Me, BM, and Counselor????
I'll try and make this short and to the point. Considering it is about BM you all know we can start novels. Before X-mas DH and I decided to put his son in counseling. Son is 50/50 between BM and us. Before appt. DH calls BM and asked if she had any concerns since there was a question sheet to be filled out prior to first session. She claimed no, she just wanted to make sure he was adjusting to divorce. At the first meeting all three of us sat with counselor (son was in play room) and DH and I started stating our concerns. BM started crying and stormed out claiming she couldn't handle it...she thought everything was going well. then DH told her this is about son not her. As the sessions continued we no longer met as a threesome and met with either BM first, then us, then child.
DH and I asked counselor if she saw any real problems with son and she said no. Counselor then said she saw way too much animosity between BM and I. After taking that from a professional I finally went off and told counselor I have no reason to like her, I don't have to like her, and as long as I show no emotion or bad mouth BM infornt of child then who cares. I did go into some very lenghty explanations to counselor about what she has done to me, how she has lied on me to child and continually does this, and how she has been either caught in emails, tape, and by others of her actions about me and denies everything. DH did support everything I said to counselor and did tell counselor I have every right to feel the way I do.
Counselor has also told me to my face I have no "jurisdiction of child" when BM is present. Even when child is in my care and mom just happens show up. (For instance when I have to take child to a sports practice, game, or school event) Last meeting with counselor I refused to go. I'm done with the whole mess. DH came home and said counselor suggested that next meeting should be with just me, BM and counselor.
Here is my question to all. I am not a trash lady who is ready to beat BM up first chance I get. I have a masters degree, professional, and I do not play games. I am honest and tell things like they are. I do not want anything to do with this meeting. And no I see where this has no effect on SS (like I said earlier, I am civil in public when I need to be). I refuse to sit in a room with BM and have her "deny, lie, and start crying" if I begin to unload and tell her the hurtful things she has done which I know I will do. BM has a lot of hatred for me for now be married to her EX husband, live in her dream house, and raise her only baby for every other week. (BM had an affair with boss for three years lying about it until she was finally caught) I do not see this as a win-win situation. But yet I don't want to look like I am not willing to meet. DH is great about this and says he understand whatever my decision will be.
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Comments
Go with your GUT..
What does your gut tell you to do? If its says stay home stay home. I see your point. IF you are good to this child and dad when he is at your home then why meet. So the counselor can tell you basically that you should do all these things until BM is around. Not right.. Maybe the BM should continue the counseling herself and work on her issues and once and only maybe after she fixes herself then could you meet with her. You know when she is sane again.. LOL..
I say go with your gut...
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
Welcome to Hell
I suggest going, setting your boundaries and being done with it. I also suggest that you limit the # of visits. I have to say that the counselor is right about the jurisdication of child. That is why stepparenting is so hard. You're asked to care about Skids, love them, take care of them but in the end you have little say so in how they are raised. I have endured counseling with BM and SD; both have high drama personalities. My SD is grown and out of house now. And with both I had to draw strong boundaries. Maybe in the counseling session you don't have to rehash the past just figure out how to deal with each other in the future. In my case with both BM & SD I stipulate that a 3rd party is present in all meetings (both have problems with the truth - telling and remembering)and that my privacy and boundaries are respected. SD would delete my voice mails, BM walk into home uninvited, etc. At least your DH is standing by you and that is huge. You sound like a strong and intelligent woman - you'll need this strength and intelligence to deal with BM.
Glynne
OR
Give it one shot. Let BM make an ass out of herself. Then refuse to go again. That way you show you care enough to try, and you are strong enough not to put up with the shit any longer.
Have you explained to the counselor
Have you explained to the counselor what you said above about how you expect this meeting to go? Maybe she will get what you're saying and change her mind. If you honestly think that nothing productive will come out of this meeting, then there's no point. Unless you'd like to MAKE your point by attending once and after it goes exactly how you've described, you can say "see? Meeting like this is not helping SS in any way, shape or form. I will continue to be civil to BM for SS's sake, but I will respectfully decline any further invitations for 'deny-lie-cry' sessions with BM and counselor."
Oh boy,
I feel for you with this one. I really don't know what I would do. I know I wouldn't want to go.
When my ss was seeing a counselor Bm wouldn't even let me in the room with her, Dh and the counselor. I was told that I couldn't come because my presence intimidated the poor woman. She was/is intimidated by how I am responsible, organized and take good care of ss. Bad me!!
Dawn
I'm with you..........
If you feel like it is not doing your ss any good what is the point of going? BM is obviously the one in need of couseling. So unless this counselor is going to teach you how to cope with the BM from hell what really is the point? If your DH was going with you that would be one thing but do you really need any more of a relationhip with BM then being civil? It would be nice but as we all know sometimes with some BM's that is just not possible. I'm not even civil with BF EX. We simply don't speak or acknowledge each other. BF and I have been through many of the experiences you and DH have been with BF's EX. I'm with her EX now (we are getting married in July) and I live in the dream house they built etc. It is all just jealousy and has nothing to do with the child at all. But when BM took ss to counseling she wanted it to be just BF and BM and ss who is 3. She totally wanted me excluded because apparently I don't count. BF refused to go then. SO I give her what she wants. I spend very little time with ss (we only have him Wednesday nights from 5:30-8:00. BF gets his supper, plays with him etc. If you don't want me to have a relationship with your child then so be it. BF totally understands. But I'm with you, I don't like the EX, have no interest in having a relationship with her, I don't have to like her and as long as I don't show that in front of SS I'm doing right. Funny thing is we specifically asked the couselor if ss had any problems and she said NO also. Well if the ss doesn't have a problem and BF and I don't have a problem why should we go? The same with you, if ss doesn't have any problems what is the point? You have already tried as far as I can tell and like you said you don't need a realtionship with her anyway. I just don't see the point of you going..........
I'm a huge fan of this
I'm a huge fan of this concept: DON'T MAKE YOURSELF A TARGET. If you see no benefit to SS, no benefit to you and no benefit to DH, then why on earth would you go? Just so you can have a "counselor" sanction BM's turning you into her personal punching bag?! Nah. I'd skip it. As long as you're doing what you're doing and not being abusive of or disrespectful to BM, I don't think you are required to go any further.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
I can fully understand not
I can fully understand not wanting to go. I would have a hard time being in a room with my SS mom.
BUT I also know from many different experiences that sometimes what we expect to happen doesn't happen.
I also know that the least likely situations can be the most eye opening. I say you should go with the thought in mind that you are willing to do what you need to for you, SS and dad.
Stay rational and be logical instead of emotional. Any legal issues that might come up with her will leave her as the irrational one that is difficult to deal with , not you.
Hopefully you won't ever need that but it is good to have a professional on the same level and side of you and your husband.
Lisa Dawn
I wouldn't Go
I would not be subject to that at all. So basically the Counselor is telling you that you have no rights what so ever when the BM is around. I don't want to scare you but I think you are being set up. If she is anything like my husbands ex everything is done as a plan of attack against your husband. Now she can go back to court with the Counselor that sides with her. The drama of tears and running out is a show for the Counselor. Don't give her anymore ammunition.
One more thing
I totally disagree with the Counselor. If it is your Husband's visitation time she does NOT have jurisdiction when the BM is present. What your do with your Husband's permission during the time he has visitation is what you do. You don't need her permission. If she shows up wanting to take the child she has to clear that with your husband. Basically my husband gives me my rights.
My take on it
I'd share with the counselor how you feel the visit will go. Tell her that due to the issues between BM and yourself and how you know the visit will go, you'd rather have one-on-one time with the counselor and her do the same before you worked up to having a joint session with both of you present. That way you don't look like you're completely refusing the idea or unwilling to work toward making things better but you don't have to go through the drama that BM will likely cause just yet either. Counselor said herself that there's too much animosity between the two of you. Putting you two in a room together and telling to you go at it is NOT going to make things any better. You both need to work out some of these things on your own with the counselor first before you even think about trying to tell each other how you feel about things. This will also allow the counselor to be prepared for issues that BM may bring up and allow her to better mediate the situation and hopefully keep the two of you calm with knowledge she already has and solutions she's already thought of, instead of having two wailing banshees screaming at each other about circumstances and events that she has no knowledge of whatsoever. Putting you two in a room together right now is just asking for a huge fight and no progress will be made. I couldn't imagine sitting down with our BM for counseling with things the way they are. I would want several months of one-on-one for both of us before I'd ever consider us ready to speak face-to-face and have any hope of progress.
BTW - just my personal opinion but your counselor sounds like an uneducated idiot that got her degree for $24 online or something. Where did she get her training? She seems very misguided. Maybe she doesn't have any kids, step kids, exes, etc of her own?
*~So sayeth Nymh~*