The thing I came up with that helped was to get a little more realistic about what I expected from my step-sons... even after 4 years together I can't expect behavior from them that I would from a child I raised because I didn't raise them. Habits like respect, no swearing, picking up after yourself... things I ~thought~ any kid should know. In my head, and certainly in my tone of voice if not in actual words I would often convey my thought: "what in the hell is WRONG with you that you don't know that you should" or shouldn't do or not do whatever the issue of the moment was. I was frustrated so much of the time because I thought that you shouldn't have to go over and over such basic issues with kids in the 10-13 year old range – and I’m sure it was entirely clear to them that I was frustrated and disappointed with them. But I had to remember that this was really the first time (for the most part) that these kids were hearing about these rules and expected behaviors. And I really think this kind of issue in particular seems to be harder to deal with when you’re dealing with boys than girls so that could be a factor as well in the difference in you relationship with your step-daughter.

I think what you need to do for now is try to let a lot of the smaller things go that happen with the step-son. Your wish is to be a family with your wife and her kids and to help raise this boy to be a respectful, successful man but you can’t do that if he doesn’t listen to anything you say – and as long as so much of what you say is critical he will shut you out. Look for the good things he does – they may seem or be few and far between right now but you have to connect with him first and then you can start slipping the little reminders in. Things got pretty bad for us for awhile but it is much better since I set my expectations at a more realistic level.

Was this from Semi : But I had to remember that this was really the first time (for the most part) that these kids were hearing about these rules and expected behaviors.

Gee SS and I are almost at the stage of great repair and even I never thought of that...so true though, I implemented rules and respect he had never heard of.

Anyway back to Quicksilver...sorry

I know your situation well being the step mum to a 12 year old boy and the Bio mum of a 15 year old boy. Both sides I guess. I hate it when DH goes off at my son. I have respect for his son and have never screamed at him (once I did but at both boys) thats not my place, but this house is and everyone should be respected and the house rules should include your standards as well. My SS was allowed to swear when I met him at 8, my son is 15 and still not allowed to, so neither does SS now.

Set boundaries and stick to them, set rules punishments with your wife that you both agree on and both follow through, this will help him with behavioural problems too...kids need boundaries and they need consistency or they will get confused and act out. But you also have to implement some time for you and he to get to know one another better. Mowing the lawn together etc...baby steps...

You are here for a reason, you want to make things better or you wouldn't be here, give yourself some credit and start today, it's never too late Good luck and best wishes to you.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Good on you!! Keep us updated. It will undoubtedly be very hard for you to turn the other cheek when he is going off but at least you have heard it first hand from the Doc why he does it and what his thought pattern is, and that should help somewhat. I am glad he appreciated the time you spent with him, that should help you continue on your road to peace and happiness in your home. And I am sure your wife appreciates it more than you will ever know

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

My advice is to set the example. If you blow up & act childish, that is the example you are setting and that is what he will do. Also remember he already has a behavior problem to deal with, his ADHD, so its a lot harder for him than other kids. Try to step back from the situation when you feel yourself getting angry and take a minute to calm down & think about how you really want to handle it to get what you want. Exploding is actually setting you back even further each time, in the end neither of you are making any progress. I know its easier said than done, especially when its not your child. I would also really pay attention to his comment about you not loving him. He may only say it when he's angry, but that is probably how he actually feels. Try to be very loving & encouraging when he's being good, and be consistent & firm, but remain calm, when he's misbehaving. Good luck!

g

Are you also enjoying his company more? Sometimes when you only see the bad side of the person you think you have nothing in common, and then, find you have. My SS loved a game I loved and that started a platform for us to grow from. We found out we have more than one game in common and now talk about other things. Just to fill you in just 4 years ago my SS hated me!! He actually stopped coming to see his father because he didn't want to be in the room with me. I felt pretty much the same on a slightly more mature level But things only started to get better last year and now going very well, much in the same way you have started this. Good on you, I hope your wife is giving you losts of appreciation for what you are doing here

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

was talking about basically the same thing last night. He adopted my BS13, 6 years ago. My son like video games, computer games and things like that. My husband likes building things, outdoor things and they don't seem to have a lot in common. My son also has ADHD. I try to explain to my husband that yes, it is frustrating to have to explain simple things over and over again, but with his ADHD, he doesn't think and function the way a "normal" child would. Not that I use that as an excuse for my son to get away with things. My husband said last night that he just felt like giving up. I told him he doesn't get that choice. Would he give up on his biological children? He CHOSE to be my son's daddy. He said he just doesn't understand why my son won't just "remember" to do the things he is supposed to. I have my faults in this as well, I try not to be to hard on my son, but I believe that has lead to him thinking he can get away with things with me, that dad wouldn't let happen. So, I told my husband and my son, that my parenting style doesn't seem to be working out the best, so I am leaving it in my husband's hands and I will support what ever he feels needs to be done to make my child more responsible. That is the only problem really, my husband sees him as being lazy, we have a hard time getting him to do his chores, pick up after himself, feed and water his dog. Just things like that. He isn't disrespectful, but I'll admit he is lazy. I have told my husband to just find something our son likes to do, such as video games, and play with him for a bit. He also doesn't understand that with ADHD, a child's mentality isn't what you would expect, it is a bit younger and more immature. But, I think you made the right choice in just playing a game with your SS.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous~ It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body~

and congratulations on all of the effort you're making!

Let me say, I love your footnote...that is so true!!

But I am SM and BM and I don't know that I would put it all in your hubby's hands to make the rules and disapline. If he is on the brink of giving up, this is not an indication that he would make the right choices on your sons behalf.

I would be proactive with both of them. Ok your son has ADHD and you seem to understand this better than DH does. Your son has trouble remebering things. So sit down with DH and write a list of rules and chores for you son and then another list for the punishment that is attached to him not doing these things.

Get a Black Nikko (marker??) and 2 sheets of card board.

Write Rules

1. feed dog and check water
2. .......

and so on. On the other write Punishment

1. Forget to feed the dog 1 day without Video games.

Etc. Once this is complete. Tell him he has one thing to remember...to check the board everyday after school and make sure these things are done. Leave room for positive comments for when he does this on his own, they can be great self esteem boosters for him to read over later. Maybe the first thing you do when he gets home is say ok lets check the board...DH could get into this with him too.

I'm sorry I'm being long winded but I hate to see that your DH wants to give up and you are so right, if he was his bio, he couldn't give up and as he adopted this responsibilty...don't let him give up. Keep working on it. Good luck. Hugs

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

an 11-yr-old with ADHD and on Concerta. I have been in his life for 4 years and the single best advice I can give you that has worked for me is "consistency". My SS knows what kind of person I am, what I expect from him, how I will behave in certain situations and what rewards and consequences I will hand out.

I use the negative sandwich effect on him, I'll start out with a positive then deal with the negative and then finish on a positive so that even though he is in trouble he knows I love him and respect him and believe that he can do better, and all without raising my voice. And I've been though some whoppers - like taking a knife many times over to my countertops, knocking holes in walls, carving in solid wood cabinets, the list goes on.

A child with ADHD is very introspective and often adults have to probe the child to encourage the child to speak about what they are feeling. Perhaps your SS believes you love your SD more than him. My SS went through this initially but as others have suggested and as seems to be working for you - spending quality time doing fun stuff and building the relationship is fundamental to success.

I would also suggest talking to your wife further about this - not sure if you mentioned what she does to discipline the child if he doesn't listen to you. It's very important for a child, especially one with ADHD to see parents as a united front. My SS knows he can't play my DH and I off against one another. We set ground rules that were important to both of us and stuck to them. You need your wife to be fully on board in the initial stages because she is who your SS looks to for discipline - if she isn't backing you up you'll never get SS's respect.

As far as the swearing - perhaps you and your wife can agree to set up a potty mouth jar after explaining to the kids that you do not find that kind of language acceptable or appropriate in your house. I usually find when my SS has to fork over any of his money or belongings he sets himself straight pretty sharpish. He is obsessive about money and his things so I simply tap into that and remove those things when he misbehaves. It doesn't always work but the change in my SS's behaviour has been incredible and of course he still knows I love him and understands why he is being held accountable. Hope some of this rambling might help. Good luck.