Interesting post...I am not a Bio Parent.

For RESIDENT Skids (SD7 & SS*)
1. Both SO & I decide the rules
2. Both SO & I decide together what consequenses will be for broken rule. We decided it was best if he carries out some of the punishments while others are more effective if carried out by me.
3. I deal with it if I feel like it, otherwise, I pass the turdatious Skid to SO
4. I think it depends on the issue. Because they are NOT my children, I must adhere to SO's opinion. However, I have my list of things/behaviors I will NOT accept and he has been aware of this since we began our relationship. These things I will never be ok with & he is compliant with them.

For NON RESIDENT Skids (SD13 & SD15)
1. Both SO & I decide on the rules
2. I give my opinion but he has his end say (we hardly ever see them so it isn't an issue)
3. I pass all Skid related hideousness to SO (unless I am calling them on blatent lies about myself)
4. Again, I have my list of things I will not tolerate in my home, other than that, I pass all teen SD issues to my SO. I have to do ALOT of brushing off where they are concerned.

1. The rules were already in place when I moved in with FDH and FSS. FDH has primary custody so we have him all the time. As things come up that I don't agree with and would like to do differently when we have bios together, FDH and I discuss it privately and come up with what we want to do together. FDH presents it as the rule, and we both enforce it. We do it this way because we will only have one set of rules when there are more kids. Having been in another relationship where the SM role existed, I told FDH that this was how it would be if/when we got serious or we wouldn't date from the beginning.

2. This depends on who FSS is with when the rule gets broken. If he's with me, I discipline. FDH always supports it. If FDH and I are both there, FDH generally steps in. If he doesn't, I will discreetly say something, and FDH and I will a.) address it together or b.) go and talk about it privately and then it will or won't get addressed based on what we decide together.

3. This happened a couple of weeks ago. FSS was being rude to me all weekend. I tried telling him that he was being rude and it hurt my feelings. We're working with him and a therapist for him to be able to express his feelings because he carries a lot of anger. So, I was trying to model that behavior. He continued. I left the room. FDH told him he needed to apologize. He had major attitude and FDH sternly scolded him and FSS stomped into the kitchen and said "sorry" in a really snotty tone and left the room. I gave myself some time to cool off and asked FDH to support me in what I was about to do. He said he would without knowing what I was about to do. He followed me into FSS's bedroom. I told FSS he had three options for what kind of SM he gets. A. Involved stepmom who is mean, short, and cold. B. Involved SM who is nice, talks to him, plays with him. or C. SM who doesn't do anything with him. I asked him which one he wanted. He picked b. I told him that was what I want, too, but when he treats me the way he was, it made me want to be c. That was an ah-ha moment. He got teary and apologized and gave me a hug. FDH said he was impressed.

4. We talk about it and decide together. There is no "my kid" in our house. He's used that phrase three times and regretted the context in which he used it and my reaction every time because it made me feel like he didn't appreciate what I was doing. He's had it very clearly explained that I will not continue to do anything that is not appreciated. There is absolutely no disrespect tolerated by any member of our household to another member. In that, we include that FDH and talk about a lot having to do with how I feel as a SM, how I feel about dealing with his ex, how I feel about FSS. He likes to stay in tune to how I'm feeling about all of it and support it. I am very lucky. But, if he weren't so considerate and really taking the team approach seriously, he wouldn't be eating as well and I'd still be dating.

1- DH & I decide together & Rules are based on each child

2- Either or. DH & I share parenting authority completely. Punishments are typical per offence - double if you try to play one parent against the other. I have been known to disavow all the children. Hey he looks just like his dad and I was drugged

3- No I don't wait for Dad to step in, I punish SD the same as BS - the only allowance is made for age and abilities.

4- if either kid is doing something that you think is wrong but DH doesn't - we discuss it together. Typically the offended parent trumps the non-offended. Poor kids - I hate disrespect and failure to take responsibility, my pet peeves. DH hates lack of action and waste. They seem to get it coming and going.

Rules:
1- which person in your home lays the basic rules 4 skids or do you decide together? Amd do your bio kids Amd skids have the same set of rules? Same rules apply to everyone and we set up the house rules together.

2- who decides when a rule is broken what the punishment is and follows thru with it? bio parent takes care of their own...but we have already discussed it, the punishment fits the crime.

3- if a skid is giving you a hard time do you wait for bio to step in? And if he doesnt step in what do you do? I tell it the way it is...and you will repect me, I repect you. This is a law you do not want to cross with me bio or not. I will make your life a living hell.

4- if skid is doing something that you think is wrong but DH doesn't how do you handle it? Do you brush it off bc bottom line they aren't your kids and it's the bios job to decide how to parent them or do you stand your ground and try to make them see it your way? depends but we do talk about it, but somethings I do not give in on.

All rules apply to my God children as well. I love you, take care of you, will always be there for you. But you will do it my way....

1, 2,3, & 4- All of the rules, punishments and issues are dealt with together. DH is very good about stepping in when the skids seem to be off base. When DH doesn't know how to handle something or doesn't care, I give my two cents and see what his thoughts are. Because we decide together, if he doesn't care, that means that he backs up whatever decision I make. If there's something that is effecting school, life-and-limb, or over-all quality of life, we also bring BM in on the conversation. Couldn't have done that 4 years ago, though. She's really warmed up to our way of parenting. It works better and better every year and with both SS15 and SS10, we're starting to see some major improvements in their behaviors.