I really need some help. I despise my stepsson
I really need some feedback. First my background... I am a 42 year old professional, educated, live in a large house in a gated community, in the top 1% of wage earners in the US (money is not the stressor in our realtionship) and grew up in a stable houehold. My wife, with whom I have a seven year old son, and I met 13 years ago and have been married for seven.
Here is my dilema. I truly despise my stepson. I have been with his mom since he was two, and things were not always this way. I treated him like a son and we had a good relationship until he was 11 years old. My how times have changed. I don't even want to be in my house when he is here. I know that sounds totally childish, but now that he is 17, almost 18, I see him being here as a total intrusion on MY and MY sons home. I do not talk to him, or for that matter, even aknowledge his presence. He started smoking pot when he was 14, and that was just the beginning. He has stolem my motorcycle on two occasions, and wrecked it, he hit my car with a baseball bat, has stolen liquor, and basically now comes and goes as he pleases. His mother is totally disengaged, basically no consequence to anything he does, including the latest of bringing his little girlfriends to my house, having sex with them, and leaving dirty condoms in his room. Obviously this has caused a number of very heated arguments in our home, that the seven year old has been present for. His mother knows about all of this, yet chooses to stay totally out of any of it, instead saying that she "is not going to do anything about it" becuase of "the way I treat him" I really don't know what to do. I grew up in an environment where you respected your parents, and did what you were told. This is the most difficult sitaution in my life. I cannot, and never will have a realtionship with this kid again. I actually HATE him being here, and I was not raised that way. Any thoughts / advice?
I'm very sorry that you're
I'm very sorry that you're going through this with your SS with whom you've invested so much time and care
But is it really your SS you despise or the way your DW raised him to act like a selfish, entitled, thankless and reckless brat? Your wife really needs to step up and give her BS discipline - are you custodial? If not, then his custodial guardian is failing him.
It sounds like you need to disengage. If he steals something of yours and ruins it, what stops you from calling the police to report a stolen vehicle? Isn't safer to risk a heated argument with your spouse than to sit back and watch this child be destructive with himself and endanger others? Apologies if I over-stepped a boundary by saying that - indeed it's easier said than done, though your DW is responsible for his action while he's under age, then he becomes fully responsible for his actions whe neither you nor your DW can bail him out.
I hope SS comes to his senses and grows up, and that it's not just lagging adolescence...
Good luck!
Thanks for the reply. I am
Thanks for the reply. I am not the custodial parent. The problem is, at this point, I feel like moving out of the house. In fact, I would, if it were not for our seven year old, but I just can't leave him. He is the most important thing in my life. This whole situation has become too much for me to balance with work and everything else I have going on. I don't think you overstepped your boundries, infact, the last time, I did call the police. But that was that. His mother ended up paying, for the second time, the repairs. I think now we are totally at the point where I resent her and she despises me, all because she wants to pretend this problem is going to go away. It wont go away. I just dont know what to do about it. I am a problem solver by nature, which tends to make this worse.
I do think she is afraid of
I do think she is afraid of him. I can't imagine that she doesn't care, so part of it must be fear. I have suggested that to her, but she denies.
We tried the counseling route
We tried the counseling route once. That turned into nothing but a bang and blame session. We never even discussed the root problem, instead it became a forum on what an "asshole" I was, how I was being totally unfair and how the way he acts is totally my fault. That seemed like a total waste of my time and money.
I see myself as having two options:
a. Disengage totally from my wife and risk divorce and the loss of my son on a regular basis.
b. "Suck it up" and pretend everything is rosey. I AM NOT willing to do this. I hate coming home to my own house, which I worked very hard to get, and cannot enjoy the time that I am here, and nobody is going to make my life that miserable.
At forty two I shouldn't feel like I am back in high school, but here I am. Pardon my language, but this sucks and I truly believe my wife would rather be divorced than address it.
Wow...I really feel for you.
Wow...I really feel for you. Is SS's bio-dad in the picture? From your post, it doesn't seem like you've done anything but be a parent to this kid.
I doubt that there is any one right answer here except one thing...if you and DW are not on the same parenting page, nothing will work. Have you tried disengaging from the kid totally? I know this would be torture, but perhaps if you weren't reacting to anything he did, DW would be forced to step up. It doesn't sound like you being engaged is making any difference in SS's behavior.
I'm sure you've done this, but maybe it's time to sit down with DW again, in a totally non-confrontational way, and try to get on the same page...at least in the same book! If you start by telling her you love her and really want to save your relationship, her defenses might not go up. You might also approach it telling her you want to help her son, in a positive way, because the road he is going down will not end well. I guess my point here is to approach it with a positive attitude when you are both calm...not in the heat of the moment when SS has done something.
I know these sound simplistic, but sometimes you really do attract more bees with honey! If nothing else works, at least he is almost 18. Jail would be a good place for him to live. Good luck. Keep us updated!
Yes, the biological dad is in
Yes, the biological dad is in the picture, but honestly, he is pretty useless. I'm not saying he condones his behavior, but he has basically cut this boy loose to do whatever he wants. I've really tried to approach this in a calm manner, but that seemed to get me somewhere for about 30 seconds. As I stated earlier.. I'm a problem solver, and this being a problem I cannot solve is drivng me crazy. I don't want to see him go to jail (heaven knows that would be my fault too), but, he needs some kind of structure somewhere.
So basically, you are the
So basically, you are the only one worried about parenting this kid, but you get flack for it. I do not envy you. It's nice for his bio-parents...they can sit back and let you do the work. Like I said before, you might have to disengage from him. Put your problem solving on the back burner. My hope would be that ONE of his parents would step up to the plate. I hope you can find some peace in this situation and in your home.
Wow. I really appreciate all
Wow. I really appreciate all of the responses. I think "CalgonTakeMeAway" hit the nail on the head... I just want peace in my home. I want to be able to come home at night and not start cringing wondering whether or not he will be there. I hate that feeling since, on the other hand, I can't wait to get home to see my son.
Your situation sounds really
Your situation sounds really tough. You said he is 17, almost 18. Close enough to leave, if he wants to act the way he does. My SD was 5 months shy of 18 when she got in a bad fight with her dad and she left, because he would not have her act that way in our home. Close enough. Now she visits, which can be a little challenging, but much easier.
I would give him the ultimatum, shape up or he's out. As far as your wife, I almost hate to say this, but if she has disengaged, then you make that call.
I have tried on a number of
I have tried on a number of occasions to have his mother send him to his dads to live. Problem is, his dad lives in a tiny cramped house with three children by his curent wife. We live in a large home, and he can pull the spoiled rich kid act with his friends, which he seems to enjoy. His stepmother can't deal with him either, so he keeps coming back to MY house because the living conditions are superior in his mind. As an aside, my wife BLAMES the stepmother for not liking him. I know for a fact he pulls the same crap over there that he pulls here.
If I tried to kick him out, my wife would immediately file papers with the family law master to get custody rights over MY son and attempt to file for divorce.
Sorry for the vent......
No need to apologize. I'd be
No need to apologize. I'd be venting too! Maybe you should be calling the lawyer first. She's using emotional blackmail on you if she's threatening to take away your son. You are his dad, and you are trying to protect him from the chaos (and God knows what else). Find out where you stand in regard to getting custody. If there's no danger in you losing your son, stand your ground with your wife. Let her know you will no longer tolerate SS, and she better step up and do something or get out. You're already acting as a single parent to a kid who isn't even yours. Ugh..good luck!
What a Shi**y predicament you
What a Shi**y predicament you are in. I am so so sorry that you are having to choose between letting this turd live in your house or losing you son, because your wife is so unfair!!!!! I wish I had some advice; I want to say that your wife is not worth your devotion, but your son is....Hopefully someone else on this site will come up with something to help you out. Maybe starting this post with that explicative will draw more attention to your thread.
Judging by what you said when
Judging by what you said when you related the episode of counselling, it sounds as though your relationship with your wife is not good - she is not parenting or setting appropriate boundaries for her out of control son and is not even acknowledging your pain with the situation. The problems with her son have driven you apart and she is siding with him, not you. Her hand is already hovering on the phone to call divorce lawyers if you step out of line, according to her definition.
You sound like a high achiever, a person who finds it hard to admit defeat - but this situation is defeating you - your wife's relationship with her son is unhealthy and enmeshed - do you really want to stand by and tolerate this for the next x years? She is not going to change. It sounds like the only thing keeping you there is your young son, who will suffer if you split up, but is probably already suffering from the stress of everyone in the situation. I don't think you can hold this together indefinitely, so it may be time to look at alternatives. You obviously love your son very much and if you do end up splitting up, would hopefully retain a loving relationship with him.
Kes... I believe you hit the
Kes... I believe you hit the proverbial nail on the head. You're right. I have a very hard time admiting defeat.. and although I still feel there is a small opportunity to work things out, I think the reality of the situation is that there is not. I don't really want to be away from my son, and I certainly don't want him to be subjected to this situation in any new living arrangements his mother and I may have; that fear makes me put up with this crap. I actually have an appointment this Friday with my divorce attorney to at least explore some options. She will NEVER give me full custody, so any option will not be pleasant. At this point, if she offered me full custody of my son, and took her delinquent with her, I think I would be happy. Unfortunately those are not the cards I will be dealt.