Stepson and I adore each other - but my husband imagines otherwise
My 7 year old SS and I absolutely adore each other. His BM and our household share 50/50 and everyone gets along great... EXCEPT my husband has it in his head that I have a secret hatred/jealousy towards SS.
This could not be further from the truth. When my husband comes home, he treats both of us so differently because in his mind he has to "protect" his son from my "jealousy and hatred". It creates a confusing dynamic for the boy and as much as I try to disengage and neutralize his imaginary fears, I find myself getting defensive (towards my husband, never SS).
Because I am a homemaker and my husband works long hours, I make a point of encouraging one-on-one time for the two of them on the weekends (I volunteer outside of the house one day a week and it gives them bonding time. win-win in my book!). But recently my husband accused me of doing this because of not wanting to be around his son!
We have his son Thursdays-Sundays and on school days I am the one who drops off and picks him up, has meals with him, plays and does activities with him, puts him to bed and so on.
I really don't know what else I can do to make my husband see that this battle is completely a figment of his imagination. Is he just acting out because of guilt or some other feelings?
I can't imagine what he must be feeling to be acting this way and I just want to understand so that we can work on a solution together, as a family.
Help? Insight? Advice? anything is appreciated. Thanks!
I have gone through this
I have gone through this before and I can offer my view, but first could you tell me how long you have been with your husband and SS?
Thanks Patsy. We have been
Thanks Patsy. We have been dating since SS was 3 although I didn't meet him until he was nearly 4 as I did not want to come into the child's life before I knew it was serious. Living together since SS was 5 and a half and married nearly a year now. SS will be 8 this spring.
In my case I was the main
In my case I was the main person my SD spent time with because my husband worked long hours. This went on for about 2 years, when SD was 5 and 6. I just had a baby and took off time from work and DH worked more hours to help out. When I went back to work I didn't even consider that my DH did not know what to do with my SD. SD was so close with me and would always ask when I would get home. DH knew how to do the basics, but not the way I did things for SD. He in turn started saying I didn't want to be with SD because I volunteered to work the weekends SD was with us. Truth be told I wanted him to be the one to take care of SD but like you said to build a closer bond for the two of them. I have no idea why my DH felt he could turn the tables on me when the truth of the matter was he didn't want to be alone with his daughter without me there to help. SD is 17 now and DH has just now admitted to me that those things he tried to guilt me about were because he was angry at himself for not bonding like I did with his daughter. It was wrong for my DH to guilt me, but it was wrong of me to just think well it's his kid and he will know what to do with her after I and SD had been doing things our way for so long. I am not saying this is your case, but it does sound similar especially if this all came around the time you decided to volunteer.
While I hate the way I feel
While I hate the way I feel about my situation and would never wish anyone to feel the same way, it's nice to know that I'm not alone. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Besides waiting until SS is 17, is there anything you would suggest to start a productive conversation about this with my DH? I want him to see that his son does not have to feel divided between two worlds and that we can all get along just fine with no one having to choose "sides".
Also on a somewhat-related tangent, how did your DH react to your parenting/disciplining your SD when you were primarily in charge? And what was your approach? I completely respect my DH's right to parent his child how he wants to and only step in when my SS's actions directly affect me, my environment, or in the rare times that his bad behavior is directed at me. While I do not think this is unreasonable (I should not be disrespected in my own home), my DH will often chastise me for disciplining my SS right in front of the boy! I have been lucky so far that my sweet SS still respects me and listens to me despite his father's objections but I feel like this could only end badly if it continues.
If I would have stopped
If I would have stopped worrying about my relationship between my SD and I and concentrated more on my DH's relationship with his daughter and my relationship as a wife we all would have been better off. I was put in a position as her main parent authority and I was young and did what I thought was best for my SD at the time. If you are going to continue being with your SS more than your DH this is going to be a tough road for you. Maybe you should be there when your SS is with your DH. Your SS needs to see you and your husband as a unit. If I remember right you don't need to work for financial reasons. It doesn't sound fair and it isn't but if you want your DH to stop guilting you for leaving don't leave.
On the subject of your DH chastising you for disciplining your SS when he is directly affecting you well that is bullshit. You are good enough to leave his son with you while he is gone you better damn well be good enough to discipline him too. My DH never had anything to say to me about disciplining SD while she was in my care. There have been on rare occasion I have had to discipline SD while my DH is there and I can't think of a time when he has jumped in. On the other hand when he punished SD for something when she was little I sometimes had a hard time with it. I didn't say anything in front of SD but I would let my DH know I didn't agree in private.
This is an issue we are
This is an issue we are currently tackling through counseling. Unfortunately, DH and SS did not make any changes in their lives when I entered the picture although my world was turned upside down and I had to make many changes to my previously single gal lifestyle. I thought as time passed we would all blend a little more harmoniously but unfortunately DH has not learned to combine his "dad life" with his other life. SS and I have learned to get along so naturally (i was willing, he is young and adaptable) but DH seems unable to have his dad side and husband side join together and instead gets frustrated by my "jealousy". I have a feeling that he is conflicted about how to divide his time between us, not realizing that neither of us are asking him to.
SS is a darling when he and I are alone together or even with BM or anyone else.. but when DH is around, SS has been conditioned to retreat into "dad's world" (which he has been taught cannot coexist with the world that I am in).
The first thought that comes
The first thought that comes to my mind is that your DH may actually be jealous of your relationship with SS. It sounds like you get to spend significantly more time with SS than dH does. So maybe with the guilt he feels over not seeing his kid every day, his son not having an intact family, etc, he may have created this in his mind to sort of make himself SS's favorite, the one who has a better relationship with the boy because that way he's not failing as a father.
I would also confront him and make him tell you what it that he sees or hears that makes him think this is true. If he has any real examples see if its workable. If he flounders, I'd personally tell him that until he has something solid may e he should give you the benefit of the doubt since he married you or maybe he needs to find alternative child care if you're so jealous and full of hate as that can't possibly be a healthy thing for his son to be around.