At it Again!
BM called SS11's phone about an hour ago and I am still fuming.
SS11 has been on/off affectionate with me lately. I attribute this to him trying to figure out how he feels about me, our family, etc. He went through this "when my parents were together" or "if my parents were still together" phase about three weeks ago and that was short lived because I reminded him that he was 4 years old when his parents split so any concept of what he thinks was his parents' relationship is a figment of his imagination. After some nasty words and giving me the cold shoulder he came back and said "okay well if my parents were still together ..." to which his dad said "if your mother and I were still together, I would be in jail and you would be in foster care." So SS11 has given that whole "dream" up - at least out loud anyway.
But I digress. Today, he woke up, came out to the living room and curled on the couch next to me (head on my shoulder) and we watched HGTV (he likes Holmes on Homes!). He told me he loved me and then shut down like he usually does after he talks about his feelings. I got it - I don't push him. It is one of those things he has to negotiate.
To the point of this blog tonight ....
BM called as she usually does on Sunday. She and SS11 talk quite a bit on the phone - it is healthy, for the most part, that they have a good communicable relationship but it is kind of sick how she dotes on him, but that's another blog. Tonight, SS11 talked about our trip that we have planned for Christmas to the east coast.
I am certain this is based in jealousy as I listened to her reaction through the phone - "What do you mean you are going to ____ for Christmas? Your dad NEVER went on vacations with us! .... (now her tone gets low and I inch in to eavesdrop) .... Don't you ever forget who your mother is ..."
WHAT IN SAM HELL DOES CHRISTMAS VACATION HAVE TO DO WITH BEING A MOTHER????????????????
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Ah yes, the notorious GUILT
Ah yes, the notorious GUILT TRIP. SHAME on this BM for guilting her 11 year old child in this manner! I knew that my sk's BM did this BS too... she made it a point to remind me every time she talked to me at all that SHE was their mother and I was not and it didn't matter what I was doing for them. I told HER AND SK'S HUNDREDS of times than I had no desire to take her place as their mother nor could I ever, nor would I WANT to. I have my children and I know I would not want them looking at someone else as their mother either, but I would not ever make my kids think that they could not care about someone else, especially someone that took care of them if for some reason I was not able or didn't want to. It's not THEIR fault if I can't keep up my end of the bargain as a mom.
Fast forward to the present and sd20 has major loyalty issues even still. Now it has gone to the point that she has alienated me so much that I will not allow her contact with me or even my children because if this little witch doesn't respect ME she sure as hell isn't going to respect my children. But I know that it's BS that goes all the way back to her childhood when I first came into the picture and her mother was a jealous freak.
It obviously didn't work for me, but I still think it is important to let ss know that you have no desire to take his mom's place and she will ALWAYS be his mom, but that doesn't mean that he shouldn't be allowed to feel about you however he wants to... just like he would love an aunt or a close friend of the family, there is nothing wrong with him caring about you. If your dh were there to support you in the discussion, it may help more, but I really don't know. Honestly, there is nothing to say that this BM's guilt trips won't ring through this poor child well into his adulthood. It just depends on what kind of adult he grows up to be.
But that is just completely wrong. You should never make your child feel guilty about ANYTHING. Uh, it just TICKS me off the way these women are with their kids!