Not cut out to be the step mother
First I will say that I think it is amazing that there are so many great step parents out there. Ones who step up to the plate, love children as their own, put up with all the drama, etc. But... I can easily say I am not one of those people. I don't think everyone is cut out for it, and maybe that's okay, but then sometimes you wind up in a crazy situation.
My story would be that my ex boyfriend popped back into my life several years ago. He was just starting his divorce at the time but they had been separated for a long while before that, and we started talking again. Along the way I happened to find out that his wife had a daughter who was a few months old at the time. I made it very clear that I wanted nothing to do with this woman, her child, anything at all to do with her.
This, however, was not supposed to be a problem. The two of them were splitting up, they'd been apart their whole marriage, it was a sham to begin with. She had split up with her boyfriend of two years a few weeks before they met online, and me and him had split up after nearly six years days before.... it was all a big mess. They met online and then met online, got engaged two weeks in, married four months into knowing one another all to spite their exs. They had always lived apart by hundreds of miles and had only even seen one another a handful of times in their few years together. As for the child... his wife had been living with another man for their whole relationship and they said he was the father, she even claimed that they'd done a DNA test so no one thought any different. She had his last name and he was on the birth certificate.
So, everything seemed fine. We talked, got past our sorted past when we were younger, started dating again. We lived a few states away from one another so we'd make trips back and forth until I decided to move his way and we got a place together. The divorce was going as scheduled and she was out of our lives otherwise.
Then... her boyfriend left her. And when he did that she started changing her story about who the father of her child was. This eventually led to a court ordered DNA test and in the end we got the news that my boyfriend was in fact the father after all.
This shook our world. No one was happy. I mumbled out a congratulations right after hearing the news then went right into ending our relationship right then and there. My views about the situation had not changed and so I thought it would just be best to go our separate ways. I knew how I felt about the child situation and he deserved to figure out where he stood without my influence. That very day I was planning on what I would do next, I was trying to pack up my things and talk with my brother and maybe coming to stay with him when he would be able to have me and come help me move my crap and all.
Before I actually moved, me and him sat down to talk about everything instead of me just repeating "we're over" and avoiding him. We had a long talk about us and this news. He told me that he had time to think about it and talk to everyone over it and he didn't want anything to change. Whether the test was true or not, he said he didn't want to be in their lives and wanted to figure out how we could work around it all. He told me that he didn't know the child, felt no want or need to, there was no connection there, and he just wanted to be free of all of them. He said that he knew he could not be the father to that little girl, he didn't feel anything toward her, knew he'd resent her because I left, he wasn't in a good financial place and didn't have the room for her, etc.
He likened it a lot in a sense to adoption where he knew if it was up to him he would have given the child up for reasons x, y and z. He knew he wasn't the right choice and he did try and get himself removed but none of that worked out. Getting parental rights removed in our state is near impossible unless it is for step parent adoption, they don't like to leave children fatherless - want someone to be held accountable and all. His wife's latest boyfriend she started seeing offered to have them "transferred" to him but the said that wasn't possible, the divorce would have to go through, they would have to get married, and be married for at least a year before that could happen. Her father also tried to have the rights moved to him but they said they could only do that if it was a complete adoption and she signed hers over as well, so that did not happen either. He decided to just wait until they would have a way to do it and just stepped away since. They did a custody and visitation agreement but he has never taken up on it and told them that, child support gets taken directly out of his VA disability check so they don't even have contact there.
He's never met her, never wanted to, it's years later and 99% of the time it's like in our world she doesn't even exist. His parents did see her once right before their divorce was finalized and they came back regretting it, saying she was an awful child, saying how much they hated being around the child, his ex, their family and so forth so haven't had anything to do with them since either. We've all just gone about our own lives... I do feel bad sometimes for the little girl but I am still glad that she's not around me (more so her mother but that rubs off on the child for me as well for me despite knowing she is innocent). I'm sure that makes me a horrible person in a lot of ways, but it's my truth. I'm glad that me and him are still together, glad that we just have our little family, that we got our lives all straightened out over the past several years. We are getting married next year, have a little boy together who will be turning three in a few months, and that's our little world. I'm happy.
I could have still left after I found out he was the father and anytime since then so it didn't feel so much like a "it's me or her" situation, but I don't honestly think it would have made a difference. I don't think he would have decided to be around one way or another but sometimes I still feel responsible at times.
I do wish all of them well, I just don't want them in our lives. =\ Awful right?
Each situation is different,
Each situation is different, but I would not have kids with a man comfortable to abandon his child. I couldn't respect him.
I think a long while ago I
I think a long while ago I probably would have felt that way too but then as I got older and got to meet a lot of new people and all I began to see not everything is always black and white. Some people aren't cut out to be parents or step parents, sometimes you are the right fit for one child but not another, and so forth.
He had his reasons for not wanting to be in this other child's life and not all of it would I ever be able to fully understand as it wasn't my situation or child but I understood where he was coming from after awhile I guess, and I know how wonderful he is with our son.
My fiance actually would know more about the situation from the child's perspective too. He was put up for adoption as a toddler. His mother did it, no one is entirely sure who the father is but neither of the choices knew anything about him until he was older. But his mother was unable to take care of him and her mother and step father adopted him and she got out of his life. It was the best thing for him looking back, everyone seems to agree on that. She was pregnant again at the time, was living rather wildly and had a lot of problems... she wet on to have three other children, got married four times, has been in and out of jail, etc. The children she did raise turned out not so great so he feels lucky he was the one who got set free from it all.
I'm not judging. And I agree
I'm not judging. And I agree BM is crap for lying. And that sometimes men should walk away when there's abuse by the SK and cases of PAS where BD involvement makes it worse for the SK'S. I just hate that the SK will suffer because of BM'S choice to lie. And yeagh, it's unfortunate that a woman have more liberties than men pretty much only when it comes to kiddos.
I think sometimes someone
I think sometimes someone just isn't the right fit... like you said, mother's give children up for adoption, my fiance was given up and thank goodness he was because his biological mother is a trainwreck and her other children she did keep and raise are all this side of whacktown.
Me and his ex wife have a history which certainly helped my thoughts about wanting her nowhere around me ever. How he handled our break up and getting with her was awful but more of that goes on him as she didn't own me anything... but she felt the need to stalk me and harass me after they got together. I cut contact with him but she would constantly track down my new number or new emails all the time, harass my family and friends, call my work to bother me and tell me how "over me" he was and so forth. She found out my new address after I moved and threatened to come kill me and just crazy things like that. I wanted no part of the crazy and the whole subject of her has been a sore spot because it hurt a lot when he went running off with her like he did.
=\
We've been together now for six years since we first started talking again and we've had our ups and downs, we had the past to work through and all, but we're happy and I like how things are. I don't think it'd be like this if the ex and her child was around by any means. =\
I think you are just fine...
I think you are just fine... In a perfect world things would be different but this is reality, not every bio parent is best for their children nor is everyone willing to be a stepparent and love every child they come across. At the end of the day he is the one who made his choices, you may have influenced it but he's a grown adult who made his choice despite that.
Many women or families give up children... maybe they got pregnant young or couldn't afford this last child and often times they go on to have other children if they gave up their first born or whatever. Sometimes you just aren't the right fit and men usually get the short end of the stick on choices. A man only matters when he laid down and when he needs to pay out to the mom all too often.
He seems he knew what he was doing and made up his own mind and you all carried on just fine so don't feel too bad. Given how he feels about the girl it is probably best he isn't in her life
That is kind of how I/we look
That is kind of how I/we look at it I suppose. I think at the end of the day we all have the best life we can.
You and HE did nothing wrong.
You and HE did nothing wrong. In fact…he is doing 90 percent more than most women who adopt out their kids. At least he is financially supporting her. It is actually a shame that he can’t get out of that part of it. I wonder why women can adopt out a kid but a man cant.
But FYI…I would assume when this kid gets older she will seek out your DH. UGH. Good luck
I think he would stop the
I think he would stop the financial responsibilities if he could but alas that is not currently a choice. We don't mind that much there though, it goes straight out and we don't have to deal with her and it doesn't really impact us.
Yeah, we have discussed the possibilities of if that were to happen and neither of us like the idea much. He said if she ever does come around he would just explain how he felt and ask her to leave or something like that. =\ None of us ever talk about her if we don't have to and everyone pretty much acts like she doesn't exist... we say our son is his only child when asked, his parents see our son as the only grandchild and so forth. He doesn't want our son to know about her if we can avoid it so I don't know. Something to deal with if it ever comes to pass I suppose.
Woman decides to have sex,
Woman decides to have sex, man agrees, it was both their choice knowing what could happen... but after that point the man gets the short end of the stick with choices is how I see it all.
Woman decides to have an abortion but man disagrees? He has no say... it's all about it is her body her choice, the baby is hers to make a decision about only and the man just gets the shaft. Or vice versa with a man can't make a woman have an abortion just because *he* decides he ddoesn't want the child... it's all on mama dear.
Woman decides to give a baby up for adoption and she's sooooo selfless and making the right choice for her child, a man wants to do so and nope he's a deadbeat! A woman can give up a child all on her own, doesn't have to inform the dad and even if she does she can get away with it without his consent. Fathers who want to fight it have to go through hoops to be able to have their kid especially i they weren't married to the mom and if they don't by a certain time well they are just out of luck! It's stupid!
And let's say one parent wanted to give the child up and the other fought it so now they are "stuck" with a child that they didn't want and wanted to make sure had a better life that they knew they couldn't provide! Sometimes it's the ather who ought so now the mother is held responsible or it's the father who is. I think you should decide if you want to be in a kids lie or not. If you personally decide you are going to raise a child on your own than you should accept full responsibility is my unpopular opinion lol.
Suddenly dad's are half responsible after the mother makes the choices and he just better agree to it it seems. He doesn't have much of a say but lord have mercy if he doesn't want to be there or pay all his money to the mama! Courts are also biased toward moms to begin with and act like they have rainbows growing out of their rearends so what's the point in it all with that too?
I really don't know what has
I really don't know what has been going on in their lives... we've had no contact with them at all. I do know that right before their divorce was finalized the mom and her boyfriend (the second one during their divorce, the one was asking about adopting the girl) broke up. So I have no answers for that side of things...
I know the child did not ask for any of this and she's getting a raw deal out of it. I do believe that whether I was in the picture or not though he would not have wanted anything to do with the girl. If I was in the picture at all or if I had said I was going to leave, not with their history. I can't say for certain but I don't see him around in any situation. I feel like I did put him in that sort of "it's me or her" predicament at times but I think he would have stayed as far away from them no matter what.
I think - personally - that things aren't always black and white. Sometimes you are cut out to be a parent at all, sometimes just not to some children. I think some people are cut out to be amazing step parents, other's - like myself - just are not. It took me until I was a little older and less sheltered to get that point of view though from various people I met and learned about their situations.
My fiance himself was adopted by his maternal grandmother and her husband when he was a toddler. She had a very wild lifestyle and gave him a better life. Her three other children she did raise and were not so lucky. I have a step brother who has my dad and step mom raising his special needs daughter who he didn't feel he could handle but has a son he is raising.
I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but he had his reasons and his feelings for not being there and I had mine about not wanting to be in their lives. He is a wonderful partner to me and the best father in the world to our son. Maybe this, that and the other should be the case, too, but that's what I know is all.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the replies. Just had a lot on my mind recently and wanted to get it out somewhere I suppose. I wasn't looking for a pat on the back or to pick a fight or who knows what... just wanted a place to talk I guess.
I appreciate what each of you have said.