(And I can be completely wrong) That you may have some past resentment towards your husband about leaving you out, in times where you feel as though you definitly should have been included.
You ask is this important? No, I do not think so. But I do think it is important depending on a couple of factors... The age of the daughter, and how long you guys have been together? The reason I say this is if she is of age and it was so important, then you should have called (which is probably not the case, b/c you would have done that)
But if she is not of age and was with her BM, then she will never remember if he said 'we' or 'us' or 'me' or 'she' or 'I'. She will remember you being activly present in her life. Which will mean more to her, then you will ever know. Only she will not realize this until she is older.
You are a 'WE'-There is no question in that. Are you helping your husband reach out alittle more to his daughter? Are you concerned how her show went? Are you supportive of your family? Remember it is your family- You are a "we". You are a parent.

Wifi

My DH has done things like this--for example, he's only recently learned to get birthday/valentine cards that aren't just "from Daddy." Which I don't mind, I can get my own cards, but not when he's been tasked with getting the cards and I find out what they look like ten minutes before they have to be given . . . the bottom line is it hurts my feelings. Is it more about me than the child? You bet. For the reasons identified above, child's age, etc., this issue is more of a partnership/orientation issue for me and not so much a stepparenting issue. Does that make any difference in terms of how I feel about it? Not really. I think both are important in a marriage. Are we a team or not is *exactly* the sentiment.

Are most of these incidents small in the scheme things? Sure.
I *try* not to blow any one incident out of proportion, with varying degrees of success depending on how many other things are going on in life, but I do try to make my feelings known. I have success when I wait until the moment has passed and speak calmly after "remember the other day when . . well, I felt a little ____ and gosh, I know it was inadvertant on your part, can we work on it". And that works really well. If it is a bigger deal and/or I'm in a worse mood for some reason, I'll remind DH that there are different kind of stepparents and I tend to be the more involved kind, but let's look at a different model if he's not really into this one -- but I can't do both, I can't be involved to the degree I am and also be pushed to the outside BY HIM, it just hurts too much. (I've learned to steel myself against some degree of being on the outside, which I think just comes with the darned territory of being a stepmom--or at least I feel like it's my obligation to steel myself sometimes, that's what I signed up for--but I expect the hurt to come from others or from intrinsic situations, but not from him)

I don't know if that helps much, but that's my experience. The nice thing is that the issue has improved dramatically over time, I think in part because DH really does want me to be involved with the kids and in part because he really doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I guess in a way, it's the "trying" to do it right that makes us a team, even if we don't always succeed.

Make the call yourself.. Then you can use we.. He probably did not even realize he was doing it.. SO don't sweat the small stuff. Honey.. It will all work out ok.
I agree with someone up there pick and choose your battles..
Sometimes that is pretty hard at the very moment things are happening..
Hang in there bonus wife..
See if you make the call without telling him too everything will be good and it will let his your Sd know that you are thinking of her as well..

He's a keeper. I bet that felt really good.

married to my hubby? It sounds like we have the same life. Sometimes it does get better (although there are still slip-ups time to time). My DH gets defensive if too many things come up in too short a period of time, he feels overwhelmed, even if he knows he just did the exact thing he apologized for! He also has a habit of protesting when confronted, because he's defensive, and then later cooling down and saying "ya know, you were right" (that's why now when I can I do the whole "wait 'til the strong emotions have subsdided" tack) My DH is *terrible* at applying principles to the very next factual situation--for a really smart and capable and mostly sensitive (in a strongly manly way LOL) guy, I've been amazed. Although I feel hurt personally ("don't you care enough about me/us to *try*") it happened so many times under such ridiculous circumstances, I've had to (try hard to) give in and chalk it up as a guy thing. I've concluded they experience life and think differently than we do. At least he does. Yes, he does want to la la la la. DH has said that exactly!

I totally hear on you on the address thing. Been there and done that! Ugh. It took FOUR years to stop getting mail with his name and his old address where they lived together, or both of their names there or--what I love--HER name on OUR new address. Eeeeeveeen better, mail addressed to Mr. DH and Mrs. BM DH Last Name at OUR new address. *that's* fun.

With a good guy, it will get better slowly over time, and if he's anything like my DH he'll mess up *lots* of time. VENT, patience, calm discussion, VENT. VENT VENT VENT. I've been thinking of taking up tai chi or kickboxing, can't decide which would be more frustration-reducing.

While the insight is much appreciated, I'm afraid you've touched a special nerve in me, at least--I can't speak for the poster or other gals. But just because a BM doesn't mean for something to hurt a SM doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It does hurt. It always hurts. Intentional hurt or no really makes little difference when that zing of pain races through the body. In fact, if it's intentional, it's a bit easier to deal with because then one can be on the side of righteousness, and be the bigger person, whereas otherwise you just have to deal with the plain old hurt.

Look, I'm going to be honest, I have always acknowledged that my skids BM is also struggling--I know she has and is. I have even, in an occasional burst of empathy and spirituality or whatever you want to call it, felt sorry for her and her situation. But that knowledge has never helped ease my hurt. There is saint and then there is me, and I ain't no saint. I'm just a girl who had dreams of marrying my one and only true love and having his whole heart, and in real life has to daily face proof that his heart has pieces that have other people's stamps on them. This hurts even if the stamp doesn't have the word "romantic" or even "love" on it.

That said, I keep going to stuff like this even though I open myself to such hurts because I know it is good for the skids to have the whole family there. I suck it up and go. It's what I signed up for. And I LOVE THEM. With all my heart. So I SMILE and PLAY NICE. And then come here to vent because the support helps ease the hurt. And that keeps me going to these things. Which helps the skids. So it's not only important that I go to these things -- it's important that I vent. Sure, if I could do away with the hurt, I wouldn't have to vent. But I'm afraid I'm just not saintly enough to not feel unhappy about being second and having to share. For my part, I did not grow up dreaming that when someone yelled out "family picture", my true love would be standing beside another woman. My pain is not eased one bit by knowing that BM's dream of "family picture" didn't have me in it either. Maybe I'm just not that advanced of a spirit.

I hope this doesn't come across as b*tchy or mean-spirited, I just have felt this emotion so strongly before, and your post triggered it, and I needed to vent out my perspective before it blew up inside me. Phew! I feel better. I really do appreciate the biomom insight.

apparently that did come across the wrong way. I was really only trying to be honest about the feelings that I have, based on my experiences, and I know that's all you were doing too. I didn't mean to imply you shouldn't have posted in the first place. I just wanted to respond to the ideas you put out there and show there is another "another side," based on my own selfish need to vent my frustrations based on my own emotions and experiences, and because I thought maybe it would also be helpful for BM's to know that the emotions that at least one SM feels isn't always grounded in BM's intentions toward her, but on different factors altogether. It wasn't intended to be personal to you and I'm sorry it came across that way. I respect your perspective. Please accept my apologies to have caused any anger. It absolutely wasn't intentional.

Janice...I have to ask how do you let go of the grudges so they don't hurt you or your loved ones?
Bonus wife...What was it that made you decide to stick it out through the rough first year?
I only ask these questions because I am looking for guidance.
My husband and I have been together for well over that rough first year and we have not progressed on these issues. In fact I believe to some extent no matter how hard I have tried to be patient and forgiving, things have gotten worse. We are both afraid at this point to even talk to eachother any more and I am ready to quite and go through a second divorce over it. I know that another divorce would hurt both of our kids but I don't know if it would hurt more to divorce or to keep going like this. I know me and him love eachother but I don't feel it anymore over the hurt and mistrust.

Trinity

my dh asked if he could get his son more often b/c "we" wanted to see about putting him in t-ball. BM flipped out, glared at my dh, and then began to withhold ss more, and then decided to move to another city all together.

It was her mother who said to my dh "you need to word it differently...don't say *we*...say *I*." For years, we had to watch how we worded things b/c BM was not emotionally stable to accept the fact that my dh was moving on with his life, w/o her, and every time dh rocked the boat showing that he was moving in with me, planning on getting married to me, planning on having a baby with me...well, she had a really hard time adjusting to that. It wasn't until she met someone that she genuinely fell in love with that made her change how she treats my dh.

And when she is single again, then she returns to the old bm. So we are always hoping that she remains in some type of relationship, just so we don't have to deal with her bs (I know it sounds selfish, but I guess I will be to have some sanity). You're right though, when the ex moves on and finds someone she should be with, she will react totally different, she might even be supportive towards you guys...ours became even friendly....I know it's weird!

I had an issue with my husband's ex sending him an e-mail that had something to do with their high school days - an old "reminiscing" type thing. Nothing to do with their children AT ALL. Luckily, my husband only accesses our home computer and we share the e-mail address, so I got the e-mail. By the way, his ex hates me and flat out told me "I do not like you...granted I don't really know you, but I've never heard anyone say anything nice about you". So from then on, I've had nothing to do with her - she is written off in my book until she decides to apologize. So when my husband saw the e-mail and I expressed how I felt about it, he sent her an e-mail back and asked her not to send anymore e-mails to our house that do not have anything to do with the girls and that the only communication that needs to occur between them is in regards to the girls - Period. Big Thank You to my wonderful hubby for that! Of course she flipped out when she got the e-mail and had her new husband call my husband to discuss it (can we say WHIMP!) My husband let him know that she could not treat his wife (me) like crap and expect to be all chummy with him.

So I asked around on this board what people thought and was I being wrong for feeling like I did about a supposedly "harmless" e-mail, and someone (can't remember who) stated that when two people decided to divorce, that means they are moving on and cutting all ties to that person EXCEPT in regards to the CHILDREN and ONLY the children. Therefore, the only discussions or communication that should happen should be about the children.

Now in the case of being extra lucky and having a nice ex wife (the chances of that are like the chances of winning the Powerball) that respected me and appreciated my place in their children's lives, I would not have an issue at all with my husband dealing with her - but still, there is a limit and when it starts getting personal and has nothing to do with the children, the line should be drawn. And it makes it so much harder to swallow when you know how badly the ex hates you and you feel like she only does the things that she does to get under your skin.