Oh the insanity...
First, a little about me:
36, married, one BS/16 and two Steps (twins): SS10 and SD10.
Second of all: THANK YOU to whomever created this site. Wow, I can feel normal here. Sometimes I feel like I am going to burst at the seams and the top of my head is going to explode off if I don't say what I need to say. And since I can't tell most people how I really feel, I'm going to do it here.
I hate my step-kids.
I cannot stand to be around them.
They are evil, horrible monsters. I am not the only one who thinks so. They are so rotten that other parents on the block won't let their children play with them. Other family members won't allow their children to play with them. Not even at the holidays. NO ONE wants to be around these kids, because they are rude, disrespectful (to both person and property), ungrateful, use nasty/foul language, and behave like wild animals. If we were to bring them into your home, they would break your sh*t, go into your bedroom, through your things, steal something from you, demand you make them special food, and frankly, probably spit on you. They've spit on others before.
Imagine the worst episode of "Super Nanny" you have ever seen and then give your imagination an injection of steroids. Now, you MIGHT be mentally prepared for the hell that is these children.
More history: the BM has NPD and Bi-polar. She actively engages in HAP. The kids are so PAS'd they are (almost?) lost for good. It's a constant battle. My DH and the BM were never married. Essentially, it was a one-night stand gone terribly, terribly wrong. Their entire relationship lasted a whole 4mo. And that was because DH was trying to make it work BECAUSE she was pregnant. BM did cocaine and drank alcohol when she was pregnant and then nursing. The kids were so neglected when they were babies that DH spent $12k in legal fees to try to get custody of them, only to be denied. What a crock our legal system is. The judges ruling? "What is a home? A home is where the mother is."
WTF?
Anywho, the kids drive me nuts. They are horrible. We are talking both structural and property damage to the home every time they come for a visit. I hate them. I hate them. I can't even stand to be in the same room with them. I tried to be super nice. I tried to bond with them. DH and I dated for 2.5yrs before we married. I tried. I tried. I tried. But they have so many behavioral problems that I can't even stand to spend time with them. I refuse to go in public with them, because they are so badly mannered that it is humiliating. Care for an example? Ok, here ya go:
How about going to the McD's playscape this afternoon and the SD (again 10yo) is swearing at and giving the finger to some 6yo girls there. And then she BIT one of them. Yeah. Exactly. WTF???
The SS is a total a**hole.He is absolutely rude and horrible to everyone. Including to his own father. He bounces basketballs off of the ceiling of the house. Looks at anyone who tells him to stop, tells them to "shut up. I don't have to listen to you," sticks his tongue out, and then just keeps doing it. Yes, bouncing a f*cking basketball off the ceiling of the house.
What does DH do? He is so ill-equiped to deal with these kids. He doesn't even know what to do. He tries to get them under control. But there is no getting them under control. They are horrible. They gang up on him. He has no clue what to do.
Me? Yeah, I know exactly what to do. I know how to handle these kids. Um, MY son doesn't act that way so clearly I know what to do. BUT...
DH has told me that he doesn't want me to discipline them at all. He has told me that I am "too stern." TOO STERN??? TOO STERN?? I argue that I am the ONLY person in their life that even BOTHERS to try to be stern. In my opinion, there should be little left for SS to decipher when I tell him to STOP BOUNCING THE BALL OFF THE CEILING OF THE HOUSE.
I mean, duhhh...
So essentially, I have zero power. I sit there and I watch them destroy property and disrespect their father.
I hate them. I leave when the come over. I do everything in my power to not even be in the house. THEN, if I do have to be home when they are here, I stay in my bedroom. Which I lock. They ask me once why we have a lock on our bedroom door and I said, "because you can't be trusted to not steal. If you could be trusted, I wouldn't have to lock my stuff up. Quit stealing if it bothers you."
One day, when these kids ends up in jail, I will be relieved. Because it will mean I won't have to see them for a while.
I could go on and on and on with examples. But, I don't have that kind of time. Suffice it for me to say, once more:
I hate them and their whore, non-working, CS sucking b*tch of a mother. They can all kiss my a**.
Thanks for listening.
"pop the ball" is exactly
"pop the ball" is exactly what I want to do. However, DH won't even let me grab the ball from him. However, I am to the point where DH can kiss my s** too. If HE isn't going to do what needs to be done, then I will.
Last night, when he returned from taking them back to their mom, I told him:
"You don't get to have it all your way. It's not fair that you have stripped me of all power when it comes to your kids. I can't discipline them - even over small stuff. I can't be alone with them - for fear of being accused of abusing them. My son can't be in the same house with them - for fear the SD and BM will accuse him of being inappropriate. They break something in this house every time they visit. I get to just stand there and watch. This is not fair. It's unacceptable. You and I need to figure out some stuff that you absolutely MUST have control over when they come here."
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "The balls in the house. I am so sick and tired of MY belongings getting broken. This house is filled with MY things. Items that I, ME, I worked for to purchase. I am an adult, I am capable of understanding when things get broken because it's an accident. But throwing and bouncing and whipping balls around in the house is NOT an accident. It's flat-out disrespect for other people's property is what it is. They are TEN YEARS OLD NOW. This should NOT be new to them. We go through it every time they come over. And YOU are their father. YOU should be setting an example. BUT this is MY house too, and these are MY belongings. Next time YOUR SON is bouncing a ball in the house - I AM going to grab it from him and I am going to stab it with a butcher knife to pop it - right in front of him. And you. And if THAT doesn't get the point across to the both of you, I WILL grab him by the arm, lead him to the door, open the door, and put him outside on the porch. I will tell him that when he can act like a HUMAN BEING he is welcome back in. BUT, until then, WILD ANIMALS belong outside. Then I will lock the door and walk away. It's fine you don't want me involved. BUT that isn't always going to work. ESPECIALLY when they are breaking MY stuff and disrespecting ME. If I don't see YOU doing something about it, yup, I'm going to. And I guarantee you won't like the way I deal with it."
We'll see.
Thing is: I love my DH so much! He is the most kind, gentle, sweet and caring person I've ever met. However, the qualities that I love and cherish in him are also the qualities that BM, SD, and SS take advantage of. Honestly, it's like they have labeled him the weak member in the pack so they are circling him to eat him alive. BM, SD and SS - that's the best way to describe them: They are all predatory. The wait and watch for their moment to get whatever it is they want - and they take it. And be damned to anyone and everyone else. The BM is a sociopath and these kids are not too far behind.
I wish I could help them. But I can't. They are not MY kids. I can't call the school and talk to the teachers. I can't schedule the testing that needs to be done. I can't take them to see a therapist. I can't talk to them about the things they need to be talked to about. I can't discipline them. I can't get them on or give them whatever medication it is they need (clearly they need it). I can't have the conversations that need to be had with BM. I can do nothing but manage damage control.
"Give them silence and calm
"Give them silence and calm on the outside."
HAHAHAHAA!!!! I literally LOL'd at this. I totally had a mental image of it. I'd be like Terminator... HAHAHA!!!!
And I agree about the responsibility and accountability. It's really hard to keep up with these kids.
MY BS16 doesn't act like this. He's never been destructive or disrespectful.
These kids are... lost. It's rather sad actually.
I hate them for how they treat my DH. I'm afraid they are going to destroy everything that I love about him.
"So essentially, I have zero
"So essentially, I have zero power. I sit there and I watch them destroy property and disrespect their father." --WOW...you summed up my life in two sentences.
It's a b*tch, isn't it???
It's a b*tch, isn't it???
UPDATE: I talked to my DH
UPDATE:
I talked to my DH about getting them one at a time. I framed it in a great way: "figuring out a way to increase his effectiveness as a parent." He consented that it's a great idea and wants to try it.
Honestly, I struggle with my feelings about these kids. They ARE only 10yo. I mean, how responsible are they for their behavior? They really are just reflections of their parents. Mostly, they reflect their mother. Maybe it's my lack of power to change the situation or help the kids that I hate more? Hmm. All that I do know is that when they are here, it is way too difficult to separate, from their behavior, that which comes from them, a 10yo child, and that which comes from their mother. Example:
The kids were totally rotten one weekend. It started when we took them to a neighbors pool to go swimming, Then they started getting nasty, swearing at each other and at their father, fighting and screaming out the "N" word. Yeah. DH gets them out of the pool a.s.a.p. and we hop on our bikes to ride home. Rather than follow their father to go home, they take off in the other direction. My reaction? "Whatever. Go and good luck to you." Anyway, they eventually decided to come home (bummer). One thing lead to another and eventually, the real problem came out. It's always the same, they come over all pissed off about some crap lie their mother told them about their father and I. This time, it was:
"You two are horrible parents! You don't even take care of your responsibilities! You're a deadbeat dad - you don't even pay your child support! YOU two got to have a HUGE wedding and go on a honeymoon and our mom and (Step-dad) had to get married at our house and couldn't go on a honeymoon! Because of you two, our power is shut off at our house! Because of you two, our mom can't afford to go grocery shopping! Because of you two, our baby brother (not the BS of DH) doesn't have diapers! You two are dead beat parents!"
We ended up printing out a report from the state CS website and giving it to the kids. The report showed that their father has paid their mother over $13k in CS in a 12 month period. Their response? "Our mother wouldn't lie to us."
Oh yeah? Uggg. How did the rest of the weekend go? Oh, they "ran away," broke items, spit at their father, screamed at me, refused to go to bed, and pouted all weekend.
We let them take that report home to show their mother. Her response to that? She told the kids that the report was a fake.
I suppose that I am holding out hope that one day, they will see her for what she really is.
Anyway, I digress. The problem with the 'one at a time' is that we've tried it before and although it was awesome, their mother didn't like it and put a stop to it. Naturally, she wants them out of her house at the same time. BUT the kids love it, because coming over to our house is like a vacation for them. AND they actually don't act all too horrible when it's just one of them. Well... let me rephrase that: just one can be better controlled and/or disciplined.
Sooo...
You know what we are going to do? And this may be really unfair, but we are going to use the kids against her. We are going to ask the kids if they want to come one at a time. We already know that they do. Then, DH is going to talk to BM in front of the kids and present the idea to her as "for the kids." Hopefully, she will do it for the kids. If not? When they can't come one at a time, I'm going to tell them it's because their mom. That she wants them both gone for the weekend, you know, like a vacation for herself.
Maybe it's cruel. But f*ck it. Let the BM deal with their wrath for once.
Then, I am praying that DH will stay strong and not back down on it and just keep saying, "This is the schedule for the month: on this weekend it will only be SD, on this weekend it will only be SS, etc.
We simply need to not give her a choice.
Contact Super Nanny
Contact Super Nanny immediatly - or get the kids some counselling regarding cognitive behaviour therapy. Honestly these kids sound like abuse victims or have high levels of ADHD and need rebalance in food and a mixture of natural or chemical medications. Be there on a supportive level and while they are in your care get them this help. Your choice - good luck to you. I dont blame you for wanting to break down and let the BM deal with it - this would be an insane existance to be around. And if BM can deal than awesome - and on your time with the SK's you can spend this time getting them assistance.
Blessings to you and hope things get easier!
"...these kids sound like
"...these kids sound like abuse victims..."
Yup, you've got it. However, it isn't the type of abuse that the state will recognize. Michigan doesn't recognize HAP as abuse.
We already take them to therapy when they are with us. The mother is just a dumb a** who continually perpetuates the problem.