Thank you both I haven't ever made a real decision on what my plans are other than when she becomes threatening, I am taking ALL the kids (along with SD, I have a bd who is 15, my ss who is 10 and together my husband and I have a 3 yo.) and splitting. DH is full aware and understands. Deep down he feels the same way, however, he has an emotional conflict in himself about all of this. He promised his first wife, when she was alive, that he would care for SD and they began adoption proceedings. After first wife died, I think that promise meant a lot more to him. He has told me that he has no idea why he keeps trying... he doesn't know if it is because he doesn't want to let his first wife down or what it was that made him hang on and go through the mental anguish that SD brings. After he told me this and knowing the inner conflict he was having, it did ease my resentment towards him. However, when she acts up I get riled again. I have to keep it all inside because I definately don't want to say something that I can't ever take back. People may forgive, but noone forgets and words leave the deepest impressions.

We are both hoping they conclude that she needs inpatient therapy. My DH is actually afraid SD will fool the psychologist into thinking she is an average kid. Another reason I don't stay too upset at him - he feels the same fears, etc. It makes it a little easier knowing he is having a hard time dealing with her. I still do wonder where I would be and how different my life would be if I had paid attention to the small things and broke up with him. Too late for that now. That is my inner conflict. I keep dreaming of the peace in my life before SD and I just deflate when I think of where I am today.

So, in the beginning the things SD would do would drive DH and I apart because she played two roles - dear, perfect, sweet daughter who only couldn't get up at night. She would do anything and everything he asked. She really would flip a switch and talk so insanely sweet in front of him. So when I would "b****" about his daughter (his term for my venting), he would get mad thinking I blamed his and thought mine were angels. It took me a long time to convince him that I was as being equal with all the kids. However, somethings SD did were just jaw-dropping and I couldn't discipline her alone. I would go nuts. So a long and argumentative road and finally we are on equal ground.

I have invested way way too much to leave him, but my mind drifts back to a time pre-SD so much. I hate that. I want to just live again. I have to get past that dreaming of my past stage and get on with the here and now. That is where I am stuck and that is where my resentment holds me hostage, if you will. At times, I pray and pray to God to help me love SD a little. She is a cute girl and I want nothing more than for her to be normal. WE all do... but the things she does and the fact that her antics are all I have ever known, I have no foundation to build a real bond to her. I feel like I go through the motions of helping because it is the right thing to do and not because I care anymore. I literally pray to be a better person at dealing with her, because who can't like a kid. I don't despise her, but I resent her... I don't hate her (I know she does what she does because she has something really wrong, makes it a bit easier to not hate), but I really really don't want to be around her. I feel terrible that I don't want to deal with her anymore. You can't say that out loud though because you then look like a monster. It's havoc on my emotional psyche and I am an emotional eater so this is very not good and I have to regroup. I definately want to get myself to a better place internally so that I don't end up on meds like my husband. Thus, my going on and on to anonymous group - it's like a support group without the awkwardness. I need this LOL.

Pardon my windy posts, but our support network is minimal.

I do work. I work only part-time because we have the 3 yo and I try to be with her as much. As for support groups, I would, but I live in an extremely rural area and to join a group would be mean a long haul to the nearest town/city. Further, because our town is small to join such a group would be hard because people talk too much around here. We have church and we have went to the minister for counseling and support. As well, my husband and I went to counseling together just so we could basically vent. Right now we are just at a crossroads where SD needs some serious intervention and until that meeting life is as it has been, but at the same time absolutely crazy. Unfortunately the psychologist's office is booked until the first of July. Thankfully, school is out and we don't have to worry about insane rumors.

Thanks for your post though!!! I have thought about that - a support group... if only it existed. If we were to even begin one, I am sure - no I am positive that nobody else would show. LOL. A small town is nothing like Northern Exposure.