My step daughter is a nightmare.
I'm coming to a point where I think I'm more ready to say I don't rather than I do!
Im a mom of a 6.5 year old boy, my Fiance is the father of an 8 year old girl.
I'm starting to feel as though I've made so many mistakes, I don't even know where to begin. For starters, my son and I moved in with my fiance and his daughter. - This is what I perceive to be potential problem #1. We moved into their space... and this seems to have given the step daughter some weird belief that everything that enters the home is hers. This is her domain in her eyes.
Problem #2: The fiance does not see what a rude little brat his daughter is. He laughs it off and says "Oh I raised a thug" - and in my head I just think, "No, you've raised a spoiled brat with no boundaries". I've tried to approach the situation but he gets SO defensive about her, and at times he defends her horrible behavior.
When we moved in, neither my fiance nor the girl had much. It honestly, looked like a Bachelor Pad. My fiance wanted me to move my furniture in vs leaving it in storage, so thats what we did. Big mistake on my part.
I'm a bit anal about furniture. I don't think feet should be on tables, butts on furniture, and I don't like the sitting on the arm of the chair or couch. Perhaps I'm over bearing with that.. but my son knows better and obliges. The step daughter? Forget it. "Well I like sitting like this", so I kindly explain, "Well we dont sit on the arms of furniture we can ruin it" or "We dont put our feet on the coffee table, peoples drinks and food go there". To this I'm met with, "Well my Dad always lets me". - Fine.
When it comes to my sons toys - she has NO boundaries. She has taken them all over. His stuffed animals - I had to put my foot down with two of them and tell her, "These are HIS. Just like I don't make you share your special toys, he does not have to share these". To this I'm told, "Well it's not fair because he already had two animals to sleep with, and I have one. And I've always wanted one of these (pillow pal thing) so I'm using it." - Maybe I'm a bitch, but thats not my sons problem. Just because you want something, doesn't mean you can take it from someone else. Those animals are a bit of a comfort for my son at night, and so I didn't tell him he had to share.
His Legos - those are no longer his, but now those too are hers. She tells my son if and when he can play with them, how many of them he is allowed, and she tells him how he has to play. He no longer has the right to build freely without her acting like (I'm sorry for the language) a bitch. He wanted to play with them the other day and she took the bucket away and said, "These aren't yours anymore. Now they're ours and you have to share with me". No - they're still his, but yes - his mom makes him share. Same thing with his hotwheels. She took those over and she says which cars of his he can play with.
I tell my fiance that she needs boundaries and she has to let him play with his toys as he sees fit, and he yells at me, tells me I'm "over thinking" things, giving the kids too much credit, and that my son will have to learn how to stand up for himself. No, you're daughter needs to be put in her place.
The Wii - I brought my sons Wii and ALL of the games and accessories. There too - she dictates what he'll play, how he can play, and then she feels the need to put him down.
His movies, flat screen, and blu ray player - I told him he had to share this. She has since decided that its hers and the movies are no longer his, and he has no say. If he goes in to the playroom to watch a movie - she goes in right behind him, takes it out, and tells him she doesn't like that so they aren't watching it.
Aside from her taking over my sons things - she also takes over my bedroom.
I come in to get dressed after a shower, and she's in there laying in our bed, curled up to my fiance (which is fine) - but its when I ask her to leave so that I can get dressed and ready for work, and she tells me no, tells me to get dressed in the bathroom, and basically trys to kick me out of my own bedroom. - I've kicked her out of our room many times, and each time I'm met with huffing, puffing, and stomping.
We aren't allowed "alone time" because if we shut our bedroom door, she comes pounding on the door, demanding to be let in, and if the above doesnt work, she crys and says she gets scared if he shuts the door.
At night she comes into our bed, pulls my fiance off of me (he usually passes out with his arm around me), wraps his arm around her, then slowly pushes back on him until I'm on the floor and there is no room for me. I then have to wake my fiance, ask him to put her in her own bed where she belongs, and then its back to bed to get what little sleep we can, because she'll cry and throw a fit for the hour that follows.
In the living room - just the other night we were sitting down to watch tv and she wouldn't give my fiance the remote. He told her firmly to hand it over, to which she told him, "No. Go to your room and watch TV!"
Another occurrence - I have two cysts on my brain waiting to be operated on, so I have epilepsy secondary to a primary condition. I had a seizure in the shower and so my fiance ran in, got me out of the water, took me to our bedroom - but my clothes were still on the bathroom floor. She shouts out, "I can't use the bathroom. SHE left her underwear on the floor and they're disturbing me! Make her come pick them up NOW!"
All in all - I hate this kid, and that makes me feel horrible because I generally like kids. But this little girl is too much for me. I love my fiance, and I don't want to leave him but I'm at a point where I feel I have no choice.
Any time I bring up the subject of his daughter NOT being perfect, needing boundaries, etc - its a fight. I dont know how to approach it without causing a screaming match between us, so for now I'm sititng quietly, and debating on packing up and leaving one day because I really just can't deal with her.
At the end of the day, this is NOT the life I want for my son. He shouldn't be bullied or put down (she tells him he's dumb, sucks at dancing {he's in Irish Step}, he can't read, etc etc) and honestly - I'm afraid that if I stay, I am going to snap and just unleash on that little girl, and I don't want to scream at her or tell her that she's nothing more than a brat... but I'm tired of being kind and sweet about things, I'm tired of letting my son take her abuse... and really, I just don't know what else to do 
butts on pillows, not
butts on pillows, not furniture! lol sorry!!
this girl is a future nutcase
this girl is a future nutcase BM in the making.
I experienced pretty much
I experienced pretty much everything you are going through right now, and let me tell you, it did NOT get better.
SD was 5 when DH and I met and 8 when we married. I moved into his house, he had a bunch of old cheap mismatched furniture that previous wife didn't want. So brought all my nice stuff (a lot of antiques) in and SD sat all over and on it, with feet on EVERYTHING. I was mean for asking her to sit right.
My nieces were like my children and lived only a few blocks away and came over all the time. SD treated them the way your SD treats your son, and I fought it for years with little success. She liked to lord over them how much MORE she had than they did and how much she could get her dad to spend on her IN FRONT OF THEM.
Is it worth putting up with this for the next 10 years minimum and likely much longer? That is something you will have to decide.
No. No no no no no. Your
No. No no no no no. Your little boy needs you to protect him - she is TOTALLY bullying him, and in his home where he should feel safest. GET. OUT. NOW. (And seriously, that is almost never the advice I give.)
Keep dating this guy, but DO NOT live together until he gets Princess under control or she moves out. He's actually the problem - being amused that he's raising a "thug" would throw up HUGE red flags for me, I don't think I could marry (much less parent with) a man who thought it was fun to raise a bully.
^^^^^^^^^^so much this re:
^^^^^^^^^^so much this re: your son being bullied in his own home. I am so sad for him right now.
Is he going to think its cute
Is he going to think its cute and funny when she gets 6 or so years older and her thug behavior is her trying to bully, threaten and physically attack you and then him?
I hate to say it but yeah, leave. Your son doesn't deserve this and you deserve a man that respects you more than this.
It's unanimous. Leave for
It's unanimous. Leave for all the reasons above. He can't change.
Cut your losses now. Your
Cut your losses now. Your fiance will always excuse his daughters behavior and defend her. This is already causing a major division in your home, not to mention total resentment. Even tho the daughter is who you hate right now, you will soon begin to lose respect for your fiance too the more he allows her to behave in this way. If he is unwilling to acknowledge bad behavior and continually allows his princess to treat you like a doormat, then you will end up snapping at some point and it could get ugly. Sad that you have to consider leaving the man you're in love with but he doesnt put you first or consider your feelings at all. This child is allowed to rule the house and dictate and that is no way to live.
Your poor
Your poor son.............please get that poor boy away from that situation and yourself too!
Sorry to have to agree with
Sorry to have to agree with all of the above, but get out now before it's too late! Find accommodation for yourself and your little boy, and move yourselves and your furniture out ASAP! This girl will never change, and the more power her Daddy allows her the worse she will get! Once you're safely out of the house, (do it in secret if you have to) arrange to meet your fiancé and explain all your reasons for not being able to live with him and his daughter, do it as calmly as you can, and his reaction will tell you whether you have a future with him! But even if you stay together as a couple, please don't think about living with them again until your boy is older, and your fiancé and his daughter accept strict ground rules you have all discussed...if you can't do this for yourself, do it for your son!!.,
Please don't subject your
Please don't subject your little boy to any more of this. Kids get only one childhood. My oldest is 25, a boy (well, man now lol)- I'd give my right arm to have my little boy back. They grow up so fast- he doesn't need to spend one more minute in this environment.
Agree with posters above.
Agree with posters above. Leave this douchebag and his out of control daughter. You need to protect your Son - he relies on you.
She'll only get worse, because he'll allow her to.
You're fighting a losing battle - he needs to get a grip and he won't truly understand until he's left to deal with her on his own.
Your furniture, your kids
Your furniture, your kids toys, your rules. SD sucks it up or she does not use any of your things. End of problem.
SO needs to put his hand between his legs, grab a big ole handful of man sack and start parenting his hell spawned daughter or it will just get worse.
If SO can't grasp this then move out and move on.
Good luck.
Thank you, everyone (: To
Thank you, everyone (:
To answer: My sons Dad is somewhere in Rhode Island living on his moms couch and unemployment (unless that ran out)... at 33 years of age lol So we have the understanding of you leave my son and I alone, and I deny the states request to go after you for child support. He was never fully vested in my sons life and would call once every few months, make a few promises to come out and see him - then call last minute to say he wasn't coming. So in the end, I played the big bad wolf and basically said this isn't healthy for him, if you can't be consistent, dont exist.
I'm looking at apartments, definitely thinking of just moving out.
I figure tonight we'll have the "your daughter needs boundaries" talk and if he isn't receptive, well then its a ship my son off to my parents for the weekend and move while he's away so he doesn't have to hear anything that may come up as I do move all of our belongings out (which is about 95% of the apartment). The last time I said I was thinking of leaving he told me I couldn't take my furniture or the TVs with because what would he and his daughter have?
I'd much rather he have a fun weekend with Grandma and Grandpa then I can explain later that I didn't like the way he was being treated so I found us a new home. It's a safer route if we do leave. Two angry adults - no need to add kids to the mix.
So thats where we're at. Thank you everyone for the sound words and advice (:
I'll definitely grow to resent him just as much. I figure since we're engaged I will make one final attempt to resolve this and if it doesn't work - well. It'll hurt short term, but in the end... men come and go, but the short one is my star player and I want him to have a happy and fulfilled childhood... so. Boundaries or I leave (:
Hi. Please listen to me.
Hi. Please listen to me. Move out. Don't just go look for an apartment. Find one and move you, your son and your nice things into it before you get into my situation (I now have two children with my SO and really can't move away from the crappy stepkid situation or I'll have to deal with being separated from my two little ones part time). Please, go for now. You two can still be in a relationship from separate houses... but tell him WHY you're going and don't let him try to talk you out of it. My SO used to promise me that he would change the dynamic in our house... Give his kids some rules, responsibilities and manner lessons so we could all get on the same page. But has he? In all the years we've been fighting over it? No. He's more concerned with being the cool, laid-back dad. When they're with us, to avoid disasters I just mainly stay away. They're quite a bit older than my daughter (and I'm pregnant with our 2nd) and I don't want her to see the divide regarding how she is expected to act (respectful, saying please and thank you, sharing, etc) and how they are (no rules from fun daddy). Babe, you will start to lose respect for this man at some point if it keeps heading this way. There is no way around that, in my opinion. The man in your life can only blindly put you through so much pain, worry and frustration before resentment creeps in. If you value your relationship with him (he may be a good person with guilty dad syndrome), then please go get your own place. Save your sanity and your son's feelings during these formative years.
Good luck. I truly feel for you.
Your situation sounds almost
Your situation sounds almost the exact same as mine. We have a mutual child and we are pregnant with our second. And he has 3 monsters of children who he likes to please instead of parent! It is crazy....and while I wish I could leave I don't want to be without my kids and have them think dad's is all fun and games....since its like a vacation whenever he has his kids.
"At night she comes into our
"At night she comes into our bed, pulls my fiance off of me (he usually passes out with his arm around me), wraps his arm around her, then slowly pushes back on him until I'm on the floor and there is no room for me."
This sounds...wrong...basically she's pushing up against her sleeping father, while his arms are wrapped around him...men get boners at night...and he's okay with this?!
You are a tool for this man and his mini-wife daughter. You and your son are not even on the list of his priorities. I hope you can talk some sense into him, but if he scoffs at what you have to say or starts denying, or makes promises and then breaks them...LEAVE! Don't get yourself married and stuck.
In the end - I left. I had
In the end - I left.
I had him removed from our apartment, packed up all of his things, placed them in a mutual storage unit and informed him that he would have one month to find his own storage unit or risk losing everything in there. I told him while I was at work that I hit my emotional breaking point and I couldnt handle it anymore. He asked me what was going on, I told him his daughter, he asked why I'm always attacking her - and so I said get out. The lease is in my name, you are unemployed and can't afford all of the bills anyhow. The lease, the energy bill - my name. You either move out, or I pack all of my things and turn everything off.
He said he wouldn't leave, threatened me, then pleaded with me, then threatened me - and so I called the police, got an emergency restraining order, and he was ordered out with little ms precious.
My breaking Point: His lovely daughter grabbed my sons stuffed animal (a dog he calls, "Puppy" and has had since he was 2), threatened to kill it and refused to give it to my son if she wasnt allowed to sleep on the top bunk forever. They both come out as she tells me, "Robby decided to let me always be on the top bunk" - I asked my son what was up because that didnt sound like him - out came the truth.
My now ex yelled at my son for tattling, but when his precious brat lied and said "I never said that" - nothing. He claimed its because he didn't hear her say it and we couldn't prove it. Truthfully, we both know shes a brat. Is my son an angel? No. Does he lie? At times, yep. But this was not something he lied about. You could see the pain in his face.
It was to the point where if I stayed, that little girl would've had one hell of an ugly wrath to face.
I couldn't stand her voice, I couldn't stand looking at her - and I was just done.
I miss my ex terribly and it hurts... but omg the peace and lack of anxiety due to her, is quite nice to have.
My son is a different kid. He is bubbly again, he woke up the first night, knocked on my door and asked if he could come in, I said sure but go grab a snack - we stayed up and streamed netflix, he told me about school, how much better he feels now. And really - the amount of tension in our home has reduced significantly.
Even the ghost (yeah, my apartments haunted... we call him Hal) has started to surface again. I decided that its pretty bad when the hauntings cease because even the ghost doesnt want to deal with you lol
Hardest decision of my life, but at the same time, the best decision. I packed up all of his things neatly, took the time to bubble wrap and fold - box it up, took pictures of it all to show I did no harm, placed it in storage, gave him the key, said you have one month, I wont be disturbing this, everything is in there. Even paid for a climate controlled storage unit because I didnt want to be blamed for mold or any other damage - so now. Its heal, move forward, and enjoy life with my son.
Wouldve updated sooner - but we live by one of the renaissance faires, so we had a medievel weekend to regroup and rebond (:
Congratulations on taking
Congratulations on taking your life back. Give yourself time. Find the RIC you like being and work through the grieving and recovery cycle. When you are where you need to be the right guy will enter your life. One with every desirable trait of this last one plus several unique positives all his own.
Take care of yourself and enjoy refocusing on your relationship with your son. I am sure he will enjoy it and will also be ready when you are ready for a new and true life partner.
IMHO of course.
Omg for a moment I thought
Omg for a moment I thought you were describing my skids!!! What is it with these people? How many days is she with you?