Major help needed
First post here and kinda found the site by chance. Have a bit of an issue. And its hard to explain lol but here it goes. My ex ( the BM of my BD) has an older D from a previous relationship from years and years ago. Now When i got together with her the previous daughter Had no dad ( wasnt in the picture and still isnt). Once she gave birth to my BD we moved in together, Now at this time we figured ( I settled in reality ) that we were gonna stay together and let her older child call me Daddy.
Now about 2 years ago i left - I was tired of the the bs, lies and so on But we had been common law. And the situation with the older one calling me her father stayed in tact Now we never went to court to work out custody and or money ( we worked out an agreement that works for us) She gets money once a month and I see them both when i can - Meaning what work allows.
A about a year ago I found happiness in a wonderful woman I am still with and hope to be for a very long time, ( we do hope to get married one day and possibly have our own child. She has been very accepting of the situation and we do have fun times with the kids. But a few months ago got into an accident and I am very very very lucky to be able to walk out Laying in the Hospital my thoughts turned to my Gf and only my BD ( thinking in a state of shock what would happen to her if i Hadn't been so lucky) But not once did i think of the Older child my BD half sister the one whom ive let her call me daddy for years.
This made me realize I needed to change this, And here is the issue. How can I get her to stop calling me Daddy as I am not her BF, the situation on them both coming to see me will not change unless her or her mother says so as I am a positive role model for her, and money will stay the same and such but I am not Her BD and its something I need to do to help distinguish my old life of misery to my new happy life.
But Im at a loss to figure out how to bring it up to a very difficult woman ( her BM is socially awkward and does have a temper and mean streak ) and then to her to make sure she knows that I still Love her but not as a my D. She is a Sweet kid and has the cards stack against her regardless if she calls me daddy or not. But I do need to move on with my life
Hoping someone has gone
Hoping someone has gone through something like this and can offer words of wisdom
How old are the children? I
How old are the children? I don't see how keeping everything the same except for her calling you daddy would help you to move on. I think that you either need to cut off that relationshi with that girl completely or not at all. I don't think you should give her mixed message such as 'you can come with us but you can't call me daddy anymore'. It's a very selfless thing you did in trying to raise her as your own and still continuing to support her when some bdads don't even support their own kids. And it's nice to want to be a role model in her life but I think you need to decide if you really want her to be in your life at all. Of course not accepting both all of a sudden might make your ex mad so there are those consequences....whatever you decide don't prolong it anymore for this poor girl's sake.
The issue is i dont want to
The issue is i dont want to cut them off and MY own BD will continue to call me Dad but the one who is not mine is her half sister and would be nothing to any future children I have. I will not cut off my own if the older doesnt wish to see me after or if ex does that then thats her choice. Mine is very resilent and very much her own person but is the younger one the other one is very much a mommy clone
She knows im not her father.
She knows im not her father. I just would like her to stop calling me it and for her mother to stop using it like ask ur father
Oh. I didn't know that the
Oh. I didn't know that the girl knew you weren't her father! How old are they? Maybe talk to the older one, depending on bow old she is. Gently remind her that you love/care for her and that you're always (?) going to be there for her but to remember that you are not her daddy. Of course talk to bm first! Tell her that you have become uncomfortable with allowing her daughter to continue calling you daddy and you'd like it to stop. Explain how you feel and just likeyou said here- that nothing else will change (monetary or otherwise) but that it makes you feel uncomfortable. My worry is that there's going to come a time where you have a kid with someone else and your gf or wife then may not want that other girl around. What about future family vacations- will she be invites or excluded? If you treat her like a daughter now then the longer you let it go on the harder it will be to cut that relationship. So I hope if you still keep letting her visit you that it's something you continue throughout her life. Idk though, I still think all or nothing. Wow. This is a tough one.
I completely agree with this
I completely agree with this Old Dart.
OP - if you are the only father this girl has ever known, taking that away from her would be BEYOND traumatic. Can you imagine the rejection that would make her feel?
let it go after all you
let it go after all you allowed it when things felt good in the relationship. She knows it also is just leaning on you. just be thankful she could be calling you something else. it could also lasting effects on her relationship with her 1/2 sister...be very careful dad
I understand that you feel
I understand that you feel differently about BD than you do about your ex's daughter, but I have to agree that this could crush her. How long has she been calling you Dad? You can still keep her at arm's length and let her call you Dad - who does that hurt? I think that the issue may mean only a little to you and possibly means THE WORLD to this girl. I understand that you want to move on with your life, but time will do that anyways....and who knows, maybe your ex will find someone else and the girl will want to call him Dad someday.
My DH has a similar situation
My DH has a similar situation to yours. When he married his ex, she had 2 children from 2 previous relationships. The oldest was 7 and then there was a 2 year old. The 2 year olds father didn't have anything to do with her, just up and left. My DH ended up adopting both of these kids. They then had a child together. All but the oldest refer to my DH as dad. Now, the oldest who is 16 is living with her biological father, however she still refers to my DH as dad, as that is what he was to her for many years.
Agree with the others - what
Agree with the others - what is the HARM in allowing her to continue? And your BD may see this as mean-spirited and take sides with her sister (especially as she/they get older). It's a title with no real downside to you, so I can't really understand why it is so meaningful for you. If you're thinking that it 'elevates' your BD to a higher status, then I think you're mistaken - they KNOW the status difference but this would seem like 'rubbing it in' - for a kid, it's cruel. We're not talking about adults who've been demoted or promoted. These are kids no matter their age/maturity.
You can still think of your BD differently from her sister - and likely they know this anyway.