First Post - Sorry so long... But if nothing else it feels good to get it out!

Background: I have been married to DH for 2 years, have been together for 3 and a half. I have DD21 and DD18. DH has my SS19, SD18 and SD10 who live 1000’s miles away, who he has a poor if any relationship with, due in part to a nasty divorce, the BM bad-mouthing him, and the distance.

BM took DH back to court a year and a half ago and denied visitation until it was settled, which ended up taking over a year (we knew this was not legal but at the time things were ugly and we also didn’t know it was going to be drug out so long). So SD10 came for a month this summer, first time in over a year and a half and the first time without her older siblings.

SD10 used to like me but something happened between the previous visitation and this visitation, whether it was because we got married, because of the long time in between visits, or because of the bad-mouthing of the BM…it was the longest 30 days of my life! She was very distant and guarded with both myself and DH.

Issue #1: The day she came, DH and I got in a horrendous fight (not about SD10 but in regard to her) and then once she was here we didn’t really get a chance to talk about it openly for quite a while. Because of this I think I felt left out and maybe jealous and insecure….I think I felt like he was choosing her over me even though he really wasn’t. I just am not used to sharing him.

Issue #2: I was left with the “burden” of making sure that someone was with her (myself taking time off work, my DD18 or friends), transporting her to lessons, classes and things that would keep her busy/entertained and hopefully make her happy. It would have been no burden except for the fact that it felt thankless and I felt taken for granted by both DH and SD10.

The child has so many personalities its crazy. She behaved one way when it was just her and I, another way when DH came home, and completely different (and normal) when on a play date. She would talk to me when were alone, but as soon as DH came home, it was if I did not exist…completely ignored me. She won’t eat anything I cook, she sits where she knows DH and I like to sit together (I know, probably petty for that to bother me), she is defiant in a sneaky way (not out-right disrespectful), will not wear underwear, brush her teeth, comb her hair. She sleeps with BM and the BM has her brainwashed to believe she needs melatonin in order to go to sleep (we substituted the melatonin for a vitamin and she had no problem sleeping). She calls BM every hour or tried to (most days there were 20-30 calls)… she would sneak off and do it, the only way I knew how much it was, was because I looked online at the activity.

One day she was SOOOO nice to me, I thought it was weird but also very cool because I thought she was finally warming up to me…then after about 15 minutes she asked if I would take her school clothes shopping! So it was just an act, and just to get something out of me…REALLY pissed me off! But it also made me sad, because for that 15 minutes I felt like things were better and I got a taste of what it would be like if things were “good”. All three Skids only contact DH when they want something, yesterday SD10 asked for an iPhone.

Soooo, what do I do now ? I have feelings of dread thinking of her next visit. I feel uncomfortable in my own house (it truly is my own house, I had it before we married), I have feeling of resentment toward her, and I cannot relax when she is there…how do I cope without letting it affect our marriage (which it did BIG time this summer)???