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Overwhelmed

SecondThoughts89's picture
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Hey everyone, I'm new here....just needed to vent and maybe get some advice on how to deal with this...

I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now, we've lived together for about one year. He is divorced and has one daughter (7) and a step daughter (15) from his marriage. Overall the relationship with his ex wife is peaceful but there's a few issues. Their parenting styles differ drastically (mom is more lenient, and tends to let the teenager do whatever she wants just to 'get her out of her hair' or avoid the fight, dad is more likely to keep her at home - her GPA last semester was 24% so...the lenient parenting is really not doing her any favours but....not my place to comment....

But that's not the basis of this story or my frustrations...

I'm wondering, how much involvement each of you was expected to have with the kids? Before you got married and now?

In general, I am very involved with the kids. They enjoy spending time with me and vice versa. Every weekend they are here I play with them, go for walks/movies/the mall and actively listen to them.

Of course, since I don't have any bio kids of my own,sometimes I do feel the need to do something for myself. Usually I plan these out so that they fall on non-kid weekends but it doesn't always work out that way. Two times, in particular I have made plans to do something for myself on a "kid weekend".

Both times their mother has laid into their dad about how "she (I -the dad's Girlfriend), should be taking responsibility".

This past weekend I had plans made to go to a convention that I was REALLY looking forward to. The boyfriend was supposed to have the kids, however he is stuck working for half of Saturday so he organized a sleepover for the little girl. Mom learns about this (I asked boyfriend to tell her, to keep lines of communication open, which I believe to be important) and her 2 cents was that "why isn't she looking after her while you're at work? She should take some responsibility". WTF????

It is not MY responsibility to parent your child. It is her father's...however, most weekends, I do it. She doesn't notice the effort I put in to getting to know her kids, the time I DO spend with them, the efforts that my family has put into caring for and welcoming her children into our family...only that I decided to do something for myself when she thinks I should be dropping everything to be the 'mother'.

Even during her parenting time she will decide that I should be doing something for the kids (I don't get her line of thinking because her live-in boyfriend does not do anything for the kids, yet I am expected to...she is the custodial parent and they have the kids full time. I am tired of this double standard)

I'm not the mother. They have a mother and I have no intention of taking that role away from her. But she seems intent on putting in that role... She simply wants to 'get rid' of the kids on those weekends (and more), it doesn't matter if "dad's parenting time" is spent with dad's girlfriend or dad as long as the kids are out of the house.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed and trapped. I've started thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend because I can't deal with this drama all the time.

How do you guys do this?

Monchichi's picture

"why isn't she looking after her while you're at work? She should take some responsibility". WTF???? <--- Politely but firmly ignore the BM. This is NOT your visitation and these are NOT your children. They are your partners and his responsibility.

Never allow this and do not be guilted in to this.

No saint's picture

Your responsibility is merely moral and as big as you want it to be. You have no obligation whatsoever in watching the kids ever! It's great that you get along great but you are entitled to a life of your own.
For the sake of your relationship, it's always better when the couple agrees on the responsibilities SM is supposed to take but if when you don't, my opinion is that it's up to you how much to engage/ take responsibility.

hereiam's picture

My SD is 23 now but she was 5 when DH and I got together. She was my responsibility NEVER.
I watched her once for a few hours when DH had to work on a Saturday.

Other than that, I did whatever the hell I wanted. If that was something with SD, fine, if not, so be it. She was there to spend time with her dad, after all, and he loved doing things with her. When she was with us, he took care of everything as far as she was concerned.

Ignore the BM, her kids are not your responsibility. Not physically and not financially. The sooner she gets that through her head, the better.

luchay's picture

What I want to know is what did your BF say to her when she went off about how YOU should be taking responsibility?

You and he need to discuss this and what you and he expect your role to be, and HE needs to tell her to STFU and butt out of your lives - she has NO say on what you do and don't do on his parenting time.

AllySkoo's picture

Both times their mother has laid into their dad about how "she (I -the dad's Girlfriend), should be taking responsibility".

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!! Oh wow, thank you, I needed that laugh!

OK, look, your problem here is not the BM. It's your boyfriend. He should NOT be making you feel "overwhelmed and trapped". And if he's expecting more from you than you're willing to give, that's a problem. The two of you need to sit down NOW and hash out what you think your role as SM should be. Have him list out everything he wants or would allow you to do. You make a list of everything you're *willing* to do (and cancelling your plans should NOT be on there). The stuff that's on both lists? That's your role. Nothing more - EVER.

Also, please note that BM's input is neither requested nor allowed during your meeting. She gets ZERO - zip, zilch, nada - say in what your role as SM is. If she has a problem she can address it with the kid's father, who can then either address it with you if it's a valid point (just for example, if she were to say she doesn't want you having the kids overnight on your own and you and your SO hadn't put that anywhere in your lists, you guys might have a conversation about where that falls for you - but BM does NOT get a "vote" even then, it's between you two), or tell her to fuck off if it's not.

For what it's worth, I like your approach with the kids - the Cool Aunt type figure. That's what I do as well, and it's worked quite well for me. A Cool Aunt might babysit (IF she's asked, nobody would dare just assume!), a Cool Aunt talks to the kids, maybe takes them out for treats. A Cool Aunt MIGHT, maybe, cancel relatively unimportant plans in order to babysit IF AND ONLY IF there were legit no other options. But she might also refuse to babysit at all if she's taken advantage of. A Cool Aunt does not tell the kids what/when/how to eat, when to go to bed, check grades or homework, or do any discipline. A Cool Aunt DOES have certain expectations for how she is to be treated (with courtesy and respect) and might decide "no more treats" if those expectations are not met.

I think that sounds very much like the path you've chosen, and it can work quite well as I said. But you and your boyfriend need to be on the same page - and HE needs to deal with BM. What she does or does not consider "your responsibility" is about as useful as ants at a picnic, you know?

hippiegirl's picture

I'm failing to understand why the 15 year is even relevant anymore. She is not his bio kid, correct?
The relationship with the stepchildren ends when the marriage to the kid's parent ends, IMO. If my DH and I ever split for any reason, do you think I will continue to speak to his kids from his previous marriage? That would be a big fat NO.