Acceptance
I don't really have anyone to vent to or talk to about this so I figured i would try this out. So here is a little background into my situation:
The biofather and I had been dating roughly 2 months when a girl he had hooked up with on random occasions informs him there was a possibility he was going to be the father. She was 3 months pregnant and said it was between him and another guy. Well we were really into one another and neither one of us wanted to end our new relationship because of a "maybe". They agreed to be civil and do what was best for the child. Well Aug came and the other guy was off the hook. I knew when I seen her, it was my boyfriend's baby. Looked identical to him. I don't know if it was the hormones or what but the baby mamma went off the deep end. She decided she didn't want my boyfriend to have anything to do with the child, pay support, visitation, anything. We ended up having to take her crazy ass to court just so he could see his daughter. The judge even thought the situation was weird and told her she needed to grow up and act mature about the situation. So here we are months later, I have been an active part in the child's life or as active as I can be. I planned her birthday party for his family, had family pics took, go on family outings to the park, etc. And me and the biofather recently got engaged. What should be a happy time, has been nothing but stressful. He is scared of the biomother finding out we are getting married and it makes no sense to me. He thinks the biomother will keep him from seeing his daughter. She knew we lived together beforehand. So none of this should be too surprising. I have explained several times that she can't keep his child away from him; its why we have a court order. His family makes matters no better. I have slowly noticed that they try to play both sides. They will be all nice to my face and tell me one thing; then turn around and tell the biomother something different. It's ridiculous.
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Run, run, run, as fast as you
Run, run, run, as fast as you can.
A man who does not put you first, and who gives in to BM black mail is NOT worth it, because he will throw you under the bus if push came to shove.
My situation was like yours, DH had a one week stand with a crazy lady (who he calls f***face because he can't stand to say her name) who wanted him while she was still with her boyfriend. So it was a toss up between him and the boyfriend.
He got the short end of the stick.
We were also very into each other and had started dating when she was 5 months along (she told him when she was 4 months along). We thought, since she had lied about everything else (from not being able to get pregnant, to having a disease that she actually didn't have and was taking medication that would prevent pregnancy, etc) she was probably lying about him being the father, so we went ahead with our relationship.
He was NEVER afraid of what she could do, and if it was a toss up between me and the kid, unfortunately he would have chosen me in a heartbeat. He did everything by the courts which forces BM to play by the rules. He never wanted a child with her, and although he'll be responsible, he was always clear on what mattered to him, no matter what anyone else thought. She wanted to play games about whether or not he could see the kid? He decided not to pursue visitation (even though he was the one who requested to pay CS), and now she is virtually begging his mother to make him see the kid. (In another state.)
You can not live in fear, because you will resent him. You will resent yourself. And you will regret wasting your life with a man that could not realize that there is NOTHING stopping BM from doing what she says she will do, whether or not you were in the picture, whenever she wanted because she believes it could work on them.
You do not back down from a dog who threatens to bite, because then the dog will realize threats work. No matter who it is, be it his family, his friends, BM, or the skid.
When DH's mother and brother and brother's wife tried to play both sides, DH told her, his brother, and his brother's wife if they ever has a hand in causing me unhappiness, and causes me to leave, they will never see him, or hear from him again. They realized quick that if they valued him as a son, a brother, that their loyalty would be not just to him, but to me as well, first and foremost.
The first and only time BM has ever mentioned my name, DH told her he did not ever want to hear her say my name, and that if she comes near me, he won't guarantee she'd come out of it alive.
Sometimes I am annoyed, because he is very protective, to the point that when BM's exBF came around once, he made me go into another room, had our "adopted son" (who is really a young adult older than me who we had taken in because he came from a very rough background) guard the door because he was terrified BM's exBF, who is still her gopher, would hurt me on her orders.
In any case, it IS ridiculous. If you choose to stay, realize that your fiance doesn't have a clear belief about what is justice in his heart. He is torn between doing what society regards as the right thing (giving up everything for the "sake of the child") and his responsibility to his partner.
I would talk to him and ask him what his priorities are. And don't stop until you get the truth.
I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you can get through to him before it's too late.
^^^^^^^^^^THIS
^^^^^^^^^^THIS
I appreciate the comments.
I appreciate the comments. I'm just really frustrated with the situation. Let me clarify, the BM is aware we are together and have been prior to DH knowing about her pregnancy. He tries to keep things civil with her cause she flips out over stupid stuff. His family is what I think is causing the problem. We were at his aunt's for dinner last night and were talking about the wedding and she asked if DH had told BM yet. And then goes on to tell him he should probably keep it a secret because it would piss BM off. Well I informed them that I wasn't living my life like that. They purposely get the DH worked up. And they wonder why we don't hardly come around anymore. For example: We went to court in April. Fought tooth and nail for him to get visitation. They had been going behind his back and babysitting his daughter and not telling him. Like Mother's Day: His mother came in from out of town. She was suppose to stay with us. She called us LATE the night before to tell us she was staying with her sister and would be over to our house in the morning. Come to find out, she had contacted the BM and asked to visit with SD. The BM went ahead and let his mother watch SD the entire day (8am-6pm). But did not bother to say anything to me or DH until she showed up to our house late. So rather than being at our house by 10am it was 7pm. When he found out, he was completely hurt. I was completely pissed.
She gets to have an
She gets to have an independent relationship with BM and SD, whether you or DH like it or not, which is a fortunate and unfortunate thing, depending on who you are in the situation.
I can see why the woman would be defensive and want to pull away, she sees Dad bringing you in from birth and its like screwing with a wild bear's cubs; they go irrational and vicious. I know I would be a horrible BM. My DH teased me once that if we divorced or I died (you know those watching TV moments and I say "DH, if that happens to me, will you xyz". He told me he would remarry and encourage the woman to snuggle our dog and give him cookies and refer to herself as momma and he would encourage her to have my dog sleep in the bed with them. I went BSC right there in the living room over a hypothetical situation AW HELLZ NAW haha. I could not imagine being a BM, I think we should really try hard to imagine sending your infant to the father's house for this other woman to "bond" with and "snuggle" and she says "I LURV YOU LIKE MAH OWWWN". I personally realized with my DOG, I would beat the chicks teeth out. So, try to have some empathy and see from the other side what it must be like for a BM with an infant knowing you are there and trying to be a full part of HER child with the man and mothering the baby. Can you imagine? I cannot imagine it without getting palpitations myself.
I know you are trying to do the best you can, but the best thing you can do is set firm NOT-THE-MOMMY boundaries from the beginning.
Well i honestly believe his
Well i honestly believe his mother should work on her strained relationship with her son. She abandoned him when he was young, gave him to her parents and went about her business to pop back up when he was 18. And then only off and on. Since the SD was born, she has been around more. But what makes me mad is her traveling an hour here and then not bothering to even tell DH but go straight to the BM. There have been numerous times she has came in and not say anything until after she left saying she didn't have time to see him. I'm not upset because she sees SD, its her granddaughter. She does it behind the DH's back.
The DH told the BM about me when she told him she was pregnant. There was no prior relationship between the two of them. It was a booty call situation from my understanding by both parties. For some reason, she was under the disillusionment that he would leave me once the SD was born and be with her. When things didn't work out that way, she refused to let DH see SD for 6 months. Even tried to get a restraining order so that he couldn't get visitation with SD. After asking her a few questions, the judge thru it out. He had never threatened her, hit her, or anything. The only thing she said was that she didn't feel the child would be safe with him. Now that we do get SD, she is fond of me. DH and I both make sure she knows I'm not momma. She calls me "MeMe" Where she picked that up I have no clue. She just started calling me that about a month ago.
Most of the women on here will tell you, a BM is hard to deal with. Everything you do is always wrong. And they do little to try to even get to know you. On numerous occasions, I have invited the BM to the house so that she could see where SD is staying during our visitation. She refused but then wants to make comments about what she thinks the house looks like. She had asked DH where I bought a few of the hair ribbons for SD cause she would like to get some. When he told her I made them (I have been making them for years. Make them for friends, family, etc) well she then decides she no longer likes them. i offered to make some and give them to her, she refused. So my sympathy for the woman has come and gone. At first I kinda felt bad for her, but after having to deal with her these past 2 years, I don't.