No Rules / No Boundaries
My bf and his d18 moved in with us last August. I have 2d's (ages 9 & 12). For clarification my bf has been living with us for 4 yrs. About 18 months ago, his ex decided to abandon her 16 yr old and go chase her life out of state. It left us.... with a mess. He moved back into the family home to try to figure out what to do with it. Sell it? Let it go? what's to be done. AND... he had a 16 yr old to cope with. Last August, we finally decided that living out of 2 houses was too much. He was being pulled in 2 directions. Physically and emotionally spent. We moved his 18 yr old into our home, and have since spent a few "K" in remodeling the entire basement floor into a livable space. The crux of our problem now is... the 18 yr old, is fighting rules. She should not have a curfew. And she feels since she's never here, she should not have to do anything. We have tried to integrate her into the family... she keeps herself separated. But complains that she feels like an outsider. The recent blow up comes after she spent 2 months coming and going without acknowledging anyone in this home. AND THEN??? she confides in him that "I" am ignoring her. Her behavior has become bizzaire. When I confronted her about what she'd told him, her excuse was that she was afraid for her life in this house, and that there were death threats on her mirror. Since..... somehow she's been able to explain those statements to him and dance. From the day she got here in August...there have been incident after incident that all indicate to me she is on a mission to divide and conquer. She almost suceeded this time. He was about to move her into an appartment and pay for it. He was so desperate to keep peace with her... that he was willing to PAY FOR an appartment for her. It's not like he is independantly wealthy. Paying for a separate appartment for her.... would mean that "I" am on my own finanacially. How is this fair to me??? You are gonna live with me... but pay for an appartment for her???? are you kidding me?? It was a knee-jerk reaction. He was quickly looking for a solution to his problem. We have since gotten back to the same page. It is simple. You have a home here, all you have to do is follow the rules, do some chores and mind your manners. SIMPLE right??? Not so... she refuses a curfew. She's negotiating. Or thinks she has room to negotiate. She's playing the "LOVE" card with him. And me??? I'm just the crazy step mom wanna be. And while all this drama is going on..... my 9 and 12 yr old are watching, and taking notes.
She sounds a very
She sounds a very manipulative person, that's for sure. I would think at the age of 18, if she finds living with you so arduous, then she should make her own life and get a place of her own. Perhaps this is what your BF was trying to achieve by offering her an apartment. Perhaps instead of GIVING her one, which would send completely the wrong message, he could offer to put down the deposit, maybe on a room in a shared house or similar, and pay a diminishing proportion of the rent over the first 6-12 months whilst she gets herself sorted out.
I don't think I would be at all willing to have one of my SDs living with us at that age unless they were at least paying lip service to our rules and requirements, and being at least civil. If she is old enough to not have a curfew and do her own thing, maybe the time has come to walk the talk.
Agree with above. She can
Agree with above. She can move out if she doesn't like the rules...He can help a little, but that is it. She is 18 now and is not entitled to treat people that way. She can get a job and pay for her own roof...
The manipulation has been
The manipulation has been going on since she got here. One week after she moved in (aug), she told me that her mother was/is.. sooooo in love with dad that if he snapped his fingers, she'd come running. Really?? then why is she remarrying in June? Three weeks after she got here, she brings up a sore subject. BF and I... broke up for a few months. In which time, he went out to dinner with another lady. This is entirely between he and I now. Water under the bridge. We've burried it. Forgiven, not forgotten. But she brought it up, and I got sucked in.... she gave me very intimate details of that relationship. I sat on this information for a few weeks. Thinking, why... is she telling me this. It's damning. It's damaging. And when the next little set up occurred, I confronted him. It was all true. Why... does your 17 yr old daughter know this????? and why is she telling me??? I can map it out... map out the last 9-10 months.. and tell you everything she's tried to pull.... and yet??? she always has an excuse. "I didn't understand." "I didn't know..." "I wasn't thinking...." "it wasn't meant that way...." I have caught her in lie after lie. And she's got HIM completely snowed. Her mother, isn't a terrible mom... lol. I'll bet my last dollar that the woman RAN. This kid, drove her mother nuts. Mom couldn't handle her, and turned her over to dad... "Have at it." She's snows her dad, everytime he puts his parenting hat on, to call her on the carpet, she has a migraine or cramps. EVERY SINGLE TIME. and he buys it. "I have a head ache." and he backs off. Are you kidding me???? if this kid has so many head aches... I'd be taking her to a neurologist to get a cat scan does and check for tumors. NO ONE.. can have that many head-aches and not be dying. HELLO. YOU are being snowed. Pay attention... she misses 3 days of school due to migraine. Day 4, she's out with her friends playing frisbee football in the rain. Manipulation...... we go to a school play for my 12 yr old. D18, calls dad to go sit by her at the end of the row. He obliges. Me?? I'm sitting by myself. After, we went out to dinner and again... he sits at HER end of the table. Now it wouldn't be such a big deal, if princess wasn't giving me the "HA HA" looks. And I wasn't the only one to catch it, had I been the only one to catch it.. I'd have thought I was nuts, neurotic, jealous of his kid.
If she doesn't like the
If she doesn't like the rules, she's18. Cant' she move out and get a job? Technically she is an adult now.
If this happened to me, I'd
If this happened to me, I'd be telling DH she needs to leave immediately since she's afraid for her life. Even though we all know she's lying, just the fact that she said it would be it for me. Utter ridiculousness.
To the SD, I say get out of my house and be safe.
Thanx for the validation. My
Thanx for the validation. My thoughts exactly !!!! I told him, today... she is claiming she feels her life is in danger. She said she saw a "Death threat" in the bathroom mirror. (My D9 draws smiley faces in steamy mirrors... ) yeppppp Death threats. "I saw that and that someone was gonna die."
I told her father.... "either she's doing drugs, she's off her rocker, or she's playing games." When she danced her way out of it.... I said, WHAT NEXT???? Am I going to open the door to the police one day, and she'll claim I hurt her? This went beyond the ridiculous. She's 18.... but she's in her senior yr of H.S. graduating in 3 weeks thank goodness.