When is it OK to disengage from abusive step children
I have a 21 year old son , my husband has ab13 year old daughter and a 16 year old son. I have been with their father for almost 6 years. I thought in time my step kids would respect our household more but its only getting worse. My SS is a lot taller and bigger than I am and got in my face and showed so much anger towards me. I thought he was going to hit me. We had an awesome relationship and its going down hill very rapidly the last year. Bio mom puts things in their head and lies so much I can't keep track. My step daughter blames me when her father doesn't drive an hour and a half to get her when bio mom demands he drives the full way despite court order of meeting half way. She constantly tells the kids that their father loves me more than them. They always used to vent about how "psycho" their mom is and how she makes them lie but they seem to accept it and learning to manipulate us. They lied to the doctor for court evaluations and I always forgave them but I feel like we are enabling them. My husband doesn't correct his kids behavior unless I say something. They notice this and I'm the bad guy. No matter what we provided in court of her parental alienation tactics, court system failed . now my step son is about to get kicked out of a great technical school because he lives with his grandparents who are rarely home. So much going on I don't know where to start. I recently disengaged with both of my step kids and my husband is disengaging because no matter how much we demand respecting our household. They get more and more dangerous physically and with their dangerous lies. At what extent do we draw the line?
Another note
Bio mom texted my husband that she gave "full authority" for her son to hit me. Step son told her that I hit him when he got in my face. They twist EVERYTHING.
Personally, I would never be
Personally, I would never be around him again and he would not be allowed in my home.
Bio mom is a piece of trash. Giving "full authority" to hit you? What kind of crap is that?
Is this a trick question? It
Is this a trick question? It's always okay to disengage from an abusive person, even a minor. In fact, next time call the police when he gets in your face.
And why is DH allowing his ex and his kids to bully you? I'd leave him so fast his head would spin.
^^^ This ^^^^
^^^ This ^^^^
What a ridiculous situation. I am surprised you need to ask whether it's OK to disengage or not. Have nothing further to do with SS - if is were me he wouldn't be allowed within 100 yards of me.
Anytime there is abusive behavior whether it's mental or
physical, it's not only ok to disengage, but to sever relationships entirely.
If you were afraid this SS was going to hit you, I would still file a police report, (be sure to include BM gives her blessing on SS hitting you) that way you are establishing a paper trail, and if you need to take it a step further and file a PO or RO on him, then the police will have the back story.
Self preservation is a must. Ask yourself if you'd accept this type of behavior from anyone else? I have learned that just because I am married to DH, doesn't mean I have to like his kids. It's not a contingency plan, it's a marriage, and had I not been married to him, and met SD on the streets, I would run in the opposite direction. So, if I woudln't have chosen to be her friend otherwise, why would I try now? I'm married to her father and that's the extent of our relationship. She flat out does not exist in my world. I refuse to take any of her abuse. She can keep searching for a new victim, I'm no longer it.
You might want to file a
You might want to file a police report to cover your a$$. If your SS told his mother you hit him, they could use that to try and get you in trouble. I wouldn't be alone with these kids or let them in your house again. Not only are they physically abusive, it seems like they would be willing to lie to get you in trouble. Trust me, you don't want to get slapped with assault charges or abuse allegations.
The line should have been
The line should have been drawn a long time ago. Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell. Your DH didn't draw the line when he should have, a long time ago, and, as usual in those situations, SM winds up paying the price. To be quite frank, it is only when DH gets it and starts making his children pay the price for their own toxic behavior that things change, not only for the better but for the betterment of all. Usually it takes for the SM to disengage for this to happen, because DHs usually don't see it with SM there as their buffer--these type of DHs usually have no problem accidentally or accidentally on purpose throwing their wife/ SM under the bus. Once SM is no longer around to "save" him, then DH, finally, gets to reap alone what he sowed and he doesn't like it.
You completely made the right choice to disengage. Hopefully your DH will now make the right choices, as in finally setting AND enforcing boundaries. BUT, sometimes it is too late to do so. Take care, and best of luck. SMs so often need it, because as you found out already, the court system will heavily favor any child's bio-mother. Now, she may be a saint, or she may be a drug-addicted ho. But either way the court system will heavily favor BM.
Abusive is the key and
Abusive is the key and powerful word here. Be sure to use it loudly and often when you have your long overdue come to Jesus with your H.
My DH was/is a completely passive non parent, but I'll tell you something - the one time his 15 yo son squared up with me, yelling and looming over me, I called DH at work, he dropped everything, raced the twenty odd miles home, and dealt with his son. He drew a hard boundary in order to protect me, and it went a loong way in keeping our marriage going.
It's called boundaries, and your H's kids know that their father has none so they're feral gremlins drunk on the power he's given away to them. You have every right to draw boundaries to protect yourself from them, especially since your H has shown that he won't. Tell your H that since he won't parent his kids, you'll have to step back for your own safety and insist he see them elsewhere.
The entire situation sounds out of control, which isnt unusual on StepTalk. These boards are filled with tales of skids raised by weak/passive/fearful/guilty parents. The fact that your BM eggs it all on is just par for the course. You have the right to a peaceful existence, did you know that? Don't let love or misplaced loyalty make you think you have to eat excrement. It sounds as if you've given your H plenty of opportunities to parent up, so maybe it's time for you to put on your bi!ch boots and draw some big brick boundaries for all of them.
Excellent advice Julie! Sure
Excellent advice Julie! Sure this isn't every parent's kid nowadays, "Feral gremlins drunk on the power Fill-in-the-blank has given away to them"? Just joking (I think?). But, put those bi!ch boots on, OP. Put 'em on and play the song, "These boots are made for walkin'." It's an oldie song by Nancy Sinatra, but, trust me, it'll really motivate you!
Next time he bows up on you
Next time he bows up on you knee him in the nuts and claw his eyes out. Self defense is justification for violent action.
No teen, no matter how large can function violently when they are trying to keep from puking up their nuts and crawling around searching blindly for their eyes.
If your DH did not whup that kid's ass and pitch him to the curb for threatening his wife you need to find a new husband.
smh
Take it.
Answer to your question is
Answer to your question is NOW.
Not welcome back into your home. PERIOD.