isn't that teaching your bio kids that they have different rules in your home then the step kids? If you step back and your DH doesn't make him follow rules but the bio kids have to how is that helping?
I would simply explain to my kids that SD has control over his kids and I have control over my kids. If your kids are following your rules, reward them. Try not to focus on his kids and their behaviors. I would tell everyone in the house what you're doing and why. I would have a superstar of the week with a sign hanging in the kitchen and that child's name and picture on it. I would explain what the superstar of the week gets to do, i.e. pick their favaorite meals for the week that everyone has to eat (or make their own dinner), this child gets to pick the prime time TV show to watch on the big screen in the family room, this child gets to choose the restaurant to go to this week....what ever you can do to show how you are rewarding your kids for following your rules. Maybe his kids will see the fuss you're making over your kids and ask "daddy" to do the same for them. this might be the time you can offer assistance to your DH for rule suggestions and rewards. It might get you all on the same page with house rules. But more importantly that that is shows your kids no matter what the "other" kids do, it's important to me that you follow "my" rules and when you do, I'll recognize you for all of your efforts.
There are different standards for bios vs. skids when you disengage. My SS and BS are the exact same age and SS,BS,and BD all live with us primarily. I just tell my bios that my expectations are higher for them and that they will grow up to be productive members of society because I am teaching them how to live. Try to do more to make bios feel special for doing the right thing, that is about all you can do.
I REALLY like that idea!!! We have a chore chart hanging and whoever completes their chores each day gets a sticker...at the end of the month whoever gets the most stickers gets a night out with us for movie/dinner and the others don't...the first month my three bio kids got to go they all did so well...SS...had 2 stickers in comparison to the 46 my three tied with.....he doesn't care....just said...That's okay...I'll tell my Mom and she'll take me.
It will eventually bother the SS. When he's left behind enough times he'll feel really left out. If BM takes him it won't be the same. SS will hear you all talking about your night out and how much fun you had. I would take pictures at the restaurant and hang them on the refrigerator, I would hang "thank you" notes on the fridge for the kids who will be rewarded. Show everyone how appreciative you are. Focus on the great stuff and ignore the rest. don't even acknowledge the SS when he says BM "will take me." unless it's something like, "have fun!" He'll try to post his own pictures on the fridge, but you can simply say, "my fridge, my pictures, sorry. If you want a picture on here, then I guess you'll need to do what you can to be rewarded." It WILL get to him if you're consistent and persistent. They're kids and much easier to control than we realize some times!
I agree completely! We use examples to teach everything to our kids, why not use real life examples of bad behavior to show our kids what we don't want to see from them!
I also agree. I have recently "disengaged" after trying too hard for too long at pleasing my DH's daughters, 10 & 12. Forget it. It's not worth it to me. I will raise my children the way I want to, him and I will discuss things in private, and I will expect that he has my back at all times. And I will explain to my kids the importance of boundaries and rules and manners, and I will reward them for their behavior. If his kids don't follow suit, I will expect that he will handle it with them. Trying to make the home one big happy family all following the same rules is just exhausting. His kids are with us one school night a week and every other weekend, trying to set boundaries is a nightmare, amongst other things! I will interested though to see, if my DH and I do attend counseling, what he or she will say. To engage, or disengage. For now, I am disengaging.
I would simply explain to my
I would simply explain to my kids that SD has control over his kids and I have control over my kids. If your kids are following your rules, reward them. Try not to focus on his kids and their behaviors. I would tell everyone in the house what you're doing and why. I would have a superstar of the week with a sign hanging in the kitchen and that child's name and picture on it. I would explain what the superstar of the week gets to do, i.e. pick their favaorite meals for the week that everyone has to eat (or make their own dinner), this child gets to pick the prime time TV show to watch on the big screen in the family room, this child gets to choose the restaurant to go to this week....what ever you can do to show how you are rewarding your kids for following your rules. Maybe his kids will see the fuss you're making over your kids and ask "daddy" to do the same for them. this might be the time you can offer assistance to your DH for rule suggestions and rewards. It might get you all on the same page with house rules. But more importantly that that is shows your kids no matter what the "other" kids do, it's important to me that you follow "my" rules and when you do, I'll recognize you for all of your efforts.
Just a though.
Excellent ideas and advice!
Excellent ideas and advice!
There are different standards
There are different standards for bios vs. skids when you disengage. My SS and BS are the exact same age and SS,BS,and BD all live with us primarily. I just tell my bios that my expectations are higher for them and that they will grow up to be productive members of society because I am teaching them how to live. Try to do more to make bios feel special for doing the right thing, that is about all you can do.
I REALLY like that idea!!! We
I REALLY like that idea!!! We have a chore chart hanging and whoever completes their chores each day gets a sticker...at the end of the month whoever gets the most stickers gets a night out with us for movie/dinner and the others don't...the first month my three bio kids got to go they all did so well...SS...had 2 stickers in comparison to the 46 my three tied with.....he doesn't care....just said...That's okay...I'll tell my Mom and she'll take me.
It will eventually bother the
It will eventually bother the SS. When he's left behind enough times he'll feel really left out. If BM takes him it won't be the same. SS will hear you all talking about your night out and how much fun you had. I would take pictures at the restaurant and hang them on the refrigerator, I would hang "thank you" notes on the fridge for the kids who will be rewarded. Show everyone how appreciative you are. Focus on the great stuff and ignore the rest. don't even acknowledge the SS when he says BM "will take me." unless it's something like, "have fun!" He'll try to post his own pictures on the fridge, but you can simply say, "my fridge, my pictures, sorry. If you want a picture on here, then I guess you'll need to do what you can to be rewarded." It WILL get to him if you're consistent and persistent. They're kids and much easier to control than we realize some times!
I agree completely! We use
I agree completely! We use examples to teach everything to our kids, why not use real life examples of bad behavior to show our kids what we don't want to see from them!
I also agree. I have recently
I also agree. I have recently "disengaged" after trying too hard for too long at pleasing my DH's daughters, 10 & 12. Forget it. It's not worth it to me. I will raise my children the way I want to, him and I will discuss things in private, and I will expect that he has my back at all times. And I will explain to my kids the importance of boundaries and rules and manners, and I will reward them for their behavior. If his kids don't follow suit, I will expect that he will handle it with them. Trying to make the home one big happy family all following the same rules is just exhausting. His kids are with us one school night a week and every other weekend, trying to set boundaries is a nightmare, amongst other things! I will interested though to see, if my DH and I do attend counseling, what he or she will say. To engage, or disengage. For now, I am disengaging.