hope that things blow up in her face, then when she realizes she made a mistakes, she comes running back to us.
I am hopeful of one thing, she repeatedly admitted to me last night that she enjoyed her time with her son when he lived with us (b/c we did all the grunt work to straighten out his attitude problem) then she does right now. Which I accept as a compliment, but I just don't understand why she spins her wheels like this all the time!!!
How frustrating! Maybe this
How frustrating! Maybe this time she is finally ready to let go and support you.
Let us know how it goes.
Well ss is living with us 50/50
ss is 12, and thinks he makes his own decisions. BM and I discussed new living arrangements (I know dangerous territory...but bm states she prefers to talk with me b/c she feels I communicate better and make decisions faster - which is true - but dh doesn't make spontaneous decisions b/c he knows I will kill him). Anyhow, she stated "this doesn't have to be set in stone.." and I said yes it does for us to work with this. So we agreed for the next 6 months, ss will live at both homes rotating every 2 weeks. Our first week was suppose to start Sunday.
SS went to stay at a friends house in our neighborhood, and on Sunday he was suppose to walk to our house from his friends. Well Grandma shows up, picks up ss and takes him to another family members house without calling us and asking if this was okay! Furthermore, he stayed the night at this family members house, and this person didn't even bother to send him to school, or call us to come pick him up!!
I know, you are asking..why didn't you just go pick him up? Well, this family member is on bm's side of the family, moves real frequently, so we don't even know this person's phone #, or address, and didn't learn that ss was even going out there until late Sunday night. When he didn't show up at our house, we just figured that bm was flaking out. We were totally surprised that we got a phone call from the school stating that ss didn't attend school on Monday, which just sent my blood pressure thru the roof! How can these white trash idiots think it is acceptable to allow a 12 year old to not only make adult decisions, but allow him to just skip school for now F*@k!ng Reason!!!
My dh came into the bedroom this morning to ask my what should he write for an absent note...hmm. how about say this "Please excuse ss for being absent on Monday, he is related to a BUNCH of idiots that don't value education...so they just thought he could skip out..."
I'm going to the gym to sweat out this frustration!!!