Tell me I am not alone??
My boyfriend has a little girl and she is now five about to turn six in a few days. He has full custody with the “mom” having supervised visitation only. This being said her bio mom has not seen her since 04 and that was at the custody hearing and as not spoken to her on the phone since March of 2009. Needless to say she has no clue who her biological mother is.
After my boyfriends divorce he moves in with this mother to help him. His mother instead of assuming a grandmother role in the daughters life decides that she will be her mother and due to the situation surrounding the custody this is one little girl that can do no wrong, has no limits set for her, and in general runs the house. She has been diagnosed has developmentally delayed but I truly believe she wouldn’t be if someone or anyone would have made her do things for herself when she was in her toddler years. For example, when I met this little girl she was four and refused to wipe herself after she went potty. (She had been potty trained since she was 3.) She would sit on the toilet and scream and cry until someone would go and do it for her.
Some other behavior issues she has had have been that she would have to be physically held down to have her hair brushed and would scream if anyone attempted to leave the room. When ever I questioned her behaviors and suggested she be disciplined I would be told, “This is because of what her mother did to her.” It took me about a year to make the father understand that the child’s behaviors were not based upon “what the mother did” but was just simply a “learned behavior” re-enforced by years of giving her what she wants.
I have now been in their life for the past two years and the little girl has completely changed. Her behavior has turned around and for the first time is showing significant advancements towards catching up with her age level. She gets along great with my children and our two families have blended well. (I have two children from a previous marriage and me and my boyfriend just recently has a baby.) She even started calling me mom about 1 ½ ago. We never encouraged her to do this but didn’t discourage this either, if that makes since.
The problem is with his mother. I understand that she has this “special bond” with the child and thinks that she knows what is best for the little girl. She is very resentful of the fact that I have stepped in has her mother and doesn’t like the fact the girl is disciplined. His mother says we (me and my boyfriend) are too strict on her. The reasons she quoted to us is she enjoys cleaning, she says ma’am and sir, and no longer bounces off the walls with youthful enthusiasm. She also told us that we must continue to wipe after she goes to the bathroom.
I understand that she is basically losing a daughter and she has to adjust to her new role as a grandmother but I am really frustrated. She only interacts with my children when it means she can see the sad (and I hate to call her that since I do not feel like she is my sad at all but my child). My kids love her and see her as a grandmother. When my children go to their father’s house (every other weekend) she is on the phone asking if the sad can stay with her and if she gets told no because we would like to have some one on one time with her the world has come to an end.
His mother has yelled at me, spied on me, criticized me, and in general has done everything she could to prevent me from bonding with the little girl but of course never in front of anybody that isn’t on her side!!! My boyfriend understands my feelings and tries to be supportive but let’s face it. It’s his family and he can’t be put into the middle of the mess all the time. Despite how they treat me (and he is aware and completely understanding) they are his family and loves them unconditionally. He will always forgive them but as time goes on I am finding it harder and harder to let go of the things. Is there anybody else that is in a situation like mine? I read a lot of stories regarding step children but honestly it’s not really the same when the child only visits you every other weekend…(in my opinion anyways). For all intents and purposes I am the only mother this child has ever known and probably ever will.
I try to be understanding regarding the difficult situation his mother is in but at the same time don’t I deserve some respect also? Don’t I deserve the right not to be treated as the “evil step mom”? There is soooo much more behind all this but I think I have taken up enough of everybody’s time. It might help just to know that I am not the only one in this type of situation. Thanks to everyone that took the time to read this.
You need to establish a
You need to establish a working relationship, with boundaries, with this woman. She is pretty much the Ex in this case. She has lost a daughter as you have said and she's resentful that things are not getting done her way. It is possible that this situation will just get worse but it can be fixed to.
www.bonusfamilies.com has quite a few points that you could think about especailly the stuff about counter partners. I would suggest you and your DH read this. And then maybe bring it up with MIL. She may be interested in working things out.
Honestly she's proably just scared that you may be a temporary fixture in this childs life. Sucks eh? My FIL hates me. He thinks that I have destroyed his relationship with his son, where in truth I just found Dh's balls and returned them to him. Grandparents tend to feel intitled. Try to work this out with MIL before she turns into my FIL and tried to take Dh for visitation!
Best of luck!
Of course your BF should not
Of course your BF should not be put in the middle......... HE SHOULD LEAD BY GETTING HIS MOTHER UNDER CONTROL!!!!!!
He is abdicating his responsibilities to you and the family that you and he have created by letting his mother run amok. It is time for him to give his mother absolute clarity on her role and where she stands in the family. To not do so is not fair to you nor any of the children, yours, his or the one you share.
One way to solve this would be to file child abandonment against BM and for you to adopt your SD. Once you have papers you can shut GrandMa up if BF does not step up as a man.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Umm.. wow. That's kind of
Umm.. wow. That's kind of twisted to me - I don't say that to offend you but I would NEVER let my mother act that way towards my BF. Nor would I allow her to assume a motherly type of role with my child. That being said, I will admit that my mother plays a HUGE role in my nephew's life (she watches him every day while my sister and BIL work) and I sometimes wonder if she realizes that my sister's his mother. Sometimes I wonder if he realizes it too! He LOVES my mom. He was born 3 months early so we're all very protective of him. He however, is perfectly normal and really advanced for a kid his age (he's 2), especially a kid that was born so early. My sister and my mother have power struggles now and again but my sister does a pretty good job of setting boundaries and my mom does a pretty good job of accepting those boundaries. We are not a "sit back and keep your mouth shut" type of people but she's getting better.
If your MIL is even somewhat reasonable, she will respect the boundaries set by your DH. If not, he may have to cut her off for awhile.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Just My Opinion When you
Just My Opinion
When you marry you will have more say. As a girlfriend, you really aren't "official". The hesitation that your bf may be feeling is that you really aren't his wife nor the child's stepmother. Even if you live together, that document that pronounces you man and wife makes all the difference in the world.
BUT...
Once married, your husband should step up to the plate as a MAN and put his mother in the grandmother role IMMEDIATELY as Rags said---get her under control. If he doesn't, he's not behaving like a real man.
These are the same fears I
These are the same fears I have about my MIL. DH and I don't have kids of our own yet, but I know that she'll resent it when we do. When DH and BM had SD, they were teenagers and moved in with MIL and FIL. MIL totally took over, and at that time I don't necessarily blame her since obviously SD's parents were young and ill-equipped to care for a baby. But I know that if I ever let her watch our child, she would completely ignore my rules as a parent. I've already told DH that when we have children that they will be put in daycare because I don't trust the MIL to handle them the way we want them to be; she'd just do things as SHE sees fit despite the fact that it's not her child.
I took a while of asserting myself with MIL before she finally started backing off as far as acting as SD's mother. She's still snarky about it sometimes, but I don't care. Just a few weeks ago we had a dispute about whether SD was old enough to stay home alone (MIL thought she was, I said no) and I told her that it wasn't going to happen and that I was putting SD in after-school care. She sounded annoyed but didn't fight me on because I think she's finally learned that I won't give into her like DH and BM used to when SD was little. It caused a few fights with DH and I in the beginning, but I'm so glad I stood up to her. It's made things so much easier.
Thanks all. Glad to know I
Thanks all. Glad to know I am not alone. I was focused on the facts about the MIL I don't think I stressed enough how much my bf does take up for me. He has called her up every time and told her she was out of line. We work together to set rules and he does stand behind me and make sure they are re-enforced. It just sucks to always be the bigger person and try to be understanding about why she is resentful of me when she does things like invites my ex husband to my little girls birthday party without bothering to tell me that she did. (Side note: bio dad for my little girl refused to help pay for the last 4 parties so I told him he could have a daddy day with her instead but he couldn't come and enjoy my hard spent money.) It gets to be overwheling but thank you all for the words of support and advise. Keep them coming if there are any new suggestions.